z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Snow Queen (Chapter 3)

by ErikaHale


Chapter 3

“May I ask where you’re taking me?” Sonya inquired, who had followed the gentleman in silence until now.

“The night the thieves broke into the stables, we were woken up by Ranger's cries. When we finally got to the scene, there was no trace of the thieves, except for the footsteps and what they had taken." Andrei informed her, his voice deep and grave.

"And what did they take?!" Sonya demanded once more, growing eager by the minute.

But her question was left unanswered until they entered the royal stables. Andrei went over to his horse, Ranger, and pulled him out of his stall. He then walked closer to the horse's rear, and pulled off the blanket that covered it.

"This is what they took from us." Andrei proclaimed dramatically, pointing at the place where Ranger's tail used to be. "They cut it right off."

Sonya gasped, her grey eyes widening to the size of dinner plates. Seeing a horse without a tail was like seeing a man without a leg or an arm. It was a heartbreaking sight.

It took the princess a few minutes to regain her composure. "Andrei, is there anything that makes Ranger special? Does he possess any supernatural skill that differences him from all the rest?"

"Yes." Andrei said with a proud smile. "He is the faster horse in all of Russia."

"'The tail of the fastest horse, to make the fastest wind…'" Sonya muttered. Where have I heard that phrase before? She wondered. Was it a part of a song, or a poem I heard when I was young? Then, an outrageous idea popped into her head. Did my real mother tell it to me before she died or before she disappeared?

Sonya began to shake her head violently. No, that's silly. Nicolette is my real mother, even if she looks nothing like me.

Yet a far off voice, distant and but awfully familiar repeated: '''The tail of the fastest horse, to make the fastest wind'"

Sonya held her temples. Where is that voice coming from? Have I gone mad?

"Princess Sonya, are you alright?" Ivan inquired, his eyes showing concern. "You look like you're having a terrible headache."

"It's alright. It'll pass." she replied quickly. "Please follow me back to the castle. I have a feeling I know why your horse's tail is missing."

***

"Andrei, do you still believe that the Snow Queen is real?" Sonya whispered in his ear as they made their way back to the castle.

The farm boy's cheeks turned red once more. "I won't lie to you, princess, so yes. Yes, I do believe she's out there, coating the volcanoes with white." he said quietly.

"That's good." Sonya hummed. "Because I do too."

Andrei's brown eyes widened at this new piece of information. He turned his head to the princess, trying to decipher her determined expression.

Sonya tried not to blush. Why is he regarding me so? Is he admiring my beauty, perhaps? The princess shook her head once more. Silly girl. He probably has a girlfriend.

"Welcome back, princess." said the butler with a warm smile, opening the gates for them to escape the cold air.

"Thank you, Pierre." Sonya muttered to her servant.

"Maria!" The princess called out when they reached her vast living room.

"Yes, princess?"

"Would you please prepare a little something for Mister Bolkonskaya to snack on while Andrei and I go upstairs to the library to do a little research?" Sonya inquired, hinting that it was more of an order than a question.

"Yes, princess." Maria replied before escorting Ivan to the kitchen.

"Why can't he come with us?" Andrei asked as they ascended the staircase, his boots sinking into the carpet at his feet.

"Because he doesn't believe, darling. At least not like we do." 


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Sat Sep 10, 2016 8:18 pm
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RebeccaCollins wrote a review...



Hey there Erika Hale! Rebecca Collins here!

First off, I would just like to say how much I LOVED this chapter!
I am new to YWS, and you are actually the first person I am reviewing and I still don't know a lot about these kinds of things, so forgive me if I make some kind of mistake.

I believe that what makes this chapter really good, is not only your amazing language, but also how well structured it is. You also have very good punctuation.

I really loved how the characterization of Andrei and Sonya is getting stronger, and the readers are starting to know them a little bit better.

What I would have liked is for there to be more description, since if not it comes out a bit dull, but it is still a great chapter!

I can't wait to see what happens next, and I'm really hoping we can be friends.

xoxo,

Rebecca

PS: It would mean a lot to me for you to review a chapter from my upcoming novel! Also, send me a message when a new chapter of the Snow Queen is out. ;)




ErikaHale says...


Hello there, Rebecca!

First of all, welcome to YWS! (Lovely avatar, by the way) and thank you for your review! I am honored to be the recipient of your very first review, and I would love to see some of your work!
FYI, the fourth chapter of The Snow Queen has already been posted, and I would be grateful if you could review that one, too.
Anyway, thanks again for your wonderful review!

XOXO,

Erika Hale



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Fri Sep 09, 2016 1:04 pm
MrsJennings wrote a review...



Hello Erika!

Here to review while I sip my tea today.
Loooved this chapter! So many developments!
Well construed, good structure, vocabulary, punctuation. Well done!
I missed a little more description, but glad the story is moving forward at a good pace.
I like how the characters are showing part of their history, the reference to the "real" mother and her doubts to such respect is really good, gives the reader hints that there is more wool to thread out.
The reference to Sonya thinking Andrei might have a "lover" I do not like. They are too young (or at least I pictured them too young) you could have referred to a girlfriend or just a friend.
Good clifhanger!!
Love to see what happens next!!!
Kindest regards,

Mrs. Jennings




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Mon Sep 05, 2016 5:03 pm
LadyEvvy wrote a review...



Hello, it's Evvy again! Here to leave another review.

First of all, I enjoyed the length a lot more than the previous chapters. I just think that longer chapters are easier to get absorbed in, while shorter chapters tend to be too choppy.
Second, I like that the pace is picking up. I'm really getting drawn into the story and you're beginning to raise some questions about what will happen later in the story, like what the deal is with Sonya's mother. Excellent foreshadowing.

We're also seeing a bit more development in Andrei's character, even though the story is being told from Sonya's perspective. I think you're doing a really great job with telling and not showing. Inferring things for yourself is part of the fun of reading, so it's really keeping me interested!

One problem that I have is that some of your sentences are a bit difficult to read. For example, this first one: "'May I ask where you’re taking me?' Sonya inquired, who had followed the gentleman in silence until now." Something about this sentence is rather choppy and hard to understand. Although this is a minor thing, it pulls readers out of their immersion a little. I'd recommend proofreading to see if any sentences are too complicated.

One last thing. Overall, your word choice is very good, and the verbs you use give lots of vivid details without cluttering the page with adjectives. However, there are a few places that I think give an impression that conflicts with the characters you've presented. For example: "'Thank you, Pierre.' Sonya muttered to her servant." I feel as though Sonya wouldn't mutter things to her servants. I get the impression that she uses an authoritative voice even for thank yous. These little things are few and far between, but you might want to run through and make sure your verbs accurately describe your characters' personalities.

I think that's all I wanted to say. I'm really enjoying this so far and I'm interested in finding out where the plot is going to go. Good luck and keep writing!




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Mon Sep 05, 2016 1:38 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

“May I ask where you’re taking me?” Sonya inquired, who had followed the gentleman in silence until now.
So one thing that I'd like to know is how long they've been walking for. It might give a feeling for how big the palace is.

"Why can't he come with us?" Andrei asked as they ascended the staircase, his boots sinking into the carpet at his feet.
I really think you should include Andrei's grandfather's reaction to this. Even a quick glare in their direction would do. Because it kind of feels like his dropped out of the story in this chapter.

Grammar and Punctuation

"He is the faster horse in all of Russia."
I think you meant to say "fastest" instead of "faster".

Overall thoughts

Chapter plot: I like how the plot is going at a steady pace and that you're slowly layering subplots on top of the main plot. At the moment I think I can see two subplots. The first would be that Andrei and Sonya might have a bit of a romance plot in the future. The second would be the story behind Sonya's mother. I can't wait to see if and how these turn out. Also I thought that you're chapter length was much better, though you might want to go just a tad longer.:D

Characters: Okay so I'd say that you mostly expanded on Sonya's character in this chapter. You presented my with a bit of her backstory, which is now posing as a great hook for me to keep reading. You also expressed her belief in the Snow Queen which has probably sparked the first connection between her and Andrei.

Description: The one thing that I was a little upset about with in this chapter was that there wasn't as much description as normal. I thought that you could have included a bit more around Andrei's horse. Wasn't the poor thing a bit distressed and how low down was the tail cut. Had they done something to make it feel better. Things like that. :D

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




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Sun Sep 04, 2016 6:35 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey!

Something I noticed in a few places of dialogue --

"Yes." Andrei said with a proud smile.


Instead of a period, you can use a comma after "Yes". When there's a dialogue tag (said, whispered, screamed, stated, etc) you use a comma (unless it's an exclamation point or question mark), but if it's something else (like an action), you can use a period.

Quick example:

"Hey," Bob called to Patricia.

"Hey Bob! Long time no see." Patricia walked over to Bob.


I hope that makes sense? If not, I can try to explain it in further detail.


This was certainly an interesting chapter... I love all the information we got. And a bit more on Sonya's background information - now I'm really curious about Nicolette/if she has a "real" mom.

I love Sonya's inner thoughts. It really adds more to the story, and we get to know more about her just by what she's thinking!

You wanted me to add in something about the chapter length. It does feel longer than the previous chapters, and the note this chapter ended on felt very secure. I'm wondering, though, if there could be more imagery regarding the setting, though? I think emotions + thoughts + dialogue are pretty well done -- but I feel like there could be a bit more detailed description when it comes to the setting.

Of course, we know they're in the castle, but even just the smallest bit of imagery can help - are there looming chandeleirs? Is there a spiraling staircase that Sonya points to when she mentions going upstairs to the library? Things like that!

The plot is definitely escalating. Very excited to see what's going to happen next, and what's going on with that weird, mysterious phrase Sonya hears.

~ EternalRain ^-^




ErikaHale says...


Dearest EternalRain,

Thank you so much for being the first one to review this chapter :) !
And thank you for the dialogue tip, I always get confused regarding that aspect writing.
You're absolutely right about imagery. I focused so much on the dialogue, and Sonya's inner thoughts, and getting all the information on the page that I did't page much attention to that. I'll see what I can do.
Anyway, thank you so much for your feedback and I promise to post the fourth chapter soon.

XOXO,

Erika Hale




You can't choose your parentage. But you can choose your legacy.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus