See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.
Sonya ran towards her bedroom window as soon as she heard the sound of hooves clacking against pebbles.(solid beginning. Introduces us to the main character right away. Also paints the picture that she's been anticipating somebody.)
Yet her face fell (liked this sentence. Though brief, it immediately shows that what she saw was not what she was hoping to see).She expected to find one of the luxurious carriages that usually went up the driveway of her castle. Those which were made of strong mahogany panels with hand painted shields and golden wheels. And as much as she hated to admit it, she half expected it to be Prince Simone's red and gold carriage making its way to the entrance of the palace.(show, don't tell. I would wait until said luxurious carriage actually arrives before describing it. Also, since Prince what's-his-face is mentioned later, I found the last sentence to be redundant.)But the/*The*/ cause of that rhythmic click-clack were two riderswho seemed to be exact opposites of each other(redundant). They were both maleand atop of horses(redundant. The context clues already indicate they're riding horses), but that was /*where the similarities ended*/the only similarity that they shared.One/*The first*/ (gives him importance) rider was an elderly man who, judging by his clothes, owned a farm (clothing can say a lot about a person's character). Even from a distance Sonya could see that his hair was a glistening grey, and that his hands were big and rough (the description of his hands shows that he's a hard worker). His posture irradiated simplicity but at the same time, firmness and aggressiveness(I liked this sentence. Non-verbal actions, when done right, can convey a lot of character depth). His horse was like a version of himself; (change semicolon to period)for it was a rather large Vyatka, its shaggy black mane in contrast with its dark brown fur.(Overall excellent description)To the old rider's right hand stood its exact opposite.(redundant. You've already stated that they are opposites. Also, we already know the previous rider is old) A young boy of about Sonya's age (which is? I would recommend specifying that), with shaggy hazelnutcolored(redundant. The context clues already indicate you're describing the hair colour) hair, almost red in its richness. The features of his face were defined and symmetrical, although his mouth was weak and playful.(I find this description to be somewhat lacking, compared to the description of the older rider. Like I said before, clothing and non-verbal actions can say a lot about a person's character. That said, try using those to elaborate.)
Well, he is no Simone Romano (this way, the reader will wonder whom she's talking about. Mystery and suspense are excellent motivators), but I have to admit, he's handsome…Sonya thought to herself.(cut. The italicised text already indicates that this is inner dialogue)The horse which he sat upon/*His horse*/ (keep things concise) also seemed to bear an uncanny resemblance to its rider's spirit. A young and graceful Budyonny, whose fur matched its rider's hair. Sonya couldn't help but notice that its behind was covered by a heavy dark blue blanket.
'That is rather odd…' thought Sonya. 'Horses don't usually go out covered in blankets, and even when they do, the blanket covers most of the horse's back, not its rear. It's almost as if that blanket was placed there to cover something...'(interesting paragraph. Since I don't know much about horses, I found this to be educational)
A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts (liked this twist). Sonya tried her best to forget her silly suspicions and answered it dutifully.
"Oh, Maria, thank God it's you!" The little princess cried in a hushed tone. "Who are these mysterious peasants that are standing outside?"
"I was about to tell you, my dear. They have both traveled from the countryside to see you. I reckon they come in seek of guidance."
"Oh, dear, how does my heart swell up with joy!" Sonya cried, sarcasm dripping from her words. "What will it be this time? A difference of opinion on how to dig up a well to fetch water? More complain/*t*/s about the unusually frigid winter?"
"Sonya! What would your father say if he heard the treacherous things that are coming out of your mouth?"
"I don't know nor do I care." She commented as she walked up to her extensive wardrobe. "Now would you be a doll and help me get into this dress?!"
"But ma'am, don't you think that one is a bit too… festive for such an ordinary affair?"
"Nonsense! If my future subjects are here to see me, I want them to see me at my best. Now 'dress me slow, for I am in a hurry.'"
"Miss Sonya! You know better than to quote that… bezumets!"
"Monsieur Napoleon is not a madman, Maria. He's just… well, you're right, he is mad. But you have to admit, he has come up with quite a catchy saying."(nice reference. It is executed in a way that even those whom don't know whom he is will catch on)
Overall, you have a lot of raw talent; I can see it. However, it needs nurturing. This chapter, in mine opinion, would be so much better if (1) there was more meat on the bone in terms of character depth and events, and (2) it effectively sets up a compelling novel. That said, I think you cut things off way too abruptly.
I would have liked to know more about Sonya. Not too much info, as that kills suspension, but enough info that would connect the readers to the character. A meaningful interaction between Maria and the two riders would undoubtedly enrich the chapter.
Points: 149
Reviews: 99
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