Untitled Poem 1

One snazzy little review sneaking in here!

I must say, my general impression of this poem is a rather pleasant one. The rhyme scheme and flow is in most places, smooth and lulling. And I can tell you, that is a good trait for a poem. The word use is also rather splendid. I even had to Google attrition (though that isn't necessarily a bad thing).

There are a couple things that break the flow of the poem, though. Those things are lines five and seven.

Line five is a bit too long. It also doesn't really make much sense. it feels like "Gave my life to you and "breathe it all away were two separate lines mushed together. This makes it rather unpleasant. My recommended fix would be to break it in half at "you", placing "breathe it all away" on a new line. I also recommend adding "but you" to the beginning of that snippet.

Line seven on the other hand, is a bit too short. A simple fix for this would be to add just one extra syllable. I recommend changing "come" to "become".

One small nitpick I also picked up: It would make more sense to capitalize the "a" in the final line.

Another thing that could be changed, albeit a completely optional change, is the spacing and division of the poem. There are no specified stanzas. This isn't that big a thing, though separating each main idea into a different stanza could work better. Though, if you do not wish to add stanzas, it would be best to remove the spaces in between each line.

Other than that. A rather nice poem with a healthy flow and nicely articulated content. As always, don't take this too harshly - I'm only here to help. And most importantly, don't forget to keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*

Hi there, Eric. Welcome to YWS.

I like your imagery. It's interesting. Also, it's a relatable theme you've got going on here.
My favorite lines are the first two. It seems so contradictory to dive to the bottom of the ocean to see the stars, but then it makes you think. You can't really see the stars where people live, right? So you'd have to go somewhere secluded and undiscovered to really see them without all the light pollution. What's the last undiscovered place on Earth? the bottom of the ocean. Or perhaps the water acts as a magnifying glass so you can see the stars closer? I don't know. But I really like those lines.

I have one suggestion: punctuation. It seems like the phrases run into each other sometimes (i.e. "Gave my life to you breathe it all away") and they would greatly benefit from commas.

I'd punctuate it like this:

"We swam to the bottom of the ocean,
To gaze upon the stars.
Not a word was spoken
(What's mine is yours is ours).
[I] Gave my life to you: breathe it all away.
Split through the coils of attrition,
Let come what may.
Rest my soul, my weary head;
Time is but a dream
For those who sleep [to] wash away
a far off memory."

The brackets indicate words I've changed or added to make sense. I really like the idea of the parenthasees around that one line, because it sets it apart, like maybe you said it to the other person or something. Feel free to ignore my advice, but I think that it would benefit from being more punctuated like this.

"Let come what may" doesn't sit well with me. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I wish there was more imagery in that line.

Nice job. This was a pleasure to review. Happy writing!

Wow. Hmm. First off, hello! Gummies here.

I thought this was wonderful, if a little confusing. But that's what peer reviewing is for, right? Constructive criticism. Now, to get down to it.

I love the theme you have going, but it's a little too cryptic and messy for my understanding. Your metaphors jump all over the page in a way that takes away from the flow of the poem. To be a bit more detailed, I think it would've helped to split line 5 into two so that it reads:

"Gave my life to you / breathe it all away".

I wish I could give more input, but as it is, poetry is not necessarily my strong suit and I wouldn't want to give you bad advice. But I do hope this was helpful to you! Keep up the good work. Feel free to pm me for anything!

xo gummies.