In the last chapter, you saw how Sebastian's mother scolds him playfully for his carelessness and not being serious about studies. However, she doesn't want to force him to study, keeping into consideration, his passion for games. Later in the evening, at 6 pm, Sebastian's dad arrives home from work and Sebastian informs his parents that he is going to the gym. It wasn't mentioned but it's understood that he went upstairs to change his dress.
Sebastian's mom brought some orange juice and served it to her husband i.e., Sebastian's dad. In the meantime, Sebastian got dressed in the grey t-shirt and black track pants and left the home.
His dad smiled and asked Yutaki, his wife, "Yutaki, don't you think Sebastian's love for games is quite unnatural?"
Yutaki looked at her husband. "Yes, Hitoshi! He's got a fever of games." She turned her gaze towards the red velvetty carpet. Her smile faded as she continued, "I feel so worried about his future."
"Lah! Don't worry!" Hitoshi sipped the juice from the straw. The ice cubes were melting slowly. The ice cubes and the cold orange juice along with the cool air breeze from the AC re-energized him and washed away his fatigue.
Hitoshi continued, "We already have the farm, you know, and we get sufficient revenue from our tenant farmer."
"Yes. You have already earned so much. It's all his. We really have nothing to worry."
"Exactly. And remind me about that house there-- in... What address did I tell you yesterday?"
"In Laplacea---"
"Ohh yess! Laplacea. The owner is going to sell it us to us in Rs 45 lacs. See, darling? Another property for our Sebastian." Hitoshi burst into laughter.
Yutaki laughed with Hitoshi, "Yes, honey."
There, Sebastian reached the gym, 'The Muscles.' Outside, was waiting Fulisto, his best friend.
"Heheyy, Subba!" Called out Fulisto.
"Comma!!" Sebastian hugged Fulisto and continued, "Have you been waiting for long---ah?"
"Not long! Just 5 seconds before you arrived." Fulisto answered.
"Okay! Let's go?" Sebastian didn't want to waste time.
"Yeah!"
Sebastian nick-named Fulisto, as Comma. From the first day of their meeting at the coffee house near their college, Sebastian always felt his name sounding like a "fullstop". So he nicknamed him as Comma because fullstop sounds almost the same length as his real name, Fulisto. Nick-names have a characteristic feature of being short and sweet.
Both of them went towards the section where different weights were kept systematically in increasing order.
Picking up a medium sized weight, Sebastian started to lift the weights. Fulisto started doing push-ups a little away from Sebastian.
Soft noise, "Aaaah. Aaaah!" was escaping Sebastian's lips as he was exercising with it.
A boy who looked almost the same age as Sebastian tried to show pointless superiority over him. He was wearing a half-sleeved T-shirt, that made his slightly muscular arms visible. He wasn't as fair as Sebastian, but was still way too fairer than Fulisto, who was chocolaty brown in skin colour. Fulisto being darker than the boy, still looked beautiful, with his hair always lining his forehead in thick little triangular layers. You know, the kind of jagged hair and the way the handsome boys look in anime...
"You are lifting way too lighter weight. I'm sure you can do much better." He uttered to Sebastian.
Sweat was dripping from Sebastian's forehead. He was focused on his workout and decided to ignore him at once. Moreover, the pain was quite intense and that was making him utter soft noises. It must be really heavy!
His eyes were clenching occasionally, causing the drop of sweat to trickle down the edge of his face. His lips half tilted down towards the right, as he was practicing.
Fulisto was looking at the boy with a frown. Sebastian was polite as far as no one made him angry.
The boy was standing right behind Sebastian and whispered in his ear, "No- lah! You're making lot of noises." He smiled behind Sebastian's back. It was his habit to act superior and keep bragging falsely about himself.
"Oh. Now this is gonna trigger Sebastian." Fulisto anticipated. He stood up and went near the boy. He touched the boy's arms tried to stop him, wishing to solve the matter silently, but the boy jerked his arm, removing Fulisto's brown palm.
"You don't come in between. I am talking to this noisy one here." The boy pointed Sebastian.
Sebastian was getting heated up and it was irritating him. The whispers and the interrupting comments seemed like a mosquito buzzing in his ears.
He kept the weight down and turned around, hands folded. "What did you say?" He didn't raise his voice, but the frown on his forehead and the fierceness with which the words escaped from his mouth showed that he was extremely angry.
"Hey, hey! Stop ...stop--- Calm down, Subba, calm down .." Fulisto gripped Sebastian's muscular arms, trying to stop him from creating a scene in the gym.
"Comma, I need to teach him a lesson." Saying this, Sebastian held the boy with his collar, and almost dragged him out of the gym.
"Oh. Damn. It's over." Fulisto picked up the weight that Sebastian kept down on the floor and kept it back in the rack, otherwise the gym instructor would have scolded them.
Fulisto ran behind Sebastian.
"Subba! Subba ...stop! Subba!!"
Everything futile. He was late. Sebastian and the boy, Krickly had already started the physical fight. Krickly was shorter than Sebastian.
Krickly jumped up, raising his hand over Sebastian, but Sebastian ducked down, resulting Krickly's move turn futile. Sebastian gripped Krickly's hand and twisted it, making him moan in pain. Krickly smashed Sebastian in the face, making him go blank as he whimpered in pain. Sebastian's grip loosened, leaving Krickly's hand. Sebastian screamed with anger and with a great force he beat Krickly's stomach with his closed fist, swiftly followed by kicking him on the back.
Krickly was drained out of energy, and Sebastian won.
"Never mess up with me," Sebastian was panting heavily.
Both of them were left with the tattoos in the form of scars as a mark of the fight.
Sebastian got a scar above his cheek, below the corner of his dark black eyes. But the scar didn't destroy his beauty. He was the same. A fair face, like a moon, dense brownish black hair, silky eyebrows---a face so beautiful that even the fairies would fall in love with him.
His face was however, covered with minor scratches that would disappear on washing with water. His grey T-shirt became dirty with the dust too.
On the other hand, Krickly who initiated the fight got a scar near his lips. His scar was bleeding lightly and he left towards his home.
"You'll never change, Subba." Fulisto said while they were walking to their respective homes.
"Why are you such a scaredy cat? It was nothing. I saw that you were almost going to faint on seeing that the fight had already started."
"I ...I am not scared---i am ...just worried."
They were slowly walking past the lonely lane. There was a deadly silence prevalent or usual in that lane. The houses there were lying desolated. Nobody knew where the people went. It was lying isolated since years ago. Moreover, there was no reason for anyone to really visit there.
"You're scared as well as worried. You are scared of the noises that occur during the fight--- the moans from both the opponents, my angry screams, the swisshhhing and the boom boom?"
"Aah. I can never lie to you. But I am worried too because it can land you in a serious matter some day."
"Serious matter?"
"Yes, man! Imagine a situation where you get triggered by something and start beating the person who triggered you, and he turns out to be a police?"
"Yes... That's true. Oh, but I have you with me! You'll not let the fight happen. This time you failed because I left the weight there itself."
"Umm...yeah, that's true. By the way, you're coming to college tomorrow?"
"Yeah! I have to submit my Maths assignment. You?"
"Well I don't have anything important in the college, but since you are coming, I'll come too. We'll chill in the coffee house together."
"Yeah. See you tomorrow!"
"See ya!"
Fulisto and Sebastian were of same year in the college, but were studying different courses. They met at the coffee house one day. What happened was, that the coffee house was full and just one table was empty, so they sat together and liked each other's company. Then while chatting, they came to know they study in the same batch, same college, but different courses.
End of chapter
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Heya! Sorry ive been busy with school. Im really happy to see your chapters appear in the literary spotlighf. You desrve it.
Onto the chapter.
Wow. Things took a turn. I expected sebastian to be this spoilt brat who always gets his way, and like, a short tempered person. To see him lose his anger so easily and bring out his rage like that was very interesting. I feel that would make a great storyline.
It's great to see the story develop so much in the second chapter. I was really drawn in during the whole fight scene. You have a really great sense of description, I especially like how you describe people. I almost felt like I could see krickly in front of me. Everything is visualized perfectly, and that's one thing that always makes me enjoy a storyline.
As I said, I'm really invested in this story. It's sort of relatable, which makes it enjoyable to read while also having some dark humor undertones. I love dark humor, which is why this chapter appealed to me especially.
I realized chapter 3 is out, I'll be checking that out soon. I'm really curious to see how this moves forward. Keep writing!
-Stor
Thank you SO much, Stor !! I am glad you are liking the story ...
Hey, Dear Eros!
I feel connected to this novel. It was a pleasant read to me. The characters are of full life. I love how you give every bit of details in an impressive manner.
I literally got this brisk feeling when I read these lines.
The explanation for why he gave one, was hilarious.
I love these natural things one tends to do with (and to) friends bein' brought into the story, it is a very clever act plus a very entertaining and interesting read. Makes one expect to read more of this and you, never let down.
Totally! And one of the characteristic features of a friend is to give one to us.
The description where you gave 'bout Fulisto's profile and the fight scene was as I was right there watching 'em.
And about this
Was realistic, our beloved ones just know what triggers us, our next move and the dependability[was sweet when he said, 'should not let this happen']. The lovely bond between Fulisto and Seb was well shown and I adored it.
So relatable, two things one does go to college: 1) Friends 2) Attendance.
Definitely, LOL! Like Fulisto...umm I go for 'Comma' said, has nothin' important goin' there. How ironical, isn't it?
And, at the end of this chapter, you gave how they have met, it was Truly amazing. This is what we call serendipity. This happens a lot in friendship, doesn't it?
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter, keep up your awesome writing:)
With love,
Sree
Thank you so much, Sree!
You're welcome^^
Hello,
Like before, you wouldn’t say “the” grey t-shirt because the t-shirt hasn’t been mentioned before, so you would say “a grey t-shirt”. You also don’t need to say “the home” you can simply say “and left home”.
Ooh yay, I had a feeling this story would have some kind of east-asian influence. Am I right?
You don’t have to explain how nicknames work to anyone ^_^
Even though I completely understand what you are trying to say here, I can see some people getting very offended by this, because the phrasing accidentally suggests that people with a darker complexion aren’t as beautiful as those with lighter skin. I know that’s not what you mean but in this day and age, there are people who look to get offended by everything and I wouldn’t want your story to fall prey to them.
If there is an instructor, why isn’t he stopping this fight from happening?
It’s strange that you have suddenly named him so far into this scene. You might as well have done this from the beginning.
It’s very unappealing to make your protagonist unrealistically beautiful. I mean, if they have to be beautiful then fine whatever, but don’t over egg it to the point where they are beautiful beyond realism.
I think you’re confused about what a scar is. This is when a deep cut heals and leaves behind scar tissue, which is then called a scar. At this point you would call it a cut, or something synonymous.
***
Overall comments:
Again I’m liking the characterisation, particularly the parents at the beginning. I like that the mother wants Sebastian to take care of himself and be more independent but then his father just brushes this off and says “err look how much money we have, let the kid do what he wants”. They both care for their child but in very different ways, so I can now see why Sebastian is so conflicted (how he wants to do what he wants but also not upset his mother) and how he came to be who he is. Great job on that, I really like this aspect.
The fight scene was interesting because it shows us Sebastian’s rage which you explained in the first chapter, and it showed us how his friend also reacted to a tough situation but in a different way. I’m just unsure what this scene has to do with the story, or what this story will even be about, really. Chapter one is about him playing video games and the second chapter is about a fight at the gym, these things don’t feel related. At the start of the book I’m looking to get immersed in the premise and the plot but it still feels like you haven’t kicked those things off yet, it’s more like you’re giving us glimpses into the world of the characters before the story even begins, which is good in some ways, but ultimately is a weak way to open a story – because it isn’t the story.
I did notice though that the part where they walked by the lonely lanes seems to have some mystery attached to it, and I'm wondering if this is what the story will be about. It seems to foreshadow some kind of sinister plot, so I hope that this subject relates to the story on a bigger level. This is what I meant in my previous review about raising a question the reader will want answered, you've now done this
Another topic I wanted to bring up was the perspective you are writing in, which feels like third person omniscient, which is when the narrator knows everything about any given character’s thoughts or feelings. I don’t really see this used often but you seem to do a good job using it to your advantage and giving us brief glimpses into the motivations of all characters, that makes your scenes come alive and seem interesting.
On to the next.
-Zoom
You guessed it absolutely right! That part ... Mystery one... Lonely lane? Yeah that's totally true. Actually my sole aim about this novel was to learn and practice developing the characters of the story... I'll surely edit it and enhance the beauty ...thanks a lot for the review!
Hello, Eros!
I just read the second chapter of your novel and to tell you the truth it surprised me. I first thought it was a story about some man-child gamer, but just like that it turned into something like Rocky.
Yet I do like the friendship between these two different characters — a low-tempared fighter and his calmer, more reasonable buddy. I would like to see how these two different people will get along as your novel progresses.
As promised, you gave an insight as to how both parents view their sons gaming obsession. The mother worries, but the father doesn't see a problem existing at all. It would be interesting to see the relationship between Sebastian and his parents.
Overall, the second chapter got me interested with your novel. Since I didn't find anything relatively bad with the chapter my only advice for you — carry on. Good luck with developing the story, Sebastian, his personality and his relationship with your mentioned and upcoming characters.
Sincerely, rkm
Thank you SO much Rkm! It was a lovely review!