A lone tree stood amidst a never ending field of grass, its naked branches stretching out against the rapidly darkening skies. An over looming shadow fell across the fields, adding to the element of darkness.
The insects above the surface of the soil began to evacuate themselves deep into the ground and into theirs burrows and nests once more, for the air had become tense and seemed to crackle as if it were alive this very moment. The insects knew the rain was the harbinger of floods, as it poured down in merciless torrents. The floods would wash them away, pulling them underneath when their deft fingers caught hold of them and drowning them if they did not start reaching for safety now.
The grass in the fields continued to sway as if unfazed by the anger of the storm, oblivious to the danger that was ahead. The storm clouds let out a war cry, the incredible sound shaking through the ground, an almost deafening bellow of anger. It was getting ready to strike, a deadly blow that could kill any nearby creatures.
Rain began to fall in heavy drops, exploding against the blades of grass, sending more droplets everywhere and soaking the smaller flowers that the grass shielded. The rain drummed against the earth, playing as the war drums and singing with the thunder, a harmony of nature.
The thunder clouds crackled, with white electricity fizzling through the stormy grey. The storm was raising its sword, ready to strike and attack. The tree stood where it was, a vulnerable victim held fast by its roots with its limbs held against the sky as if it were pleading the storm clouds for mercy.
Then the lightening struck.
The white sword of electricity the storm had been holding arced down, slicing against the defenceless tree, its anger, fury and hatred pinpointed on the pitiful thing.
For a split second there was a dazzling white explosion as the electricity tore its way through the tree before it exploded. Splinters of bark flew in all directions, never to be seen again. A fiery orange began to spread throughout the tree’s blackened limbs, claiming what was left of its leaves and eating away at its body. The storm clouds seemed to take pity on the dying and archaic creature and at last decided to let it rest in peace.
The rain began to fall in fatter drops that shattered against the tree’s charcoal trunk and feeble limbs. What had once been proud and ancient oak tree was now reduced to a shivering blackened wreck. As the savaging fire began to diminish, the rain lessened and the sound of the once thunderous war drums quietened with each smaller raindrop. Then as quickly as it had started, it finished.
The rain stopped, the war drums no longer beating with anticipation. The grey storm clouds began to retreat in all directions and holes began to thread their ways through the dark skies, letting in the golden streams of sunlight through. It was a heavenly sight, as though God had opened up the skies and was guiding lost souls through brightly lit pathways to Heaven.
Slowly and gradually, the insects and animals began to come out from their safe little burrows and scampered on the surface, once more searching for food or to find a mate. The honeybees resumed their jobs, filling the air with the familiar buzzing sounds of their wings. The birds began to sing, their calls sweet and sharp.
The blackened tree stood where it was in front of this sacred image. This creature that had once been so aloof and full of pride was now a dark and twisted wreck that was no longer living, the remains of an impressive and ancient oak tree.
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140,411 Literary Works • 673,175 Reviews
Hey GoonerGirl, I'm currently on a mission to get some final reviews done for this Review Day, and through said process I have stumbled upon the little story you have here.
You do have some lovely reviews already so I can't promise you that I'll be of great help, but I'll try my best to aid you when it comes to improving what you have here. I won't bother with nit-picks because they're all things you can spot yourself if you read through this with precision, plus they're rather time consuming! Instead I'll give you my overall opinion in detail by beginning with noting what I like about your story, and then I'll delve into the grittier stuff and get started with critiques and suggestions for you to improve this.
So after reading your piece, I have to admit that I think I'm going to struggle for critiques here. I actually think it's really pretty awesome, and your imagery makes me so impossibly jealous I cannot explain to you! I am absolutely terrible at creating effective imagery, so seeing you do it with such skill and ease is definitely admirable. Something else I found really great about this is the simplicity of it. You hardly have a massive, detailed plot at all, but it works so well. Such a simple plot really emphasises the strength of your imagery, and I think that it all works really well in your favour. In terms of grammar and punctuation, you've done a very good job overall, and there were no major issues that really stood out to me. Well done!
Now when it comes to critiques, there is something I want to bring up that's more of a suggestion really than a full blown critique. Basically, I noticed that your sentences tend to feel somewhat monotonous. All of the sentences are around the same length and pace, and while there are some effective exceptions, I do think you can step it up a gear. I have a feeling another reviewer spotted this, but I'd recommend varying your sentences a bit by adding in some shorter ones. Here's an example from your writing of what I mean when it comes to having sentences similar in length and tone:
I'd suggest you read that aloud. While there's nothing really technically wrong with it, do you see how it sounds a bit samey and monotonous? All three sentences have quite a lot of syllables in them, and they have around the same amount of syllables at that. As a result, the pace of the paragraph is pretty repetitive and samey. Varying your sentences would be especially effective during the scene where the storm is actually happening because let's face it, a storm is a very manic occurrence. In order to portray that mania effectively in fiction, you have to really use all of the techniques possible. Don't just use imagery, portray the mania in the way the piece itself is structured. Don't be afraid to go all out, basically.
Now admittedly, that probably isn't the best edit for an example, but do you see how the sentence structure int he example I just showed you is a lot more varied than your original paragraph? In the end, this is primarily personal taste and you might be looking at me right now like a right idiot because you completely disagree. That's completely fine, but even if you do entirely disagree, I do think that you should at least think about it and consider it. Try it out and if you find that it just really doesn't work for you, just edit it back to what it was before.
On a similar note, another grammar and punctuation related issue that I noticed was that you used lots of long sentences, as I mentioned in my previous critique. As well as that causing problems such as a monotonous mood, they can sometimes be technically incorrect. Long sentences can bog down a piece sometimes, especially when there are a lot of commas involved in those long sentences because said commas can end up distracting your readers quite a lot. Distracting your readers is something you definitely don't want to do because it draws their attention away from your story, and that kind of thing can cause them to potentially lose interest in said story. This certainly isn't a major issue, but it is something I noticed, so I would bear it in mind if I were you.
The next thing I'm going to mention is another suggestion rather than a hardcore critique, and that is based around your imagery. Now as I'm sure you can tell, I think your imagery is fantastic overall, but I think you can make it even better in some areas. Specifically, I think that you should take advantage of some darker imagery, especially towards the very end of this piece. That way, the piece will end with some real impact. Something I think you could especially take advantage of is emotive language. Don't be afraid to go all out with dark adjectives, for example, even if you feel that it's verging on melodramatic. You can also cut down once you're done with it, so I would suggest you think about it.
And I believe that's this review done!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey, GoonerGirl! Here to review your story
Wow. Beautiful! Seriously, your imagery is absolutely fantastic, a articular strong point of this piece. I love your use of metaphors, and they were quite interesting metaphors at that. The techniques you used were generally really good, and this was such a lovely read!
Okay, so one thing I wanted to mention is when the fire started, I really wanted to see a change of pace. I mean up until that bit you used rather long sentences with had really nice imagery, everything seems really tranquil and peaceful. When the fire starts and everything goes downhill, I think it would've been nice to see the story change up a bit. And by that I mean faster, shorter sentences. Maybe less pretty language and something much darker, to show what is really going on.
Overall, I thought it was really lovely. You've got great skill at describing things and it really worked well with a piece like this. Just remember that if the whole piece is constantly like that, it can get a bit boring, so try and mix it up a little. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
This was really great! Very descriptive. Lovely similes and metaphors. It worked really well, i really got a feeling and sense of a storm from it. It was, I suppose you could say, a sad end, at least for the tree. Work well done if you can make a reader feel something for a plant.
Io improve: In the middle just some words are overused I think.
This section
"The white sword of electricity the storm had been holding arced down, slicing against the defenseless tree, its anger, fury and hatred pinpointed on the pitiful thing.
For a split second there was a dazzling white explosion as the electricity tore its way
through... "
firstly I would omit the second word "white" you don't really need it and its repeating the same adjective within a small period of time.
Also you use the word explosion or explode too much. Thesaurus or think of a different way to describe.
"exploding against the blades of grass" I love this line, keep the exploding there, don't change it.
"For a split second there was a dazzling white explosion as the electricity tore its way through the tree before it exploded." Too many explosions in this sentence which turns it into a tongue twister. I think you should say something along the lines of this----
"For a split second there was a dazzling bright burst as the electricity tore its way through the tree." ---got rid of the unnecessary part at the end and changed the word exploding to burst so that the grass metaphor retains its impact. Conveys the same message.
Good job, once again, love it.
Wow, that was amazing. Your descriptions were fantastic and you never tried to overload my scenes, you left somethings up to the imagination.
My only complaint about this work was the title, the title is called The Coming Storm, which would imply that the storm is approaching. Your story is about a storm that is already happening and has ended by the time the story is over. When coming into this, people are going to expect preparation for the storm, even building the storm to be bigger than life, not what is happening in the storm.
That being said, if all I can find to critique you on is your title, then you know you are doing something right. I loved your story and how it all flowed together. Keep writing, I would love to read more!
I love this story
it has a lot of description and I felt like I was there, watching the rain and destruction I the tree.
Keep on writing?
Sarah
The only thing that I have to pick on is:
" The floods would wash them away, pulling them underneath when their deft fingers caught hold of them and drowning them if they did not start reaching for safety now."
There were a lot of "them"s in there and it sounded strange to me. I was a little confused.
Other than that, you did a wonderful job
Thank you!
How did I not spot the too many thems in the first place?!?!