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Young Writers Society



Saving The Innocents || 3

by Eros


In the last chapter you saw how Sebastian's dad, Hitoshi tells Yutaki (Hitoshi's wife) that they shouldn't worry about Sebastian's future (because Hitoshi has earned enough money and properties). You also saw how Sebastian gets involved in a fight with Krickly and Fulisto watches it, helplessly. Then they returned home through the desolated lane, and are going to meet in college the next day.

Chapter 3: Master Survival

Sebastian dusted his T-shirt and pants before entering his home, as he didn't want his parents to think he was a bad boy, getting involved in fights and all. Since he had a few properties, though earned by his dad, he was considered as belonging from an upper class family. The fights didn't suite a boy from such a high class family. Even today, the fights are still seen by the society as "Savage" and "Untamed" characteristics.

"Mom, I'm back!"

"Yes. Go, take a bath and come back for the dinner." His mother was busy reading the health- magazine and didn't look at Sebastian. His dad was busy watching the television.

"Yes, mom." There was no enthusiasm in his tone. He always felt lack of enthusiasm after the fight. He went upstairs in his room and locked the door. "Haah," he sighed and sat on the bed, fingers of both hands locked into each other. He was quite restless. There was nothing unusual. He then, lied down over the bed, taking deep breaths. It was just his body's natural way to get relaxed after a fight. A few seconds later he took a bath and cleaned up his slightly bruised face. He looked at himself in the morror. The scar near his eye didn't fade. 

"Mom, Fulisto was careless and I got the scar. No ...bad idea. The scar is near the eye, why would Fulisto come so close to me!? Mom, I accidently bumped into the machine at the gym. No way, the scar is small and a machine too big.  Uhh... What to say .. what ex--" Sebastian was thinking hard.

"Sebastian! What's taking you so long to come back?" Yutaki asked him from downstairs.

"Oh, no!" He said to himself. 

"Yes, mumma! I'm coming!" He answered loudly.

Sebastian was pacing across his room, moving his fist in the air, trying to think of an excuse. Finally an idea striked him.

"Yeah! Not a bad idea." He whispered to himself and rushed downstairs. Again his mom yelled, "You're INCORRIGIBLE!"

Sebastian stuck his tongue out and narrowed his eye. Holding his ear with one hand, and dragging the chair at the dining table with the other, he said, "Sorry."

His mom shook her head, knowing he will never change. They were eating the delicious Sushi cooked by Yutaki and were talking and laughing. Kind of like a happy family.

"Hey, son! What's that little scar?" His dad asked him. 

Sebastian traced the scar with his finger and laughed lightly. "Ohh.. That! On the way to the gym, something got stuck in my eye. While removing it, my own nail striked there quite hard and I.. got this scar." He laughed again.

His dad nodded and asked him to be careful. They finished the dinner and Sebastian went back to his room, and Yutaki and Hitoshi went to their bedroom. 

Sebastian turned on the computer and started surfing on the internet, looking for new games. He came across Master Survival and the title looked unique and catchy so he started playing it. 

"Something's missing...Oh! My headphones." He spun around while sitting on the chair and went towards his messy bed. He searched for his headphones under the clothes and the college bag, and the Maths assignment, and the other blank papers that were left as extra after the completion of his assignment. Man! How messy the bed is!

His fingers gripped something. He pulled it out..."Oh. Sketch pens. Maths assignment---- Yeah something's here... Oops! Earphones..." and the search again began. "Holllaaaa! This must be it. There's a wire like feeling. Yes, yes! Come on come on! Voilaa! Charger!! Don't get it when my phone's battery is 20! Oh ...Oh! What is this now... another sketch pen. I'll not give up." And the search began... again. 

FINALLY! He saw the blue disc shaped thing, adorned with little lights and knew it was just what he was searching. He pulled the headphones out and wore them around his neck. He then went back to the computer desk, and sat on the spinny chair. He plugged the headphone wire into the CPU and pulled the headphones over his ears. "Okay! So," he uttered as he clicked on 'PLAY' button and enjoyed the first page:

 

LOADING ... PLEASE WAIT.

The hero of the game had to survive for a given amount of time from the bombings occuring from the fighter jet in the sky. The skill of how swift your moves are was going to be checked in the game. Sebastian started playing and lost the battle in the first bomb attack itself. 

YOU LOST.

He became angry and removed his headphones. He got up from the chair and went towards his bed. He groaned angrily and threw the clothes on the floor. He furiously went back towards the game and played again. 

The hero of the game was running ahead towards the mountain with a symbol of a clover leaf on it. Boooooom!!!! The bomb was dropped on his right hand side, but he dodged it, and Continued running. Blaaassssttt!! Another one towards his right. He again dodged it and was very close to the mountain. Booooom...came another one and blasted on his left and the lights were flashing on the screen. He dodged it again. But the golden flickering light was always like a lightning flash and nothing could be seen on the screen for a fraction of second, thereby making the game quite more difficult. And another one landed a little ahead of him, the light of the previous bomb made it all invisible and he ended up, getting burnt in the fire.

YOU LOST.

Sebastian was extremely angry and pulled the headphones off and threw it on the floor. Luckily, he had thrown the clothes before so they were scattered all over the room and the headphones landed on the T-shirt and his gym track pants, that were heaped on each other, acting like a cushion for the headphones. He got up and went into the balcony. He stood there, feeling the cool breeze, brushing across his cheeks, so softly. It was as if the air was kissing him on the cheeks. He lookedat the star studded night and the crescent moon. The night was so calm that it neutralized Sebastian's anger in a few moments. After some time he went back to the game. He was determined to win. 

Again the hero started running, dodging the fiery bombs from side to side. When a bomb appeared in front of the hero, blocking his way, he would change his direction. The space was large and he had the freedom to go anywhere he wished to. At last he found a mountain with the clover leaf symbol and reached there. It acted as a safe place, but only for some time, variable according to the game. He stayed there till the white clover leaf turned red. He started running again and the countdown was just going to end; 5...4...3... Ohh!! Yes, yes, yes!! 2...1! 

YOU WON.

Sebastian took a sigh of relief. He looked at the clock, it was 1:03 am. He forgot to look at the time while he was playing. It was late and he had to get up in the morning for he had his college at 8 am. 


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1162 Reviews


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Fri Sep 21, 2018 1:38 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello!! Here to bring this out of the green room for you! :D

So I like to focus on bigger picture things I notice in chapters rather than nitpick about grammar or sentence level stuff. I obviously don't have the context of the previous chapters here to work from, so I'm thinking about this as a part of a greater whole.

Like Zoom, I'm wondering if this chapter is really needed in the grander scheme of the plot. If you think about the main plot line as a whole, if you took this chapter out, would the plot still make sense? If the answer is yes, then you have a problem because each chapter should be driving the plot forward in some way.

I think there could be a relatively easy remedy for this. It sounds like Sebastian not fighting is really important to his parents. He obviously gets into a fight and is trying to figure out how he's going to hide the evidence. His lie wasn't that great and then his parents didn't question him at all about it! I think that could be a good moment to dig deeper and show an interaction with his parents and maybe show the greater impact of his fighting. Maybe the parents could share their fears related to him fighting or he could share his struggles with refraining from fighting. Maybe the parents give him some kind of ultimatum (leading to increase stakes in the plot!) related to not fighting. I don't know what the main arc is here but I think this could be a good opportunity to dig deeper into the main plot arc.

The bit at the end about the video game playing doesn't feel super necessary to me. I'm not sure what it adds to the overall plot because not much happens and we don't learn any new crucial information about Sebastian.

Overall, streamline and make it clear how the plot moves forward and I think you'll have a much stronger chapter! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! I hope you keep working on this story :D




Eros says...


Thank you so much, Carlito for reading the chapter and giving the tips that are really helpful... I'll edit this and keep it in mind when I write next chapters...



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Tue Sep 11, 2018 12:20 pm
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Zoom wrote a review...



Hey,

Sebastian dusted his T-shirt and pants before entering his home, as he didn't want his parents to think he was a bad boy, getting involved in fights and all. Since he had a few properties, though earned by his dad, he was considered as belonging from an upper class family. The fights didn't suite a boy from such a high class family. Even today, the fights are still seen by the society as "Savage" and "Untamed" characteristics.


I don’t think you need any of this in bold. I automatically understood why he is dusting his clothes, and I know he is upper class because of the conversation in chapter 2. You tend to provide random paragraphs of exposition like this, which get in the way of your scenes.

"Yes. Go, take a bath and come back for the dinner." His mother was busy reading the health- magazine and didn't look at Sebastian. His dad was busy watching the television.


Here are more examples of when you are using the word “the” needlessly.

I found you an article which will go into detail about this issue:

https://www.trussel.com/the.htm

His fingers gripped something. He pulled it out..."Oh. Sketch pens. Maths assignment---- Yeah something's here... Oops! Earphones..." and the search again began. "Holllaaaa! This must be it. There's a wire like feeling. Yes, yes! Come on come on! Voilaa! Charger!! Don't get it when my phone's battery is 20! Oh ...Oh! What is this now... another sketch pen. I'll not give up." And the search began... again.

FINALLY! He saw the blue disc shaped thing, adorned with little lights and knew it was just what he was searching. He pulled the headphones out and wore them around his neck. He then went back to the computer desk, and sat on the spinny chair. He plugged the headphone wire into the CPU and pulled the headphones over his ears. "Okay! So," he uttered as he clicked on 'PLAY' button and enjoyed the first page:


This is a lot of words just to show us your character looking for an item. It doesn’t help move the story forward so do you really need this?

***
Overall comments:

Building on my last comment, I feel like this chapter is unnecessary? It hasn’t built on Sebastian’s characterisation because we already know he has rage issues and loves to play video games. It hasn’t introduced a plot or premise, it hasn’t added to the tone of the story or developed the world and setting. The part when he lied to his parents was interesting, but after that I had to skip a lot of the scene. It isn’t very engaging to read about someone simply playing a video game in such extreme detail.

You’ve given your character a flaw that is pretty basic and not very interesting (anger issues). I say this flaw isn’t interesting because there’s a lack of storyline for it to relate to. I’m waiting for an actual plot to kick off so that I can see how this character will struggle with the conflict of the story. As a reader, I shouldn’t be ready to start chapter four, still wondering what the story will be about.

At this point I’m struggling to provide areas of development beyond the ones I already mentioned in previous chapters. I like the characters and the dymanic of Sebastian’s family, however until that unfolds into a story, there isn’t a great deal for me to comment on. If you do tags then I don’t mind checking out what you post next, especially if you address these concerns.

-Zoom




Eros says...


Actually Sebastian is going to remember this game in future, when the lonely lane and his anger and the games get weaved together forming an unexpected way of "Saving The Innocents".




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro