The next day in the first period at college, Pachemon was not seen. Loyyi, Kayyappa and others were searching desperately for him because they were getting so impatient to know the answer from Pachemon...the answer to the question, "Will you join us or not?".
"I am getting angry! I hope to see that Pache-d dog before I loose my temper." said Mojiyu.
"Well, may be he would come after the recess, boss.", Perret tried to relieve the impatience of Mojiyu, their leader...their boss.
They waited the whole day at school with a ray of hope that Pache would arrive with his answer, but Pachemon did not come.
In the evening, Cinachida and Loyyi went to Pache's home to know why he didn't attend the college that day. Pache opened the door, and as soon as he saw them, he took them immediately out of the house, in the nearby park, saying, "Let's talk outside in the fresh air...!"
Cinachida and Loyyi got happy from inside, thinking that Pache wanted to confess his readiness to join them.
"See, Cinachida and Loyyi...this is really a serious matter, and I want some time. I am an emotionally weak person...and for a guy like me, who is as simple and as weak as a meek sheep...it is really a tough job to get used to the behavior like yours. I will need a lot of practice of whistling---to start with. Whistling... you know you use for that e--eve---" his voice broke off.
"Teasing..." Loyyi completed.
"You see--- I am not confident. Give me at least a week and I think I will gain enough of confidence by then. I have started practicing in front of mirror...but--but it's not working. I'm not...I'm just not con--"
"Okay, okay! Stop your speech here. We will ask boss and let you know via sms." said Cinachida.
"Dare not keep your phone switched off." Loyyi stressed out the words before spitting the tobacco.
"N--no, no! I-w... I won't do that." Pache wretched his nose.
"Won't do? What! You said you wanted time for practice!" exclaimed Loyyi.
"Oh! Don't misunderstand! I said I won't switch off my phone."
"Okay then."
"Now let me go back home...it's quite late. Bye, Cinachida! Bye Loyyi!" saying this, Pachemon walked back to his home.
His mother opened the door and served Pache the hot freshly cooked rice cakes. He had his dinner and went upstairs in his room. He saw "1 new message" in his mobile.
He opened it and expected it to be of Loyyi or Cinachida, but the expectations got shattered when he opened it and found that it was a useless message from one of the ring tone seller companies.
He heard another beep of his mobile and saw "2 new message" on the screen.
He read the first message:
Boss is ready to wait for a week.
~ Cinna
The second message said:
All the best for the practice!
~Cinna
Pache replied:
You will stay stupid forever, Hah!
~Pache
Within no time, Pache received a reply:
Called me stupid! Called ME stupid! Called me STUPID!!
~Cinna
Pache typed:
Haha! You sent me two messages for just two sentences, when you could club them up in a single message. That's why I called you stupid. Took it seriously, hah?
~Pache
Message flashed on Pache's screen:
Nah
~Cinna
Cinna expected a reply, but he didn't get one. Finally, tired, he dozed off to sleep. Pache had slipped in bed long before Cinna slipped his bed in his house.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello, Eros! This story has been sitting in the Green Room for far too long, so I thought I'd provide a review of my own!
...Actually, this turned out to be a decent story. To be honest, when I read the title, I assumed that I was going to get some heavy-handed moral message about not smoking/drinking/etc. And frankly, when such a common message like that is heaved upon the reader, such as myself, I tend to groan, because it really is incredibly common, and dull as a result. However, this turned out to be an interesting, and fairly complex story, although Pache never conclusively answered yes or no to the key question at hand, beyond casually implying that he would join the gang and try out harassing people. Frankly, the kid seems like a poor and nervous soul who isn't in a fortunate situation, given that this seems to be the only group of people who actually gives him some form of respect, even if they are aggressive and tough about it. At least, Pache was willing to make a joke and Cinna replied in a teasing fashion (although I agree with BlueAfrica, that really seems out-of-character for Pache). Regardless, you have some nice and clear character development here, at least among people like Pache and Cinna, who had plenty of dialogue and enough interactions to me to gauge their basic personalities.
However, I'm not entirely sure what to make of the plot of the story. It seems refined and consistent, but why in the world would a college student be allowed to skip a day's worth of classes? The gang also acts immature and foolish for a group of college students, although that was probably the point. On that note, it's kind of a strange that such a group, portrayed in what is clearly meant to be a negative light, is desperate to have a shy kid like Pache join them. I mean, they were willing to wait all day and were eager to have him respond, and never come across as overtly negative, though they can get angry with ease. Why didn't they find him sooner and threaten him, or something? I'm probably missing a lot of context here, which might stem from the fact that I haven't read the previous chapters, but I can't tell if this was intentional or not. If it isn't, that's something you definitely need to work on. If it is, now I'm a little curious to see what they have in mind for Pache, and what he'll do in response.
Beyond that, your English is readable, but by no means perfect. You tend to overuse your ellipses (...) a lot. These are greater at fashioning dramatic pauses, yet also lose their effects significantly if you overuse them, as is the case here. It also interrupts my train of thought and makes the work seem choppy. Too, your English was also awkward and jumpy at times. While it would be tedious to list individual errors, I would at least suggest running this through a spellchecker or word processing software, like Microsoft Word. Is English your first language? If not, you might want to consult with somebody who does speak fluent English and is willing to help out (which a lot of people on here can).
Nevertheless, well done! I admire your grasp of character development and a consistent plot, and this was a decent story to read. While I suggest you focus on your grammar, spelling, and plotlines, I'm impressed with what I see so far. Thanks for showing this work!
Hi there! I went back and read the first couple chapters so I would know where I was coming in with this--well, really so I could make sure I wasn't questioning anything that was answered by the first few chapters--so now I have a few questions/suggestions for you.
First of all I wanted to say I think you did a good job with Pache's character so far. He seems shy and nervous, and he spends a lot of time in his own head rather than interacting with other people. Which is understandable, since his classmates tease him so much.
Although, that being the case, I was a little confused when he did this.
I mean, if he's so shy and nervous and a little scared of this gang, why would he call one of them "stupid" via text, even jokingly? I feel like maybe he was just trying to tease Cinna in a friendly sort of way and then explained himself because Cinna's reaction scared him. So I think that's fine, but if that's what you intended then show us how Pache feels as he's writing these texts. Does he feel really brave for sending the first message, trying to tease someone who's kind of a friend? Or does he instantly regret it? What about when Cinna texts back so dramatically? Is Pache scared? Or does he just feel stupid because Cinna didn't understand that he was teasing?
My other big question about the boys' relationship is: why does the gang invite Pache to join them in the first place? I can see why it's tempting for him--everyone is cruel to him, so the prospect of friends who would love and protect him is extremely tempting, even if they're friends who smoke and drink and are "bad boys." But why does the gang want him? Do they figure he's a good candidate because he's an outsider like them? Do they find him amusing? Do they think he'll be useful to them, maybe by doing their homework for them? (Assuming they care about that sort of thing at all.)
Or is it all just a trick, and they want him to accept so they can later humiliate him?
If you haven't thought about this already, it's definitely something to consider. You don't have to come right out and say it in the story, but hinting at it will help the story make more sense to the reader. Additionally, it gives the story some tension because we know this is a gang of "bad boys" and we can't see why they would want Pache...so why did they invite him in???