I love it! Although I do agree with the other two that it is a bit long. And you could add some more rhymes to it to make it more of a poem. All in all, it's a great story! I read all the way through!
She
Her hair shone gold.
A dark, cold rain was falling down on her.
Running down her bare back.
Ruining her shoes.
Black mascara was melting down her cheeks.
But it wasn’t because of the rain.
It was because of all the crying.
She had lost him.
For good.
He
His hair was messy and black.
One of his huge hands grabbed the speed stick.
The other one the steering wheel.
He was driving fast.
But he had no rush.
He took another turn.
But he didn’t know were he was going.
It didn’t matter.
He had lost her,
For good.
She
She noticed a pair of headlights in the distance
They were coming this way
She couldn’t see the car.
But it didn’t matter.
This was her only chance to get a ride home.
So she stood up and stuck out her thumb
Like in the movies
She just hoped it would work
He
He saw someone in the distance
Asking for a ride
Why not?
He had nothing else to do, anyway.
He diminished the distance and took a look at the person.
He couldn't believe his eyes.
She
Thank the good Lord above
The car slowed down
She smiled and waved
Until she saw the driver
She couldn’t believe her eyes
He
Blond, petite, and slim.
With blue eyes and red lipstick.
Wearing a white backless dress.
He gaped at her beauty
At her magnificence
What in the world was that?
An angel?
A fairy?
A nymph?
He was so distracted, he almost crashed into her
Almost.
She
Black hair, green eyes.
Tall with broad shoulders
Wearing a red lumberjack shirt.
Good Lord
Could he be the answer to her prayers?
Could he be her knight in shining armor?
She was so distracted, she almost forgot to step out of the car’s way.
Almost.
He
Somehow, he stopped right in time.
Somehow, he got the strength to get out of the car
Somehow, he protected her head with his arms
And she didn’t resist
She actually put her arms around his waist
She
Thank the good Lord above
He was such a gentelman
She felt his strong arms above her
And couldn't resist
She put her arms around his waist
And walked with him towards the car
He
Somehow he guided her to the car.
And somehow it didn’t feel awkward.
Somehow when they both were seated.
He felt the necessity to feel her arms around his waist once more.
She
They both sat there, motionless
She, feeling a strong desire to have his arms above her head
To put her arms around his waist
To hear his voice
And her wishes were granted
He
“Where do you want me to take you?” he asked
She didn’t say anything for a few seconds
His mind was full of questions
There was such a strong attraction between them
So powerful and bewitching
He just wanted to kiss her
To embrace her
But he was overpowered by his own alexithymia
He just hoped she felt it, too.
She
“243, Chateaubriant Street.”
Her mind was going at a thousand miles per hour
She was hoping he was braver than she was
She glanced over at him
He
His jaw was about to drop
He contained himself
Chateaubriant was about the wealthiest street in the city
She was a Soc
Of course she was a Soc
No wonder why she was dressed in such filthy rich clothes
What was he thinking?
A Soc like her, with a Greaser like him?
Please
Might as well ask for the moon to fall from the sky
She
She made the mistake of noticing the picture in his rear view mirror
A picture of him with a girl
A picture of him kissing a girl
A picture of him kissing a beautiful girl
Oh good Lord
He had a girlfriend
Of course he had a girlfriend!
What was she thinking?
A handsome fella like him, single?
Please
Might as well ask for the moon to fall from the sky
He
Wait a second…
Wait a friggin’ second…
What if he tried to win her over?
He had done it before with Sally, hadn’t he?
But he couldn’t let himself think about Sally
He couldn’t let himself think about how he held her hand for the last time before…
Before she…
No!
Stop it!
There was a pretty girl sitting right next to him, shivering
Waiting for him to start the engine
Waiting for him to say something
She
She began shivering
She couldn’t help it
“Oh man, you must be freezing! God, where are my manners? I’ll be right back…”
Thank the good Lord
He stepped outside
Giving her enough time to think of how to find out if he really was taken
She dried her hand on the seat and snatched the picture
But she wasn’t fast enough
He was coming back
Drat!
She put it on it’s place quick as lightning and tried to look normal
He
He put a blanket around her shoulders
“Thank you” she whispered
“No problem. Say, would you like me to get us a coffee or somethin’?
There’s a nice place a few blocks from here
Oh, don’t worry ‘bout money…
It’s on me.”
He saw her smiled
Oh man, that smile
He would kill to wake up to that smile every morning
She
“Sure. I’d love to.” she replied
Amazing how coffee can loosen up a person’s tongue
She now knew all about him
His name was Harry
The girl in the picture was his girlfriend
Was
She passed away from Cancer a month ago
Her recent journey to the other side had hit him hard
But he was ready to move on
He was actually going to take down the picture, anyway
He had devoted his life to cars
The one he owned, a blue Mustang now parked outside the coffee house
Had actually been stolen from a mean gang of Socs who had tried and failed to harm him
He
Thank God for coffee
Now he knew everything about her
Her name was Caroline
He had picked her up just after her engagement party
Where she had told her parents she didn’t want that life
The life that they had planned for her
She didn’t want a rich husband
Or a big house upstate
She just wanted to be a novelist
A globetrotter
To travel from country to country, from city to city
Going places, meeting people
Learning from experience and not from books
Her parents freaked out
And kicked her out of the house
Harry couldn’t really blame them
It was, after all, a crazy idea (who would want to read a book written by a girl?!)
But it was, after all, crazy and beautiful
Just like her
She
“So, you see...I really have nowhere to go.”
“Why did you give me your address, then?”
“It was like a reflex. Involuntary.”
He nodded in that way of his.
“Did you perhaps feel...oh, I don’t know, an attraction between us?” Caroline ventured
“Like a magnet?”“Yes.”
He took a sip of coffee “I did feel that way. Kinda weird, huh?”
“Absolutely.”
Without thinking, they held hands
Smiling was unavoidable
He
Out of the blue, Harry had an idea
The idea that would be the last step to his master plan
If it didn’t work on her, nothing would
She
He stood up and offered his hand
“Follow me. I would like to show you something.”
Without hesitation, Caroline to her future lover’s hand
They walked towards the car
She thought nothing could ruin this moment
Until he came
He
Some drunk guy staggered towards them
Dressed in a black tux
Holding up a bottle of beer
“So, this is who you left me for, uh, Caroline?”
She frowned
“Get lost, Vickram.”
The drunk man smiled, showing his repulsive yellow teeth
“Now, girl, don’t talk like that to your fiance.”
“Hey, you heard the lady. Get lost.” Harry snapped
“If a duel is what you want, then a duel you shall have. En garde!” Vickram yelled, holding his beer bottle like a sword
Harry reached down for his pocket knife (also stolen from the Soc gang)
Vickram charged
She
Oh, no
No, my Lord
She was not going to be saved by a man
Caroline stood in front of Harry
Jumped up in the air
And kicked Vickram square in the jaw
He was on the ground
Caroline then took the bottle from him
And smashed it on his head
He
What just happened?!
“Wow, Caroline…that was incredible! Where did you…?”
She smiled cunningly “I’ve been attending martial arts in secret since I was 13”
She
“Now, where did you want to take me?”
“You’ll find out once we get there.”
They both hopped on the car and drove the heck out of there
On the entire ride, she felt apprehensive
This small adventure had been extraordinary, yes
She had finally run away from home and freed herself from that life, yes
But what now?
Where was she going to live?
Where would she get the money to travel?
She could maybe break into her parent’s house and…
No
The place was well guarded
No way she could get in
Oh, how would she live now?
He
“You okay?”
“What? Oh, yes, I am just fine. Why?”“You’re frowning.”
She crossed her arms “Since when is it forbidden for me to frown?”
He snorted “Sorry, it’s just… I guess it’s the first time I’ve ever seen you frown.”
She shrugged, then looked out the window
And frowned
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing, just… I had never really thought about everything before telling my parents… I guess I expected them to be more… understanding.”
“Understanding enough to finance your entire trip around the world?”
“Good Lord, no! I thought if I wanted to marry someone else, they would let me.”
He snorted “Yeah, if you wanted to leave him for someone wealthier.”
She chuckled “Yeah. But I can’t stop being apprehensive…
I don’t have a place to stay
Or money
Or a job
Or even a car of my own
Worse than that, I’m on my own.”
She
“You’re not on your own. You have me.”
She smiled
“I still need a place to stay, or money, or a job, or even a car of my own.”
He sighted, distraught
She hated making him feel that way
so she smiled
and tried not to look worried
for him
He came to a stop.
“We’re here.”
She got out of the car and saw
That Harry had brought her to a landmark
The top of a cliff
She could see the beach beyond
And the stars above
In her life, Caroline had never seen such a vast sky
A sky with endless possibilities
With infinite outcomes
“Oh, good Lord.”
He
“Yeah, Amazing, isn’t it?
And to think that each of this stars is thousands of miles away
Yet we can still see how bright they shine.
Each of them is a ball of fire
That could probably burn down an entire city
Yet they can’t harm us
Because they are thousands of miles away.”
“Like Vickram.” she teased.
They both laughed
She
“I could provide you with everything you need, you know?
I could get you a place to stay
And a job
And a car of your own.”
She looked down at her shoes “No, you can’t.”
“How do you know I can’t?”
“How do you know you can?”
He cupped her face in his hands
Then gently turned her head up.
He
“Look at the stars, Caroline. Can you count them all?”
“No.”
He turned her head back down
So that she was looking right into his eyes
Those beautiful, hazel nut eyes
“If you can’t count all the stars, then I can.”
They
None of them knew who started it
Or how they got the courage to do it
But one thing was certain
That at that moment
In the top of a cliff
Under the stars
At midnight
They kissed
I love it! Although I do agree with the other two that it is a bit long. And you could add some more rhymes to it to make it more of a poem. All in all, it's a great story! I read all the way through!
!
Hi I'm here to give you a review
ok so this is a very interesting piece of work and I enjoyed reading it.
I wanted to start of by commenting on the format of this poem. I really really loved the way you gave both sides of story, the girl and the boy and how they mirrored each other to a certain extent. I am a big fan of multiple point of views so this really impressed me. Although I do agree with the other review that was given to you, it is too long. It so long that the reader gets tired switching from he to she all the time and eventually loses interest thus you should split this poem into more parts as it would give the reader time to reflect on what is going on.
I also want to comment on the fact there is a lack of rhyme and I think that if you added a couple of rhyming words here and there it wold have made the poem flow easier and hold the attention of the reader more. Moreover I want to comment on your use of diction. You used some good interesting words that added to the scene by creating imagery and that was a very good poetic device to use as it helps the reader imagine the scene easily. However there were instances where you repeated various words, which could have been exchange for other words with the same meaning and at the same time emphasis and make the scene more clear.
Over all, great story conveyed in a poetic way. Very original and interesting, I look forward to reading more of these types of works. Continue writing you have a good gift
~RS
! Although I'm afraid I won't be doing any more of this love poems...I will write stories that show different points of view, but not this exact format. Anyway, thank you so much for your review! I'm honored to be complimented by a writer like you 
. I already posted the first chapter. It's a bit on the short side, but if you like fantasy, adventure and suspense be sure to check it out! This is a really nice story you’ve created here, I was very captivated for the first few stanzas but here you are making it way too long. My advice would be two things, one, would be to either shorten the poem down into something that won’t scare people away. As even as beautiful I think this is even I couldn’t read the entire thing. A poem, in my opinion, should be so long as to scare away the reader due to the sheer size of it. The other option is to split it in two and post them as separate parts, although I’m not sure how well that would work for this. secondly I would recommend getting some rhythm and maybe a bit of rhyme in there and try to avoid using overly complicated words like alexithymia, instead i would recommend just finding a synonym of the word you want to use to see if something fits more in with the rhythm of the rest. As poems are supposed to flow nicely so by adding a some rhythm and rhyme it would help in making it a nice continuous flow of words for the reader. But all in all this is a really nice poem/story and I think you should definably continue writing
120,187 Literary Works • 648,980 Reviews
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Donate