When I was younger, I was a shy kid who would stay away from the crowds, hiding myself from the rest of the world, afraid to mingle with the others. Perhaps it was because I was afraid people would laugh at me, cruelly pointing at me to single me out and sniggering behind their hands, only shattering my fragile shell of confidence once more.
I was never that confident. My confidence was a brittle cocoon that took months to wind around myself. It was a fragile little thing that would shatter into a billion shards from a single blow. I would be forced to gather the billion tiny shards of my once standing cocoon and slowly and painstakingly, piece it together again with each strike only making it harder and harder to rebuild my confidence.
I dreaded social situations and meeting new people the most. I still do now. I would shake their hands and paint on a false smile, but I would always keep my head down, catching a few quick glimpses of their faces, mostly concentrating on the shape of their faces, their hairstyle, the colour of their hair and the clothes that they wore. Then I would hide, slipping through the gaps between people, longing to escape from the escaping from the suffocating crowds and to search for an oasis where nobody roamed.
Once I was alone, I would try to recall their faces. For a split second, their faces would appear before me, as fresh as a blossoming flower before a thick veil of mist draped itself like a curtain in front of them, concealing them, hiding them from me. With each attempt to remember their faces, the mist grew heavier and heavier until they were finally shrouded from my view. Only the shape of their faces and their hair remained. The mist was victorious once more, making socialising a living hell for me.
“Hi,” the girl said to me as she pulled out the chair to sit next to me as I wrote the date in my maths book.
It was a new school, a fresh start, a chance to make new friends after I’d been forced to move primary schools since I had had to put up with relentless bullying and taunts from my classmates.
Now was a good chance to socialise. I was pretty sure that I knew her name. It was Angel, wasn’t it?
I looked up with a grin on my face, hoping that it wouldn’t happen again.
“Hi, Angel,” I replied, trying to sound as friendly as possible.
She suddenly looked confused and the maths teacher laughed. He’d obviously overheard us.
“That’s Rachel, not Angel,” he laughed light heartedly. My heart sunk and I dropped my head again with my cheeks burning in embarrassment and shame. “But they do look similar, don’t they?”
Bugger. I’d done it again: cocked up another chance to make new friends. Once again, the mist had made everything difficult and stressful.
I can’t picture my mother and father’s faces in my mind. Instead of faces, the mist takes their places, a barrier that prevents me from socialising. I can imagine my mother’s flowing black hair that streams past her shoulders like water off a waterfall, and her long Yugoslavian face but that’s it. I can’t even picture my own face or recognise myself in photos from when I was younger. Once again, the mist invades all faces I try to picture in my mind, capturing them, hiding them from me.
Sometimes it scares me, knowing that I cannot recognise myself from photos from when I was younger, and not being able to imagine the relatives that I have known throughout my entire life’s faces. I know I’m not normal. I never have been and never will be, but all I can do now is live with it.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,585 Reviews
Hey there, GG! Iggy here to review.
Be careful with using the same adverb twice in a row. Instead of using "afraid" the second time, try using a synonym. Remember this with other sentences.
Same here. Either find a unique way to combine those sentences or replace the repeated word.
I think you mean "thick" here.
I've noticed this happens a lot in your work. You seem to repeat the same sentence twice, just with a bit different wording. I suggest you fix this in the future, as it can become very repetitive to read the same thing twice.
Okay. So those are the major nitpicks. Fix those to have a clean and steady flow to your story.
I don't know anything about this Mist (other than the Percy Jackson Mist), so I don't know exactly how accurate your research is. If you didn't do any research at all, definitely make sure you do in the future. Your writing seemed very realistic to me, so that's good.
Overall, it was a nice work to read. Pretty short, but still nice. Good job.
Just keep writing!
~ Iggy.
The "mist" is a brain disorder called prosopagnosia which impairs the ability to recognise faces. I have this brain disorder.
Hi there
Wow. This was really good. I really enjoyed reading it, it was very interesting
I was so impressed by the second paragraph, describing the confidence like a cocoon. The metaphor really gave it something extra, and made something you have heard many times before ( a main character with confidence issues), into something really special and beautiful, and made it that much more relatable.
I really liked the flashback. We get how previous experiences, have gotten the main character to give up in the end. But to me it didn't seem like such a big deal that the main character said the wrong name, so I think it could help the story to write more about why this is so embarrassing for the MC, what makes her think she have messed everything up
The piece about the main character not recognizing herself and her parent was really touching. It was the most interesting part, and I really wish this had a bit more description
The ending was good, but like the other reviewers said, it could use a bit more power. Maybe you could try incorporating the word "mist" into it so the story is tied together by that?
Overall I thougth this was so beautiful and touching, and leaves me wanting more. Amazing job with this, I look forward to reading more from you
Just keep writing
Hi Gooner
I see you posted this in the team's forums, so here to review!
) would be good! The last sentence I think is what I'm most not fond of, I know that yes she has a serious disorder and we feel sorry for her, but I've heard that sentence about normality too many times! Try and change it up a little!
I actually thought this was so cool. Like it's a really cool idea that you've got here, and I really want to read more. It's often hard to show an MC, especially if it's in their perspective, to have a mental disorder/disability, but so far it's done really well here. I agree with the others in saying that you've also added some really good descriptions here!
My first suggestion I want to make is that rather than starting with her speech about not being overly confident, maybe you could start with talking about the mental disorder. And seeing faces as mist and such. Because when I read the beginning I immediately thought to myself 'oh, I've read this before' as many MC's have confidence issues, however if you start with the mist thing I think it could really draw the reader in. If you then go on to talk about the self-confidence stuff, it would really draw the reader in more.
Secondly, I think it needs to end with a BANG. The ending right now is good, but I think it could be placed somewhere else. The ending needs to be something that keeps the reader thinking, something surprising. I know this is a short story so you're probably not continuing this, but even ending on a cliff hanger (although cruel
Finally, I think we need to make your MC a more sympathetic character. What you've got about the confidence is good, but I wanna know more from that anecdote. It's rather short, but because of this disorder she find it hard to make friends, and that's pretty sad right? To make us as the reader feel more sorry for her maybe you could include more about how much of an idiot she feels for making that mistake with the girl. To us, it's not that big a deal, I mean we all get names confused around from time to time, but for her it is and I wanna see that shown a bit more.
Anyhoo, this was a really interesting story idea and please let me know if you ever add more because I'd love to read it. My main critiques are to do with the order of the paragraphs really, and perhaps moving things round to suit the reader. Also, trying to create more of a sympathetic character! As always, I hope this review helped. Feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review.
Just keep writing!
-Arc x
Hey, this was a great read! It flowed well.
However, it does feel like it was the start of something as opposed to a story that stands alone.
I really liked the similes here:
It's beautiful, really
In general, it's a great story but I feel like in certain parts there was a bit of an info dump, while at the same time, I feel like some important details have been ommitted. We don't really understand why she can't remember these people's faces, what in her life happened that triggered this/ whether it was genetic. It's not something you need to say a lot about, a sentence or so should be sufficient... maybe a flashback at a doctor's office.
Maybe because not a lot of things become clear and because there is not much conflict, this doesn't really read like a short story but like the start of a novel. It's up to you to do what you like with it though
Hey, I really liked reading this. It was simple yet affective. I like the imagery you've used here. describing the girl's confidence as a cocoon. That was something new and also made it easier to understand her. I like how you started off by introducing the problem she was facing. The socialising problem, yeah, I've had that too. Still have it though, oops! =P
I thank you for being able to describe the feelings so accurately. It really does feel this way when shyness takes over, how you blurt out things that you never intend to, how you say things that end up making you a laughing stalk. It's really nice the way you gave an example, it seems to me, about how it is like for the girl while meeting new people, how she reacts, the classroom part.
I really liked your narration here, again, it is simple but it was never boring or anything. It caught my attention so fast, I really enjoyed reading this. I can relate to the girl a lot. Keep writing. =]
Woah! Are you me or something? Seriously though, that first part about lack of a confidence hits home for me. I dealt with something similar when I was younger.
This is great. Not sure what it's about though? Some sort of memory disorder? Creepy mist that steals people's faces? Aliens?
Whatever it is, it's slightly spooky. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but that's what I felt. It seems relatively normal until the subject of the story starts saying they can't recall their own face, let alone their parents!
I do wish you had told us what it was that made this poor person forget everything though. Maybe it's blatantly obvious and I'm an idiot, but it seems rather vague. Although I suppose that could have been your goal! Those are just my thoughts, anyway. Please continue writing!
Hello, TheGoonerGirl!
GriffinClaw, here to review your beautiful piece!
First off, I really enjoyed your piece. I like your writing style and your descriptions. Is this going to be continued? I hope it will be, it is very interesting and pulled me right in.
I'm going to get through my little nit-picks and grammatical errors first.
Spoiler
I felt overwhelmed by this first paragraph. It contained only two sentences, with a surplus of commas. It may be easier for the reader if you split the sentences into shorter chunks. Also, the word "afraid" was used twice in a row, which sounded odd, so perhaps find a synonym to replace on of them.
For example,
My only comment about the second paragraph is the overuse of the words "confident" or "confidence". Find synonyms, and/or remove the "rebuild my confidence" at the end and replace it with "rebuild it".
I liked this sentence, but it seemed very long and confusing. Especially the "escape from the escaping from the..." was hard to follow. Again, shorter chunks.
Fourth paragraph, the double use of the word "faces". Use the word "features" or another synonym, perhaps? Also, you seem to use the word "socialising" repeatedly throughout the story. Don't use the same words too many times, they start to lose their meaning.
I actually really liked the flash back. I am sure everyone can relate with confusing someone for another person.
In the last two paragraphs, you switched from past tense to present tense, which confused me. Have it either/or.
Again, overuse of words like "faces", "socializing", and "recognize" in the last two paragraphs. I did enjoy the description of being unable to describe things, which was unique.
This had a bland ending. It needed more...poetic-ness, if you know what I mean. It sort of sounded like the character gave up and therefore ended the story abruptly. A story with a good hook needs to have an even better ending, leaving the reader disappointed that there isn't more.
Some praise;
1) I loved the second paragraph and the metaphor of comparing your confidence to a cocoon, shattered easily. I really enjoyed it, and think it was well written. A lot of people can relate with that feeling of frail confidence. Good job depicting it.
2) Interesting story idea. The character sounded real, real enough for me to wonder if they are. Is the mist an actual mental problem that exists? Do you know someone who has it or have it yourself? Very good, you always want readers asking questions like these.
3) Are you going to write more? I would definitely read this if it turned into more than this short story. Though it stopped abruptly, I think you could expand greatly on this work, and make it a beautiful piece of art.
These are all simply suggestions, of course. You do not have to do anything I am saying, but it may help improve your piece.
Great job, continue writing and being creative!
~GC