The Snow Queen (Chapter 1)

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

Sonya ran towards her bedroom window as soon as she heard the sound of hooves clacking against pebbles.(solid beginning. Introduces us to the main character right away. Also paints the picture that she's been anticipating somebody.)

Yet her face fell (liked this sentence. Though brief, it immediately shows that what she saw was not what she was hoping to see). She expected to find one of the luxurious carriages that usually went up the driveway of her castle. Those which were made of strong mahogany panels with hand painted shields and golden wheels. And as much as she hated to admit it, she half expected it to be Prince Simone's red and gold carriage making its way to the entrance of the palace.(show, don't tell. I would wait until said luxurious carriage actually arrives before describing it. Also, since Prince what's-his-face is mentioned later, I found the last sentence to be redundant.)

But the /*The*/ cause of that rhythmic click-clack were two riders who seemed to be exact opposites of each other (redundant). They were both male and atop of horses(redundant. The context clues already indicate they're riding horses), but that was /*where the similarities ended*/ the only similarity that they shared.

One /*The first*/ (gives him importance) rider was an elderly man who, judging by his clothes, owned a farm (clothing can say a lot about a person's character). Even from a distance Sonya could see that his hair was a glistening grey, and that his hands were big and rough (the description of his hands shows that he's a hard worker). His posture irradiated simplicity but at the same time, firmness and aggressiveness(I liked this sentence. Non-verbal actions, when done right, can convey a lot of character depth). His horse was like a version of himself; (change semicolon to period)for it was a rather large Vyatka, its shaggy black mane in contrast with its dark brown fur.(Overall excellent description)

To the old rider's right hand stood its exact opposite. (redundant. You've already stated that they are opposites. Also, we already know the previous rider is old) A young boy of about Sonya's age (which is? I would recommend specifying that), with shaggy hazelnut colored (redundant. The context clues already indicate you're describing the hair colour) hair, almost red in its richness. The features of his face were defined and symmetrical, although his mouth was weak and playful.(I find this description to be somewhat lacking, compared to the description of the older rider. Like I said before, clothing and non-verbal actions can say a lot about a person's character. That said, try using those to elaborate.)

Well, he is no Simone Romano (this way, the reader will wonder whom she's talking about. Mystery and suspense are excellent motivators), but I have to admit, he's handsome… Sonya thought to herself.(cut. The italicised text already indicates that this is inner dialogue)

The horse which he sat upon /*His horse*/ (keep things concise) also seemed to bear an uncanny resemblance to its rider's spirit. A young and graceful Budyonny, whose fur matched its rider's hair. Sonya couldn't help but notice that its behind was covered by a heavy dark blue blanket.

'That is rather odd…' thought Sonya. 'Horses don't usually go out covered in blankets, and even when they do, the blanket covers most of the horse's back, not its rear. It's almost as if that blanket was placed there to cover something...'(interesting paragraph. Since I don't know much about horses, I found this to be educational)

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts (liked this twist). Sonya tried her best to forget her silly suspicions and answered it dutifully.

"Oh, Maria, thank God it's you!" The little princess cried in a hushed tone. "Who are these mysterious peasants that are standing outside?"

"I was about to tell you, my dear. They have both traveled from the countryside to see you. I reckon they come in seek of guidance."

"Oh, dear, how does my heart swell up with joy!" Sonya cried, sarcasm dripping from her words. "What will it be this time? A difference of opinion on how to dig up a well to fetch water? More complain/*t*/s about the unusually frigid winter?"

"Sonya! What would your father say if he heard the treacherous things that are coming out of your mouth?"

"I don't know nor do I care." She commented as she walked up to her extensive wardrobe. "Now would you be a doll and help me get into this dress?!"

"But ma'am, don't you think that one is a bit too… festive for such an ordinary affair?"

"Nonsense! If my future subjects are here to see me, I want them to see me at my best. Now 'dress me slow, for I am in a hurry.'"

"Miss Sonya! You know better than to quote that… bezumets!"

"Monsieur Napoleon is not a madman, Maria. He's just… well, you're right, he is mad. But you have to admit, he has come up with quite a catchy saying."(nice reference. It is executed in a way that even those whom don't know whom he is will catch on)

Hello Erika Hale,
I seldom leave reviews. But I'm quite intrigued by your story. Strong start, well developed charaters. Loved the ending!
Continue on this well construed path. However, I found some of your language a little exagerated, over the top. I would drop it a notch. I think this will make the story more accessible to the general reader.
Keep on writing!
Mrs. Jennings

Hello ErikaHale,
I haven't been on this site in quite a while but I am trying to reinvigorate my imagination. I enjoyed this section, small though it may be. And I realize I'm a bit late to review but I wanted to start at the beginning before reading the other two chapters you have up. With that, let us begin.

"Sonya ran towards her bedroom window as soon as she heard the sound of hooves clacking against pebbles."

Like I said, I enjoyed the section but I feel like you could have started off a bit stronger. Here, it would have been interesting to have seen what she was doing when she heard the hooves. Clearly, she's waiting for some prince or something. If you had her fuming about it or acting out her impatience in some way, it would give us some view into her character and how she feels about the situation. Also, it gave a bit of a vague idea as to where she is. Is she on the first floor, is she looking out over a moat and a drawbridge? Might help start it off and add some details to a chapter that doesn't have too much content to push it forward other than Sonya's inner struggles. And she seems an interesting enough character to hold this length of a piece on her thoughts and actions alone.

"Yet her face fell. She expected to find one of the luxurious carriages that usually went up the driveway of her castle. Those which were made of strong mahogany panels with hand painted shields and golden wheels. And as much as she hated to admit it, she half expected it to be Prince Simone's red and gold carriage making its way to the entrance of the palace."

Interesting desire. I like the conflict you added about her hating to admit what she wanted even though she did want it. Also, for whatever reason, I pictured it being night time. Maybe add a small detail letting us know whether it's day or not.

"But the cause of that rhythmic click-clack were two raiders who seemed to be exact opposites of each other. They were both male and atop of horses, but that was the only similarity that they shared."

So, I myself struggle with this problem. I feel as though a precursor is required before a description. In all honesty, you can rely quite heavily on your reader to make such deductions and eliminate this paragraph altogether. The following descriptions are beautifully said and would give us all the information we need to understand this.


"One raider was an elderly man who, judging by his clothes, owned a farm. Even from a distance Sonya could see that his hair was a glistening grey, and that his hands were big and rough. His posture irradiated simplicity but at the same time, firmness and aggressiveness. His horse was like a version of himself; for it was a rather large Vyatka, its shaggy black mane in contrast with its dark brown fur.

First, I'd like to point out that you want the word "rider". I was completely thrown off by the use of the word raider. Also, I would have liked to have seen how he was sitting instead of reading what his posture radiated. It's still somewhat vague how he's riding this horse. Otherwise, I do like the description of him as a whole.

"To the old raider's right hand stood its exact opposite. A young boy of about Sonya's age, with shaggy hazelnut colored hair, almost red in its richness. The features of his face were defined and symmetrical, although his mouth was weak and playful."

I'm not quite sure I know what you mean when you say his mouth was weak. Makes me think he can't hold his lips up or something so it was a little distorted. I wouldn't use that description. Good description otherwise though.

Also, I love how you used the names of the types of horses. Makes me feel like you trust me as a reader to be intelligent enough to either know what it is or look it up.

As for the rest of the piece, I can't say I'm too big a fan of the italicized thoughts. I never really have been. I enjoy more facial expressions and reactions. But that's more of a preference.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. Sonya tried her best to forget her silly suspicions and answered it dutifully.

"Oh, Maria, thank God it's you!" The little princess cried in a hushed tone. "Who are these mysterious peasants that are standing outside?"

"I was about to tell you, my dear. They have both traveled from the countryside to see you. I reckon they come in seek of guidance."

OK, I'm slightly confused. How old is this princess? I thought she was late teens or something. This makes me think she's a little girl. But why would anyone be searching for her guidance if she is? Also, how does Maria know what these men want? They've barely arrived.

As for the dialogue, I enjoyed the sarcasm of the princess and the banter between her and her servant, I'm guessing.

I'll read the next two chapters as soon as I can! Thanks for sharing your work, you have a lot of potential.

Tyler

Hi there, Erika! c: Your title really intriguied me, so here I am to review. I haven't written a review in ages so please excuse my rusty-ness haha!

Just a few nitpicks to start it off--

A young and graceful Budyonny, who's fur matched its raider's hair. Sonya couldn't help but notice that it's behind was covered by a heavy dark blue blanket.

That is rather odd… thought Sonya Horses don't usually go out covered in blankets, and even when they do,

Its almost as if that blanket was placed there to cover something...

coming out of your mouth?!"

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.

Note: Long time, no see. I see that you've changed up your story. Let's see how it is, yes?

Nit-picks

His horse was very much like him, for although you could tell it was old, its grey fur glistened in the morning sunlight. His horse was like a version of himself; for it was a rather large Vyatka, its shaggy black mane in contrast with its dark brown fur.

Now 'dress me slow, for I am in a hurry.'"

This review courtesy of

Hello! I'm Evvy, and I'll just leave a little review here for you!

First of all, I like how you introduced Sonya's personality. So far I get the impression that she's sharp-witted, but also rather judgmental and arrogant. You set the tone quite well and gave a good idea of the time period, too, something that I always struggle with. At the same time though, I feel like we didn't get much of an idea about Maria's character. Perhaps we'll get a better picture of her later on, but it would be nice to learn a little more about how she's related to Sonya.

I like the vivid details about the riders and how you also use them to show of Sonya's personality. The issue that I see though, is that considering how short this chapter is, a pretty big portion of it is taken up describing those two people. It might be nice if we got a clearer picture of Sonya's backstory or some development in the plot, but basically all this scene does is introduce Sonya and the riders while hinting at some other characters. It would be nice to have some more action and maybe length in this chapter.

This sounds like an interesting concept and I really want to hear more about the characters you've presented. Would you mind tagging me when you post next?
Keep writing and good luck!