That was a passion for games. He played it not just for passing the time or as a source of great entertainment, but he played because he loved it. He just couldn't leave that gaming controller from his hands.
He was completely drowned in fighting the enemies and saving the princess in her castle, when he heard footsteps of someone coming upstairs.
He knew it was his mother. Any other kid would have packed all the things up, hidden it and pretended as if he was studying. But that force that was keeping him playing was so strong that it didn't allow him to just keep it aside.
"Sebastian, when will you get serious about your studies?" His mom yelled at him, as she entered Sebastian's room.
"Mom---mom, I am sorry---" Sebastian didn't bother to look away from the screen.
His mother held his ear playfully and asked him to quit the game.
"Mom---mom I am just going to win!!"
"No is a no."
He was striving hard against the enemies trying to attack him with their sword, but his mom's arrival somehow distracted his focus and in the large fonts, appeared,
"GAME OVER."
"Oh Oooh!" Sebastian loosened the thumb that had been controlling the little joystick over the gaming controller. He was angry about the defeat, but controlled his anger because his mother was there in the room. His mother never scolded him seriously unless he got angry. She just couldn't bear children getting angry, throwing things here and there and howling in a high pitch. Moreover, Sebastian's anger was not something that could be controlled by anyone.
"Oh, Sebastian. When will you get serious? You are not a little kid of twelve. You know, you are twenty. You are matured enough to know your responsibilities..." His mother went on talking.
Sebastian shook his head and with a naughty smile he sweetly said, "I'm sorry, mom. I will go and study now. Prommmmisee!! I will study hard and get good grades."
He knew that his naughty grin acted like the most powerful magic in front of his mother. His smile was heart melting---a fair and oval face adorned with a slender grin, showing his pearl-like teeth. The fringe of hair covering his forehead had a direct impact on the beauty of his smile.
His mother didn't really want to force Sebastian to get good grades.
"Ok. Just do the homework and come downstairs, I'll make some snacks for you."
"Yes, my dear mumma!" Sebastian went towards the brown mahogany study table and sat on the matching chair.
He was never a topper of the school or college. He didn't have many friends either. That kind of a boy, who would usually remain silent but when triggered, turned angry relatively easily.
His mother watched him for a few seconds and left him alone in his room.
Sebastian completed his Maths assignment and rushed downstairs.
"You're INCORRIGIBLE!" His mother always said this when she heard him rushing over the staircase. One should slow down over the staircase, but youngsters these days...
"Okay, have the pudding I made for you." Sebastian's mother kept the plate on the table. She handed the cup of coffee to Sebastian and said, "Here. Your coffee."
Sebastian ate the pudding and had the coffee while he was telling his mom about the assignment and the teachers of his college, and she kept listening to his talks, patiently.
The door bell rang and his mother opened the door. It was 6pm and it was his dad, returning from the office. Sebastian hurriedly finished the snacks and informed his parents that he was going to the gym.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello Eros, I've seen you around a lot but never reviewed any of your writing ^_^
The first sentence doesn’t entirely draw me in because it doesn’t make a lot of sense. There isn’t a clear subject so I’m not sure if this even relates to a person. You could be talking about a billboard for all I know. I suggest to tweak that opener a bit. Same with the last sentence, the wording is a bit clumsy. It would work if you said “he just couldn’t leave the gaming controller” or “he couldn’t put the gaming controller down” but as it stands, the phrasing doesn’t work.
Be extra careful with word choice here. One word can set your tone or tear it apart. The word I’ve bolded (“drowned”) has negative connotations for obvious reasons. However, you have applied it to an activity that this character (assuming the protag) enjoys doing.
You tend to overuse the word “that” which isn’t a great word to use in your prose. The first “that” in this sentence doesn’t really make sense anyway, because you’re using it to determine the subject of your sentence in a way that implies it has already been mentioned previously. You could rework this sentence into something like:
“But a force kept him playing, so strong it didn’t allow him to stop”.
That’s just an example of how it’s possible to work around using “that”.
Aww his mother seems fun. I like that she non-violently held his ear haha.
The punctuation is a little confusing though, I don’t understand what the dashes signify?
***
Overall comments:
I like the characterisation in this piece. I liked that Sebastian has an extreme temper but controls it for his mother’s benefit, that’s a brilliant way to turn your character’s flaw into a redeeming quality. Like the other reviewers, I enjoyed the simplicity of this opening. You don’t need explosions and drama at every turn to write a first chapter, which you have proven. I also liked that his mother scolded him for playing his games but didn’t insult him or use violence etc. They are both quite respectful towards each other so I get the feeling that family values are important in this household.
I’m not entirely sure about the tone yet because this piece is so small. I saw you commented about opting for small chapters which I see your point to an extent, however I also agree with Rkm that it should be longer. Chapter one is the promise you’re making to the reader, you are promising what the story will be about, and you need to do this by dropping something important, such as the theme, tone, setting, premise etc. You’ve made a good start on characterisation and I think you should hold on to the simplicity of this piece, but integrating one of those items I mentioned would help this chapter become a better hook. Another thing you could do is raise some kind of question that the reader will want to know the answer to, but again that is missing. I’m not particularly intrigued to find out what will happen next because there is no mystery about what has already happened, if that makes sense.
I’m going to read on now, I don’t want to assume too much about this story just yet because again, it’s quite a small piece and I want to give you more of a chance.
-Zoom
Hey there, Zoom! Thank you so much for the review! Gotta learn new things from you .. thanks a lot again! And I will definitely edit it, consider your suggestions that I agree with, from my heart and ... Thanks again!
Hello, Eros!
I'm going to point out some aspects I liked and disliked about your introduction.
Well, first of all, the writing style was simple and easy, that anyone would understand it. Secondly, it's simplicity helped me to understand who are the characters of your new novel. They were presented as average people,"the gamer child and his mom, who wants him to study" cliche.
Somethings I did not like was the length. I believe the introduction could have been longer. With this in mind, I also believe since it's an introduction of the characters, you could have the fathers personality and his view torwords Sebastian's slacking off as well.
Despite all the drawbacks, I did your introduction captivating, especially Sebastian's low-temper. Will see what you got installed with that and the other characters.
Sincerely, rkm
P. S I'm a rookie here, so I'm not that great with reviews...yet.
Oh yes ... You get to know his Dad, his mom, their names ...their views, their worries, and everything they feel about Sebastian in the next chapter ...
Actually, my personal opinion is to keep the chapter length short so longer things tend to look like a huge chunk of information ...and as a reader I have experienced that... Like ...I don't want the readers to faint on seeing the lengthy chapter ...apart from that, Actually... I honestly, don't get any idea about how long is my chapter going because I write everything from the mobile...
Hey, but if you would like to follow up with this novel and would like me tagging you, I will notify you ...coz I really liked your review. You mentioned what you liked and why? And also what you don't like and why? In a simple manner.
Thanks for the review!!
It's been a while since I've read a novel. But I'm definitely glad I read this one. There's something in it's simplicity that just draws me in.
I reay like the title. I'm not sure as to what it directs. Maybe the youth and how they are caught up with the material things of this world and how to slowly steer away from them. Either way I can't wait to find out.
This chapter mostly just describes a normal day in the protagonist's life, but it's written so well that I felt there was more to it than just some ordinary day.
I really admire the punctuation use. Gives the story a certain effect. And the way you described his loss at the game as well as the stylized 'game over.'
I loved the details you used when the protagonist is acting innocently to win over his mother.
I also liked the ending. It's not really a cliffhanger, but it still leaves you wanting more, and to find out what exactly happens next.
Overall, this was a great chapter. The first chapter of a novel greatly determines how good the novel will be, and this was a really fantastic opener. I can't wait to read the rest of the story.
See ya round!
-Stor
Thank you SO much dear Stor! I am glad you liked it ... Actually this time I read
Writing Tutorials Article Index
This, before starting to write ...and I really worked hard, discarding two drafts of the beginning and finally I got this start. *Phew.
If you wanna continue reading, and would like to get tagged when I post the next chapter, I'll do it ...
Thank you so much again, for such a lovel review!
P S. If you think thay about the title, there's going to be a complete twist and a Big BANG surprise for you
I'd love to get tagged! And can't wait for the twist!
Yo! It's published
Hey, Eros!
I enjoyed this chapter.
This is so my mom! LOL. I loved this chapter. Personally, It was so relatable to me. I loved the childish talks sebastian. I love reading this kinda story. I find it amusing.
When did I get there XDD.
This chapter is written so well.
You have given evry little detail in elegancy. It was a smooth read.
I just adore your way of writing, it makes me connect with your story with all soul.
This one was hilarious. You just don't write from one's POV, you get into their head. That adds the beauty to your work.
This was an entertaining piece. Good start! I would love to read the following chapters. Keep you the writing dear Eros. See ya in next chapter
With love, Sree.
Thank you SO much, dear Sree!! It was such a lovely review!! Just ... Just made my evening!
You're most welcome! I'm very glad^^
Keep it up.
Reading it made my evening blissful. Thanks to you. Loooking forward for the next chapter. No pressure.