Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Shira gritted her teeth and clenched her fists. The icy wind whipped at her face, sending her short, charcoal black hair into her eyes and slicing through her clothes, chilling her to the bone. Tears burned at her eyes, clouding her vision (no one cares. No one gives a shit) and causing the dark colours of the park to mingle with one another until they became indistinguishable.
Why am I here?
Shira knuckled away the tears before they could gather and fall, the rough motion painfully (pain is good. Serves you right after the hurt you wrecked…) digging into her eyes. Nevertheless, Shira kept her face taut and emotionless. Behind closed eyelids, the face of her closest friend dissolved from the darkness; (I am disappointed in you, Shira) his long and high cheek-boned forming from nothingness.
Hey, hey, Shira, remember all those times you humiliated him? Made him feel ashamed and like shit?
It was becoming harder and harder to keep her face straight (all I’ve ever done is hurt that boy) as the tears streamed down her cheeks. They fell from her face, quick and silent before landing in the snow and disappearing, never to be seen again. Never leaving a trace, just she had always done; no matter how hard she worked, no matter how much she wrote. She would never be good enough to leave her mark behind. (I’m worthless, I’m worthless, I’m worthless…)
“Levi, I’m sorry,” Shira forced the words from her mouth through the sobs that racked her body. (Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep hurting him?) “I never meant a word I said.”
Tears were streaked down Levi’s cheeks, shining in the soft golden sunshine that clambered in through a window from behind. His facial expression was of one that Shira could not decipher.
“You have no idea how much your words hurt me,” Levi’s voice was stripped of all traces of emotion, with his eyes averted to floor. He sat with his hands clasped in his lap, his back hunched as if to shield himself from Shira.
“I’m sorry,” they seemed to be the only words that Shira could utter. Her throat was beginning to close up, cutting off her larynx from the hurried and jumbled messages that her mind was trying to send. (please, I’m sorry.) “I didn’t mean it…”
Levi suddenly stood up, drawing to his full height, his fists clenched and lips pulled back in a snarl. It had never occurred to Shira just how tall he was until now. Shira could feel her eyes widening (oh shit, oh shit, oh shit) with fear. Levi’s anger never failed to scare her, to leave her wanting to run…
“H-how dare you do this to me?” Levi’s penetrating gaze seared into Shira’s flesh, “Who do you think you are?”
A sob burst from Shira’s lips, the sound somehow alien and unfamiliar and deafening in the lonely silence. The weeps forced her to double over in the velvety darkness of the night. (I’m a monster.) The guilt and deep shame of hurting Levi and reducing him to tears.
The wind howled past her hearing aids, sending crackling sounds into her ears, forever reminding Shira of her crippling disability.
“Levi, you seem to be angry,” Shira frowned, standing beside Levi as she watched him eat his lunch in the school canteen. At hearing her words, he paused and carefully placed his fork on his tray before slowly
“No fucking shit,” Shira could hear the anger outlined in his voice, the slight aggressive tone highlighted in each resentful word. “Emilia told me: you cut. Without even telling me.”
Shira froze as she registered the words. (Why did Emilia do this to me? I thought I could trust her…) A numbing sensation spread through her body, slowly paralysing each limb, rendering it useless and rooting her to the spot.
“That doesn’t matter now since we can always discuss this after school: why you didn’t tell me that you cut,” Levi’s words hit Shira like an icy wave. “But I don’t want to waste your precious studying time so why don’t you just run along now since studying is your first priority?”
The words were almost a sharp slap to her face, (who the hell does he think he is?) bringing Shira back to her senses. She slowly turned to walk away, heading towards the canteen door, leaving Levi to finish eating. The tears had begun already, slipping out from the corners of her eyes and sliding down her cheeks. (He has no idea…)
Shira paused in her steps, glancing back at Levi. He hadn’t moved an inch from the table nor had he stopped eating. Shira could feel the anger rising (I’ll make him understand) and it was all she could do to not lash out. She had to tell him.
Levi looked up when Shira’s shadow fell across his plate.
“You say that I put my studying first?” Shira clenched her fists, feeling the sharp pain as her nails dug into the soft flesh of her palms. (Pain is good, pain is good, pain is good…) She could see a look of slight surprise in Levi’s eyes. “Well, you have no idea what it is like to be deaf and to attend a mainstream school where you receive no fundamental support for your disability. I have to study to catch up on stuff that I’ve missed, stuff that only my hearing classmates could hear. I have no goddamn choice but to study if I want to gain average grades in class.”
Shira turned to leave but halted in her tracks once more.
“The reason I cut was out of anger and guilt,” Shira whispered, loud enough for only Levi to hear. “And I didn’t tell you because I was afraid of hurting you if you found out.”
“But why?” Levi pleaded, “Why do you do this to yourself? What angered you and made you feel guilty?”
The words seemed to freeze in Shira’s throat, (I don’t know how to word my emotions) a blockage. She swallowed upon meeting Levi’s expectant gaze.
“A-all I’ve ever done is hurt people around me,” Shira mumbled, “Those closest to me…I lash out at them, I hurt them. I’m sorry. All I’ve ever done is hurt you--”
“It hurts more if you keep it from me,” Levi’s gaze had hardened, his voice stiff with anger. “Then I don’t know if I can trust you.”
It felt as if she had been punched in the stomach, leaving her breathless and winded. (He doesn’t trust me?) Her mind was lost for words.
“W-why?” whispered Shira, the shock an icy cold wave that had hit her and swallowed her whole.
“Because you never tell me anything!” Levi snapped, “How am I supposed to know when you’ve cut? How am I supposed to know what’s going on if you never tell me anything?”
Shira gritted her teeth. She could feel her anger boiling and bubbling over.
“You never trust me!” Shira yelled. The volume of her voice was intensified with fury. She watched as Levi’s eyes widened with shock and surprise. “You and Emilia have never trusted me!”
It was only when Shira realised that she had caught the attention of everyone in the vicinity, she stopped. She could feel their gazes burning into her. With her vision blurred by tears, Shira turned and ran towards the exit, Levi’s frantic calls following after her.
Shira’s sobs abruptly stopped upon remembering the memory. (I’m sick of this world, I’m sick of always being distrusted…) She could feel sadness and anger slowly replacing the guilt. (I’m nothing but a disappointment.)
I’m disappointed in you, Shira. Levi’s words echoed in her mind, reminding her of the shameful actions (all I’ve ever done is cause pain and agony to people around me) she’d done.
You’ve never hurt me, Shira. You never have done.
She rubbed away the tears with the back of her tightly clenched fist. Shira knew that she would always be fighting a war, a never ending war of self-conflict and emotions.
I have, Levi. I will always hurt you no matter what.
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140,411 Literary Works • 673,175 Reviews
i think that the descriptions were really good, a reader can totally understand Shira's emotions here. the thoughts and flashbacks helped along, so overall VERY good writing but i didn't like the story line. there was a lot that you could have done with all the feeling and thoughts described in the first few paragraphs. so i was kind of disappointed with the cutting and studying etc etc
Wow. Just...wow. In a good way, of course.
You do an excellent job of pulling the reader along with Shira's own emotional roller coaster. My own thoughts fluctuated with hers, and it really helped pull me into the story.
Also I really liked the way you inserted the narrative in the paragraphs; it made it seem sort of surreal, just like the thinking process of someone in the current mental state of your main character.
There are a very grammar mistakes and awkward phrasing every now and then, but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a quick edit. Hardly anything to worry yourself about, you did a good job.
Very well done, overall.
This was really emotional, it made me feel for Shira. There are just a few things I want to point out.
1) After the 6th(?) paragraph it goes into a flashback. At first I was confused and didn't really know what was going on until a little while into the memory. You should somehow make it slightly more obvious that she is thinking of what happened moments prior to the beginning of the story. Just make the transition known.
2) Personally I think Shira's thoughts, the ones that are in parenthesis, should be at the end of the sentence they are in. Most of them are in good places, but certain ones should be moved. This is because, to me, her thoughts are like a period and suddenly picking up the sentence after them seemed to throw off the reader and the rhythm of the story.
Examples:
"The words seemed to freeze in Shira’s throat, (I don’t know how to word my emotions) a blockage. She swallowed upon meeting Levi’s expectant gaze."
and
"I’m disappointed in you, Shira. Levi’s words echoed in her mind, reminding her of the shameful actions (all I’ve ever done is cause pain and agony to people around me) she’d done."
3) You did not exactly pointing out who Levi is (by this I mean their relationship: brother, friend, boyfriend, etc.) and I was fine with that because it is obvious that he is someone important to Shira and a little darkness is good for a story. My problem is, who is Emilia? I feel like you kind of just threw her in there. I mean, is Emilia less important to Shira than Levi is and that's why she told Emilia her deepest secret or vise versa? You should give a little background on her if possible.
That's all I wanted to say. Other than those three thing the story is really nice and well written. Keep up the good work.
Shira gritted her teeth and clenched her fists. The icy wind whipped at her face, sending her short, charcoal black hair into her eyes and SLICING**** through her clothes, chilling her to the bone.
Why am I here?
Overall very nice, although I found some of it a bit repetitive. You told me that Shira was crying at least four times. I loved how you incorporated jigs and jags of her thoughts into the story, as if they came intrusively. Awesome. Keep writing, dude.
Hello EnigmaticSpirit, I'm Genesis and I'll be your reviewer today!
First off, the emotion and conflict is astounding. I actually felt as if you may have been writing from experience during this. You capture the conflict of Self-Conflict well, and it describes some of the reasons why people cut themselves in real life. One of the things I didn't really like was the fact you give no details for the story, what the characters look like? where are they eating at in the story? while to many details drags out a story and thus the feeling in the story, I would have liked a little more in the way of details. Next something I don't like that I feel could have helped the story, the character names, I feel you should have given the characters something like Joe Bob or Mary. As it could have helped the reader relate a little more and put themselves in the characters posistions. Grammar and Spelling check out, this has been your review, and I'm Genesis.