Okay I wrote this whole thing out and then it got deleted so this is from memory so it may not be as good.
(By the way this is not influenced by Twilight so don't say I have flaws in my vampire characters because they don't have the attributes that Twilight vampires do. Also it is very short I know.)
CORRECTED
Dominic's eyes were crisp and black.They had a sinister glint in them, only focused on the task at hand. His hair was jet black and unruly, falling into his face as he ran through the dark forest. He followed his instincts, ducking below overhanging branches that were like barricades stopping him from getting to where he wanted to go. He sniffed the air and the unmistakable smell of perfume reached his nose. He chased after the smell, knowing that this person would quench the thirst that burned his throat like fire.
Dominic launched himself onto the figure, taking pleasure in her screams of pain as his razor sharp fangs pierced her skin like needles.
A scarlet blood covered the front of his shirt, staining the material. He watched as her skin lost its colour and her eyes turned blank and staring. He knew then that he had drained all the life out of her.
He stood up and wiped his mouth, he searched the area for sounds of movement. None. They must still be oblivious to her departure from the group.
The pile of dirt grew higher as he dug the grave. He covered her body carefully they must not find out about his midnight snack.
His face was flushed with the warmth of the blood that now pulsed through his veins with every beat of his heart. He took one last fleeting glance at the body of the girl and without a hint of remorse he muttered "Dominic, you have really out done yourself" He said to himself.
Dominic turned away from his victim, speeding into a run.
The spidery branches scratched his face and arms, as he reached the clearing he saw the dark shadows of vampires.
"SHOW YOURSELVES!" he yelled, creating a loud echo throughout the forest, the blood making him feel powerful.He smiled grimly as several glowing eyes turned their attention on him."Show your findings" he said in a calm and stern voice as the vampires dropped their possessions at his feet. He snarled as looked through them."THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" The vampires winced "Now I don't know much about her; except that we have to find her I don't care how but it has to be soon. Torture information out of them if you must. Our snacks are now more valuable than ever if you want to find Abigail."
Dominic roared at them as they scattered into the bushes, their muscles burning with the strain of the search. Silently fuming with rage he watched their careless movements through the bush. He wouldn't be surprised if they were hunted down by other beasts within minutes.
Dominic paced back and forth, the mossy undergrowth of the forest cushioning his raw feet, a flame of white pain moved down his back as he fell to the ground his head pounding as the images started, revisiting his history.
"Abigail" he whispered as he saw her dark shape coming towards him. "I have so much to tell you..." his sentence trailed off as Abigail tore into his skin stopping herself just in time to let Dominic feel the pain that pulsed his veins as the vampire venom took hold. The last thing he noticed was her dark black hair swishing as she walked away, ear drum crushing screams following little did he know that it was him speaking the pain that she had took upon him.
As he woke from his trance a pale light had started to slip between the trees. Dawn. Abigail must be searching my mind He thought, as only Abigail could conduct such painful memories to reveal themselves. Quickly he found some shelter under a log and sat thinking over attack plans that could work to get the information he needed to find, what he had been searching for all these years, the one who had inflicted this ongoing nightmare upon them.
Abigail.
End of chapter
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139,618 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
Pure talent!
But it's too late for that now. I LOVE the title, it's really grabbing and cool!
'His eyes were black and crisp...' (Shiver) It sends chills down my spine.
Argh... TO MUCH TALENT!!!
You're an artist, a writer and a great friend! I wish I was still in the same class as you cos then you could tell me how to write like you can.
When I read the stories you write it sound like your an adult and a brilliant author!
Sorry i'm really bad at writing reviews!
I'll miss you bebe!
Hey SweetMoments! When you finish this novel you should use it for WOT billions. You're such a good writer! Keep writing!
Hey there Sweet,
I find the repetition of eyes very eye-catching here. Maybe rearrange the sentence a little. Maybe something like, "His crisp black eyes held a sinister glint in them as they focused on the task at hand." Something like that...Here as requested; very sorry for the delay!
The other nitpicks were already mentioned. So, my opinions of the story.
I found myself rather confused. Maybe the suspense wasn't thick enough. That might have something to do with the fact that you do a lot of telling, not showing. I'm linking a great thread you might like to read. topic41426.html
I think it's a good, intriguing beginning. Maybe give us a little more detail, more showing, and tighten your suspense a bit and it'll be a winner.
Sorry I couldn't be more help but you got many excellent reviews already.
Tanya
Thanks everyone for the reveiws! The next chapter is up if you are interested
WOW. You're a great writer!
Sorry BEBE... I hate stories about vampires, but not this one!
Sorry, i'm no good at writing reviews!LOL
You're a good writer!
There were a few basic mistakes in this chapter that other people pointed out butthose were really basic things
that you don't need to worry about to much had great use of description and almost every would was described
to it's best ability. You used punction to influence the readers thoughts on the peice of writing and you had an
amazing theme even though vampire's are quite a commen story theme I think you did a great job of it and you
made it interesting and individual. I like the way you told the reader how the vampire felt deep pain because
normaly people think of vampire's as indestructable and they don't think of the pain a vampire might go through.
Anyway I think this is amazing and it really captured me!!Keep writing I can't wait to hear the next chapter!!
_From Me______
=) CuteJackRussell =)
Alright, so I feel a bit lost. I get that Abigail sired him, but why the strange painful flash of memories? It seemed like some kind of magic, because normal memories don’t cause white hot pain. And I don’t really get why he wants to find her so badly. But maybe that will be explained in time.
Please reread this, because there are tons of punctuation errors, mostly a lack of commas. It makes this a little hard to read.
More description is needed, also. I have no idea what anyone looks like, what kind of forest this is, what time of day it is, or anything. You really need to describe.
I hope I helped, if you have any questions or anything, send me a PM
~blacksheep
Hey! I've read your story and I could say it was awesome!. You had good description,dialogues and suspense. You even had a good background of your character! The only problem were your minor mistakes like punctuation and spelling. Anyway overall, it was a good work keep it up!
Hey there, Hawk here to review!
This is very clichéd. "Cold and steel-black"..."merciless glint"...definitely things I've heard and read several times before. Add some newness to the story; come up with descriptions that aren't so well-used.
Not a real word.
Very awkward wording here. You need some kind of a pause between the branches and the description of them acting like barricades. Here's a suggestion: "He followed his instincts, ducking below overhanging branches that acted like barricades, trying to stop him from reaching his goal."
This is a run-on sentence; read it aloud. Hopefully you can hear the spots where you naturally pause. To rewrite, it should be something like: "He sniffed the air; the unmistakable smell of perfume reached his nose. He chased after the smell, knowing that she would quench the burning thirst in this throat." Don't underestimate those commas! And according to the dictionary, a "quince" is a type of fruit; I'm thinking you're meaning "quench."
"Pranced" brings to mind a very delicate, giddy type of dance. "Pounced" works much better.
The only what left? His last clean shirt? That's what I'm thinking. You need to specify.
As you can see here, there are quite a few punctuation issues. And the infamous "your vs. you're" and "their vs. they're vs. there" issue; check out this link for the "your" issue, and for the "their," just remember that "their" is possessive, "they're" is a contraction of "they are," and "there" is placement. Also, try not to capitalize so much, it tends to devalue your work.
Okay, that's all I'm going to nitpick on. Overall, I think it really needs some cleaning up, grammar-wise. As for the story itself, I think it's all right -- but you definitely could use some more character development and details. It's a tricky thing telling people to add more details, because I don't want you to go over the top with an info dump that the reader has to slog through, but I also don't want it to just be bare bones, where I don't have much to picture and it feels like it's moving along super fast without giving the reader any time to stop and breathe. Give us a little more insight from Dominic, as he's the main character here; what's he feeling, thinking, sensing, and show us, don't tell it to us.
Well, I'm going to stop here since it's late and I'm tired. I know this seems like I'm really coming down hard on you, but I'm just pointing out everything that I noticed, and it's nothing personal. I do this all the time to other people and even my own work. Hopefully this helps, and please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:
Okay, the corrections I'm going to make are bolded. By the way this is pretty good, and what makes them even better is that they aren't based on Twilight. So kudos.
Can't wait to read more
His eyes were cold and black like steel. A merciless glint in his eyes masked (can a glint 'mask' a face? Maybe 'destracted from') his face. His hair was jet black and unrulely (unruly, take out the 'el') falling into his eyes as he ran through the dark forest. He followed his instincts (comma) ducking below overhanging branches like (maybe use the term 'that were') barricades stopping him from getting to where he wanted to go. He sniffed the air (and) the unmistakable smell of perfume reached his nose, he chased after the smell knowing that this person would quince (quench) the thirst that burned his throat like fire.
He pranced (prance doesn't seem very threatening, a different verb might be needed) onto the figure taking pleasure in her screams of pain as his razor sharp fangs pierced her skin like needles.
A scarlet stain covered the front of his shirt staining the only one left. (Maybe replace 'one' with 'shirt' so that it is a little less confusing?) He dug a hole with incredible speed and agility to bury the dead girl in. His face was flushed with the warmth of the blood that now pulsed through his veins with every beat of his heart. He took one last fleeting glance at the body of the girl and without a hint of remorse he muttered "Dominic, you have really out done yourself" Dominic turned away from his victim (comma) speeding into a run. (I think this can all be moved up into the preceeding paragraph for smoothness. Also, if he is a vampire than why does he care about burying her body? And is he speaking about himself? That part was a little confusing.)
The spidery branches scratched his face and arms, as he reached the clearing he saw the dark shadows of vampires.
"SHOW YOURSELVES!" He yelled creating a loud echo throughout the forest, the blood making him feel powerful.
He smiled grimly as several glowing eyes turned they're attention on him. (Connect this to the previous paragraph) (This should be included in the last paragraph too, so we don't think this is another vampire speaking) "Show you're findings" He said in a calm and stern voice as the vampires dropped they're possessions at his feet. He snarled as looked through them."THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" The vampires winced "Now I don't know much about her except that we have to find her (comma) I don't care how as long as (long as?) it is soon. Torture information out of them is you must. Our snacks are now more valuable than ever if you want to find Abigail(period)"
They scattered into the bushes they're muscles burning with the strain of the search.
Dominic paced back and forth (comma) the mossy undergrowth of the forest cushioning his raw feet, a flame of white pain moved down his back as he fell to the ground his head pounding as the images started.
"Abigail" He whispered as he saw her dark shape coming towards him. "I have so much to tell you..." His sentence trailed off as Abigail tore into his skin stopping herself just in time to let Dominic feel the pain that pulsed his veins as the vampire venom took hold. The last thing he noticed was her dark black hair swishing as she walked away, ear drum crushing screams following little did he know that it was him speaking the pain that she had took upon him. (Was this before he was a vampire? Did Abigail make him a vampire?)
As he woke from his trance a pale light had started to slip between the trees. Dawn. Quickly he found some shelter under a log and sat thinking over attack plans that could work to get the information he needed to find, what he had been searching for all these years, the one who had inflicted this ongoing nightmare on (maybe use 'upon') them. (make this a paragraph unto itself for drama?) Abigail.
This is really very good, I like the imagery and sensory details.
Very well written. I just wish there was more detail on what happen between the two characters. Maybe more detail on how the main character got in his situation. I guess that why some brilliant person invented the use of having more chapters to a story and the anticipation of waiting. Can't wait for more!