Young Writers Society

Heya, Eros. Casanova here to do another review for you.

Anyway, first things first- your character- Zask. I wouldn't really call him the emotional type, more of the type to go with the flow and do what people likes and such. That's not really a bad trait in many situations, but here he tries to be more than that- and he fails dramatically, honestly. Then again, you do state what he prefers, just for the reader- not for Feroze to know. So I would suggest throwing it out there and letting him appear more dapper and emotional than anything. I mean she probably wouldn't believe him considering she literally though he had forgotten about her(I would like you to go into more detail about that- was he busy that entire time? Did he simply just disappear for awhile? Was there something to happen? I would like a little insight on what's going on here rather than just letting it lie there.)

In any case, another thing. Your dialogue here isn't as good as it could be- I would suggest straying away from letting your punctuation describe your emotions. Describe the tone of their voices, describe their movements and body language, and things like that to show how they actually feel rather than just the words themselves. That way people know for certain what exactly it is the character is feeling- because words can betray what a person really feels- it can also put up a front to say something you don't really feel, and so on and so forth, if that makes any sense in the slightest.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing.

Sincerely, Casanova

Hello Eros! Despite that informative review down below, I decided I wanted to review this piece as well.

: Impression :
Alright, so the romance in here seems a bit of the casual one. Girl and boy locks eyes. Tucks back her hair/moves her hair out of her face. Sweetheart. Dear. I feel like its lacking something, but I cannot put my finger on what. I found the last sentence to be a bit cheesy. 'We all have an inspiration around us. We only need to search.' It seems like you had a passing thought of something and decided to stick it onto the end.

For Feroze, is she meant to be a bit of a sassy character, or are you trying to make the reader dislike her? In the story, when you mention this character screaming just because his room is messy seems very childish. Why would an adult/young adult scream over something so stupid? I thought it was funny that her voice excites him though. Most of the problems are stemmed from the punctuation/grammar but some of the story as well. I could care less if both of them just decided to drop dead now. Naturally, the guy has a six pack. I just can't seem to get over that. It reminds me of those vampire love stories. Shiver.

: Corrections :
"FEROZE!!!", he screamed on the way, " Feroze... What happened? Why did you scream so horribly!! You scared me! It felt as if something was biting you! "
What do you mean by 'it felt as if something was biting you'? He can't actually feel what is happening to her. He can think that something was attacking her or that someone intruded. Also, what would be around to bite her? Does he have a dog or something? Otherwise, this sentence makes no sense. Also, the multiple exclamation points are a bit too much. In a real book they would only allow so many at once.

"I'm getting late!
I think you meant to write here 'it's getting late' instead of 'I'm getting late'. Just wanted to point this out.

"So what was there to scream? Come let's sit in the drawing room."
Either add a comma here or separate up the sentences and make 'come' its own sentence.

"What?" She asked him back.
There isn't something actually wrong with this, but the 'she asked him back' makes me cringe a bit. It sounds like an elementary choice of words. If I were you I would take off him back completely, but this is just a suggestion.

The room was very untidy with the scrumbled pages scattered all over the floor and some thin and few thick books lying on the coach.
I didn't know scrumbled was a word. I am pretty sure it is not. Did you mean scrambled? Also, you seem to drag on the sentence. It needs to get straight to the point. If you wanted to accentuate on how the room looks, add a semicolon after the room was very untidy. Make sure to fix the spelling on couch. Here is an example:

The room was very untidy; textbook pages were scattered all over the floor and thick books were lying all over the couch.

He stretched his long mascular arms,
*muscular

:: Character Development ::
Let's talk about Feroze. As I mentioned earlier, she seems a bit b*tchy if I had to sum her up. She orders him to get her a drink, and she screams when the room is messy and complains. It kind of makes me hate her but you are doing good on this if this is what you were aiming for. If you are not aiming for this, I think if she were sarcastic or joked around I would like her more. Maybe if she were more kind or had more of a quirky personality. She just seems a bit flat in character, you know?
As far as Zask goes, he is just the guy with the six pack that is desperately in love with the girl. That's all I can feel towards him honestly. I can't really get a feel on what his personality is. He seems a bit nervous in front of her, which you did a good part on showing.

I hope my review helps you. If you have any questions don't be shy to reply.

Hey there Eros! Let's get right in

It was 8 am. Zask was reading some books and wrote the following in his experimental journal:

As soon as he opened the door, his eyes directly met with Feroze's emerald eyes. His blue eyes gazing deeply at Feroze's emerald green eyes...and when their eyes observed closely, gave a perfect blend of the two colors. It looked like blue sky was uniting with the green fields on earth.

His striking blue eyes contrasted her deep emerald ones, as if they complemented each other like the sky complements the lush green fields on a hot summer day.

"Come inside, dear!"said Zask.

Feroze went into the house.

Feroze was speechless firstly because of his words and secondly because of the locked eyes.