Young Writers Society

Hi Erika!
I reviewed your first chapter yesterday and I must say that I was intrigued to know what followed.
This second chapter was so much better than the first!
I would have written a little more, though. You left me wanting more.
I liked how the characters are developing and the fact that Sonia, our "heroine" is obviously not perfect. Its nice to present flaws in our characters.
Also, maybe you could find different adjectives and not use the same ones as the previous chapter.
Continue writing!
You've caught my attention!
Kindly
Mrs Jennings

Hey again, Erika!

So I'm here again to put in my two cents. Hope they're helpful!

So, it was an interesting transition into a different POV. You did it very smoothly too, I might add. It wasn't distracting at all.

And I enjoyed the banter between Andrei and Ivan. Brought a lot to the characters and sucked me more into the story.

"Andrei!" cried Ivan, his eyes starting to burn with rage. "We did not travel this far just so you could marvel at the way someone painted the ceilings of the royal castle! We came here with only one purpose, and that is to report the reason why you have to permanently cover Ranger's rear with that blanket! Now stand up straight, keep your mouth shut and nod along, alright?"

I thought it was great how angry Ivan was here. Obviously, their reason is pretty serious. I did have two pieces of advice, however. I felt like it was good until the point where he said what the reason was. I understand your point but I felt like it was a little too expositional. Both characters would already know their purpose so it felt like this line was strictly here to let the reader know and therefore, felt slightly out of place.
Also, I would avoid the use of the word, "rear". Rump feels more natural for a horse, I think. But that's a nit pick.

I love the use of the butler here. Although, I must say, I'm still not quite sure what era this is. It seems like a mixture of medieval and Victorian just from the few details I've gotten.

"Said butler then stood beside the staircase, cleared his throat and announced: "All bow to Princess Sonya of Russia!"

So, here I would avoid him telling them to bow. It feels like the pontiff calling for all to rise when the judge enters but with royalty, I feel like all those present in the room would know to bow when a princess enters. I think he would just announce her arrival. Also, who is in this room? And why? It seems like these two men just arrived and everyone is prepared for some trial or something.

"Andrei's heart literally skipped a beat when he saw the princess descend from the wooden stairwell that led to her vast living room. Her misty grey eyes to him were like two perfect spheres which contained a thousand ancient storms. Her soft, pale skin reminded him of the most delicate of iceberg roses. Her blond hair, which was arranged in a flawless bun and adorned with shiny white pearls, only added to her immaculate beauty.

Andrei would never forget the dress that she was wearing that cold spring morning. It had short, puffy sleeves and a long red velvet skirt that gently brushed the carpet at her feet. And right in between her bosoms, a perfectly immaculate white corsage.

But the most impressive thing about her image wasn't her soft complexion, or her luxurious dress. It was the small golden crown that sat on top of her blond head, reflecting the light irradiating from the lamps."

OK, lovely description. Love the visual and the sight of the character. Watch your use of the word "immaculate". It's quite an underused word and therefore very easy to spot and you used it twice very close together.

"Good evening, gentlemen." She greeted them, her voice still childlike and feminine. "I am princess Sonya Bezukhov. It is a pleasure to meet you. I hear you have traveled far to see me."

Ok... I'm still quite confused about how old this princess is. Why would Andrei be so taken with her if she's so childlike?


"The pleasure is all ours, princess." Ivan said with a smile right before gently kissing her gloved hand.

"Please, follow me to the throne room."

So, this is purely based off knowledge of Game of Thrones but would the two men not have been escorted to the throne room and not allowed to greet the princess beforehand? And are there guards present? She doesn't know these men.

The two gentlemen did as they were told.

Andrei watched closely as Sonya sat on a dark mahogany chair which seemed miniscule compared to her father's impotent throne.

Umm the throne was what?

Sonya stood up from her chair with start, shaking her head as if she had recently woken up from a trance. "Oh dear! I'm terribly sorry if I spaced out there. Anyway, as I was saying, the only person capable of turning a lock into ice would be the Snow Queen, and as I'm sure you both know, she does not exist."

I would avoid the use of modern phrases as well. "Spaced out" doesn't seem like something used by ancient royalty.

Interesting cliffhanger! I enjoyed it overall. Keep up the good work.

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.

Overall thoughts

Chapter plot: Wow so the story plot just sky rocketed. You've just introduced a supposedly mythical Snow Queen as the antagonist. I can't wait to see how that turns out. I wonder what she needed from these farmers? You also left it with a great cliff hanger and I was really upset when you left me hanging. Another interesting thing that you put in this chapter was the information about this story being told in Russia. Interesting.

Characters: Okay so an interesting thing that I noticed at the start was that you'd changed from Sonya's point of view to Andrei's point of view. Some how you managed to pull it off in a really natural manner so that I hardly noticed. Normally I abstain for these sort of things, but you pulled it off really well.

It was nice how you put in little character traits for each of the characters through out the chapter, so that they seem more and more like different, individual characters rather than cardboard cut outs. Andrei seems like a nice lad with a bit of an eye for artistic things. His grandfather seems more like the normal mold of a man in that era and is on the grumpy side. Sonya is a bit more immature than I first thought in the first chapter and I'm starting to wonder how old she is. I guess I'll find that out in the later chapters.

Description: Your description in this chapter was great and you had some really beautiful lines like this one

Her misty grey eyes to him were like two perfect spheres which contained a thousand ancient storms.

Her soft, pale skin reminded him of the most delicate of iceberg roses.

This review courtesy of

Hello!

I love the relationship so far with Sonya and Andrei. I can't wait to see how it's going to develop soon in later chapters, and if they'll be working together more.

And yes! A cliffhanger this chapter. Though the chapter was a bit short, I loved the cliffhanger at the end, and I'm very excited to see what these people took. The plot is definitely escalating - I'm guessing they're going to have to bond together and fight the Snow Queen? Or something like that. I can tell this is going to be a good story!

I like how this story takes place in Russia, too, (I suppose I didn't realize that in the previous chapter) it makes it a bit more unique and different than other stories.

So, I'm a bit confused. Is Andrei (lovely name, by the way) the boy Sonya saw from her castle - the one with red hair? If he is, I think it would be nice to clear it up a bit. Just a general description would do - Andrei running his hands through his hair (same color as chapter one) or other sneaky clues to hint that he's the same person. Of course, there's already the fact that they were the people that wanted to see her, but it still seems a little cloudy to me.

Great second chapter, and I'm definitely interesting! Do you think you could tag me once you get the next chapter up? I'd love to read/review it!

~ EternalRain ^-^

Hey, I'm here to leave a quick review.

I generally avoid novel chapters unless the novels have interesting titles, and this one does. I would check a novel chapter to see if it interests me, and if it is considerably good in terms of grammars and punctuation, as well as having moderate exposition, I would read it to the end. This one also meets the requirements. Now, a novel chapter I would review is one that I think can be reviewed; as such, it has to have points at which I would mention.

I like it how the chapter starts with two characters having an exchange. Ivan and Andrei are different characters that give us a nice juxtaposition in their personalities; Ivan with his no-nonsense, conservative view collides with Andrei energetic, vibrant demeanour. There are tiny bits there that are interesting; the comparison of the size of their farm with the palace's room as well as the remark about males appreciating arts (which is kind of ironic, since the painters I know so far are mostly consists of males). All of these set up the tone of the novel.

You describe the princess and her clothing well, and now these things affect Andrei. It makes for an interesting reaction, and gives a message of the authority and the air of superiority the princess emits. The exchange between her and the farmers is interesting, and I suspect she does know about the Snow Queen, and doesn't really think she doesn't exist. I like how she reacts to Andrei's red cheeks, and I think there would be something sparking between them as the story goes on, given her thought:

Oh dear! I would turn down a hundred princes just to get one night alone with this cutie pie!