Two weeks passed by. Zask was ready with all the information and procedure for the new experiment. He left for his experiment hurriedly towards the lab quite early in the morning.
In the lab...
He ordered Kolgi, the bot to lightly rub a cotton dipped in phenol over the table.
He first moved towards the hot air oven machine. This is a machine which looks like an enlarged oven. It is used for sterilizing the equipments with very hot dry air. Any contamination with any undesired organism or dust is highly objectionable in biotechnology.
He opened the plastic coated outer door of the hot air oven, then opened the glass door and finally started removing some things which were firmly packed in newspapers which had now become damp because of the intense heat. Everything went on very systematically.
Then Zask placed them in a tray and took them to the table that was just sterilized by Kolgi. He placed the tray between two lit burners and started unwrapping the newspapers very close to burner. The zone around the flame is asceptic.
"Micropipette...checked, 100 ml beaker...1 ml, 2 ml, 5ml pipette...yeah..." He murmered as he kept the instruments gently on the table, again between the two burners. He continued to mumble, "Giemsa stain--Oh it must be ready by now!!" He rushed to the small chamber specially constructed for preparation of reagents and stains, dyes etc., and quickly removed the little bottle out of the smaller oven. This smaller oven is used for boiling and baking of nutrient media.
Now that he had finished gathering all the materials required, he removed a test tube with its lid covered with cotton plug out of the refrigerator. It was serum of a human being.
He operated the gel electrophoresis instrument and loaded the serum in the wells in it. He turned on the power button.
Zask heaved a sigh of relief and moving his finger across his forehead, wiping off the little droplets of sweat. He gleamed with happiness at the thought, "DNA will be isolated after a couple of hours. " He glanced at the watch. It was 12:40 pm. "It would be ready till 3 or max to max 3:30." He spoke to himself in a low voice.
Now what to do till then? So he called Feroze.
"Hello, my darling! What are you doing?... Wow! Pasta? Great!... Yes, why not? And I have nothing to do now except for waiting for a few hours... So, it's a nice idea...yes....I'm- I'm coming..."
Feroze's house was not far from Zask's laboratory. Just three and a half km from the lab.
At Feroze's house...
His black current coloured Verna stopped in front of Feroze's house. With a rich style, Zask opened the door and stepped out of the car. Richness was his style and humble was his attitude. He was looking pretty handsome in his white shirt on which it was written, Don't look down.
He rang the bell. Feroze opened the door.
"I was waiting for you..." He walked in.
Zask breathed in taking the smell of pasta being freshly cooked in the kitchen.
His eyes narrowed and his every sense was getting stimulated.
"The beautiful smell is screaming it's taste.... Feroze, serve it fast to me." He said as he sat on the black coach.
"Yes, yes. Have patience, Zask. Wash your hands and face...I'm laying the table." She went in the kitchen. Zask washed his hands and splashed some water on his face.
"Umm... It's so..(chewing the bite)..tasty!" he said.
Feroze smiled.
"I didn't know you cook so beautiful!" He continued as he put another spoonful of pasta into his mouth, " Feroze, you are such an expert!"
Feroze blushed and said, "Enough enough! You are making me shy by showering praises on me."
Both of them finished the pasta and went in the drawing room. "Ahh! I enjoyed the lunch today." Zask expressed the feeling of fullness by moving his hands over his stomach.
'If you want, you may have a short nap in my bedroom. You will feel as fresh as morning dew..."
"Hmm...you are right. I'm too tired." He looked at the watch. It was 1:45 pm.
"Wake me up after half an hour. I need to go back to lab and see the results of my gel electrophoresis at around 3:15."
"Yes."
"You are not having a nap?" Zask asked caringly.
"Nope."
"What nope? You must sleep in the afternoon. It boosts up our brain by 10%! And 10% makes a lot difference---"
"Okay okay. I am sleeping with you."
Zask jumped up on one bed. Feroze shut the curtains. This turned the room into a dark soothing place ideal for an afternoon short sleep.
Feroze crawled upon the bed next to him. The room was very pleasant and spacious. She pulled a thin bed sheet over her legs and dropped it at her waist. They had a good sleep.
Feroze woke up at the alarm set at 2:45.
"Umm... Zask! wake up. Wake up Zask... "
Zask didn't move even an inch.
"ZASKKKKK!!" Feroze screamed.
He yanked, "What happened! What happened?" He exclaimed with 80% fear and 15% astonishment and 5% of unawareness of the situation.
"I was saying wake up. You have to take the results, yes or no?"
"Ah... Yes yes. Y--You scared Me!" He said with a goofy stupid smile.
"We scare...because we care."
"Aey, monstors inc! You could have called out slowly."
"I tried that." She started laughing out loud.
"What happened? Why are you laughing wildly?"
"That goofy smile of yours! Ohh! It's stupidly funny and funnily sweet!"
"You know it's involuntary, Feroze. I can't help, it comes when I'm scared."
"Hmm... Come on. I am making coffee for us. Have a sip and you should not get late too."
Zask had the coffee and left for lab.
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138,236 Literary Works • 672,088 Reviews
Heya, Eros. Casanova here to do a review for you.
okay, so this one is gonna focus on their relationship, which seems more... childish? than anything. It's strictly just light banter and random acts of kindness- which I see in a lot of puppy love situations, but not situations dealing with adults whom are involved in romance. It seems like these two have known each other a long time, if not been in a relationship for a long time together, so I would like to see more of that companionship out of them. More of older longing, more of a stereotype, well not really, make it your own, but give us something more than just what seems like playful dating, and not anything like they're serious or even dating in real time. What I mean by this is- dating, texting, talking, affection, etc. Even lust if you want, that's entirely up to you. I would just like to see more than that, but that is entirely up to you.
Anyway the way this one went out is just sort of sluggish. Like, it knows where it's wanting to go, but it doesn't know exactly how to get there, and I think with a little direction you could really form this to be something great. And I would like to see this go someewhere.
Another thing I noticed was the dialogue is a little stiff to be lovers talking. And I assume they are lovers since they call each other baby, dear, and stuff of the sort. But I would like to see you spruce it up rather than lay it around for all to lie on.
Anyway I think that's all I have to say on this and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing
Sincerely, Casanova
Alright then! Let's get to it! Note that I will be rough and will point out as many issues with your work as possible. That doesn't mean I somehow dislike you or your work, it only means that I wish for you to improve.
First of all, you should re-check your work before publishing it. It's filled with simple grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors that could be fixed really easily. I don't know if you're a foreigner or simply missed these mistakes, but there are far too many to point out. I'll give a few examples.
"He ordered Kolgi, the bot to lightly rub..." You see, the sentence isn't clear in this shape. You need to add proper punctuation. It's better, in my opinion, to use too many commas rather than too few. I make many mistakes in punctuation myself, but it would ideally go like this:
"He ordered Kolgi, the (adjective) bot, to lightly rub..."
I could be mistaken. So correct me if I'm wrong.
Next up, remember that "its" in possessive form is written without an apostrophe. "It's" means "It is".
"Its (the rat's) cheese was highly valued."
Now, I'm not an English teacher, so I'll focus more on the value of your work on its (no apostrophe) own. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm reading a description or a story. It doesn't flow very well, at least not in the beginning. You should try to read it in your mind, and see if it flows similarly to a book you'd enjoy reading. That's how I do it.
In the beginning paragraphs, your sentences seem to be rather short. I'd try to make them a bit longer myself. But that's ultimately up to you.
I think you handled the imagery in an alright manner. I could imagine the lab with relative ease. It's not flawless, and you need to keep working on it. Try not to use the same words too close to each other. You can use the same words as many times as you like, but only with proper spacing. It's immersion-breaking for some to read the same adjective in one paragraph twice.
The dialogue was somewhat believable, could still use improvement. I'm not very good with dialogue myself, so I won't lecture you there.
I'd say that your work is alright. However, I strongly encourage you to write shorter stories for practice before attempting to write a novel. You can even just describe scenes. Writing a long story is really bloody difficult, because you need to take into account things like character development, which is a whole other story on its own.
Take a busy street, for example, and describe it with as much richness and depth as you can. Then publish it. I guarantee that you'll improve much faster that way.
I know I'm just.... Tooooooooo late to reply.... Sorry for that!
Thank you soooo much for your review, lieutenant! I'll surely try to edit this as soon as possible... This time improving...
I look forward to seeing it. Please tell me when you do.
Duplicate, plz delete lads.
Hey there Eros! Let's dive right in.
The passage of time here is better represented than last chapter, although it still has some not-so-great descriptions, such as "quite early in the morning." You could do so much with that. If it was quite early, was the sun up yet, or did it peek out at him while he was scurrying through the city, flashing its early rays at him through the packed together buildings? You see? There's so much potential here to describe how early it was in the morning, and this potential is spread through most of this chapter. Here, you're not telling us it was quite early in the morning, you're showing us through the early morning rays barely scraping Zask's ankles.
You repeat "experiment" twice here. A thesaurus is your best friend! Perhaps "project" or "life work" could replace it.
Also, the reader understands that Zask would be in the lab, so the part there (in the lab...) isn't needed. Just transition from him getting to his lab to him being at his lab.
You went from past tense to present tense with the "is" there. This description also isn't too needed here. You also repeated a bit of information about the machine. The name is "hot air oven machine" (which is a weird name to begin with and doesn't sound science-y at all) then you describe it as an enlarged oven. Using the term's own name when defining it is a baaaad thing, as it doesn't describe it too well at all. Take, for example, I'm trying to define a pen to you. So, I would say "pen - a pen used to write things down." But, I'm not actually explaining to you what it is, since I used "pen" in the definition. If you don't know what "pen" is to begin with, that definition is useless.
Instead of "started removing some things" just say "removed items".
You have a tendency to put a lot of filler word in, and this paragraph here is the perfect example. Let me show you this part again will all filler words removed:
^I removed "started... some", changed "things to items" because items generalls sounds better, and removed a lot of the filler words in the follow sentence. Be careful of adverbs, specifically ones like "very". They don't add anything to what you're trying to say, and they're often traps of words. You'll find, with experience, that writers who use "very" often don't use thesauruses. Words like "very" (or "went" since I see you used that as well) are key indicators of bad words. Don't use them if you can avoid it. This article is wonderful and explains how strong verbs are, and why you shouldn't use the words I mentioned above (and others).
^See that's a much more science-y name XD. "Switched" or "flicked" on rather than "turned" here.
I think you repeated "max" here.
Something tells me this isn't a good idea...
What does "current coloured" mean? Also, you repeated "rich" here. We get that he's rich xD
If you're wanting to note anything outside of the dialogue, then do it outside of the quotation marks, like so:
Wayyy too much detail here. We do NOT need to know the percentage of emotions Zask experienced here. Just say he exclaimed with shock, or astonishment. We don't need to know anything else regarding that, because we can infer that.
General Thoughts
Once again... well your dialogue just feels very robotic and like it doesn't have personality at all. One huge thing about dialogue is miscommunication --that is, not telling the other person everything. This is something EVERYONE does. Yet, I don't see it here. I think perhaps that's why it feels so robotic.
The interactions between Zask and Feroze trouble me on a few points:
-They share too much with each other
This isn't normal. Like I said above, no communication is just as important as communication is, perhaps even more so. There's no inner dialogue here, which is also just as important because talking about a person's inner thoughts leaves more room for the author not to explain things through outer dialogue. But here, well, the dialogue just reveals too much. For example, Zask screamed in shock, he didn't need to tell Feroze that she scared him. She then didn't need to compliment him so much on his smile. But, if she did, he then could have blushed and then not said anything. Just remember, miscommunication is important, and should be in every story.
-The emotions are barely there, and all over the place when they are
I mentioned this previously in my last review, but I still feel this here. What are their personalities, by the way. Like, truly ask yourself this What are your character's personalities because I'm not seeing anything besides sickly sweet romance that doesn't feel real. How is Zask outside of this relationship? How is Feroze? Do they have any anger issues? All I know right now is that Feroze likes to scream randomly; she's done it once in each chapter so far. I'd like you to sit down and explore your character's personalities before you write another chapter. Explore them separately, that is, figure out who they are when they're not around each other. So far we haven't had a single chapter with Zask by himself, and the little parts we have had with him alone have been solely on him at his work. We haven't had Ohio (I believe that was the name of they guy in chapter one, apologies if it isn't) or Feroze alone AT ALL, so we don't know their personalities AT ALL. We've only seen Feroze in this fake romantic phase. I'd like to see more of them alone, doing what the enjoy, and let their personalities shine that way.
Anyway, I hope this helped, and please keep writing! <3
I think I'm tooooooo late to reply! But I really don't get time much... Sorry for that!
Thank you sooooo much for your review, Omnom!! Hmm... I'll edit this as soon as possible... And add some more feels to it.