Despite the grease and overall cloudiness of the windows, the sunlight pierced through the glass to illuminate the airship’s plain insides. As a result, the cylindrical light bulbs hung unlit. The occasional creak was the only reminder that they were there.
The wooden seats were much like the pews of a church, both in appearance and placement. Unsurprisingly, there weren’t many occupants. Abel was the only one his row. The skyline’s usual customers were students, and kids from all schools had probably made plans to hang out with their partners. He lifted his head, stretching his wrist the other way, and swept his gaze over the airship. There were several students in unfamiliar uniforms. The elderly gentleman and his lady sat at the front, on the right side. A man snoring in the back. No one to talk to. Nothing to do.
Abel sighed for what seemed to be the tenth time that ride. Two more stations to go.
Luckily, they were past the tourist spots. That meant few passengers getting on and off each time. The flat, sprawling stores had long since been replaced with towering apartments and dour, cubical houses built on top of each other. That, along with the hills, made it so that the skyline no longer flew above the structures.
Dangerous? Maybe so. But those cramped compartments were the only way to house Siren’s ever-increasing population, and flying any higher might interfere with commercial airlines.
Time dragged on. At the next station, the couple at the front and all the students got off. Abel saw the ticket-master poke his head out the door, presumably checking for potential passengers, before pulling a lever to slam them shut. Several minutes later, the airship drifted to a stop at Abel’s destination. Shuffling off the hard seat and to the front exit, he shimmied down the ladder and jumped to the ground on the second-to-last rung.
His feet met dirt. The cobblestone discontinued a while after leaving the city’s center. He slipped into one of the many alleyways between the stacked buildings and trudged along the shadowed trail. No one really used the main streets here, unless you had a ground vehicle. Cutting straight through the swath of apartments led Abel to a small plaza, where he took a right turn into a slightly wider alley.
Unfortunately, the left wall belonged to the local workshop, which seemed to be in the middle of something. The narrow window a foot above Abel’s head was wide open, releasing sweat and oil that had been brewing inside to the world. He regulated his breathing to shallow breaths through his mouth. However, the heat and clanking noises could not be blocked. That must have been one huge dent they were beating out.
Abel ran the rest of the alley, eager to get out. He nearly tripped over a protruding rock in the darkness, but didn’t let that nor the upcoming stairs slow him down. Taking the steps two at a time, the path soon led to a steel fence. Abel pressed himself against the wall to slide past its broken edges, and found himself in a much wider space. It opened to another street, but there was no reason to go any further when his destination lied in the rusty door to his right.
Slamming his shoulder against it, the door creaked open. Abel took care to close it fully.
Inside was a musty, barren space featuring a gray staircase that spiraled out of sight. Abel scaled the metal steps, hand on the railing, until he reached the third floor—floor being used in the loosest sense, as all it really was was a door imbedded into the wall and a platform leading to it. Directly above the door handle was a number panel. 1-6-7-9-3-2-5. He pulled the handle up and pushed the door. It clicked open.
Unsurprisingly, but still disappointingly, the kitchen was dark. The flimsy table had nothing on top. Kicking the door close, Abel flicked on the lights. A hum, and the apartment was lit with a yellowish light.
“Home, sweet home,” he murmured. Their kitchen was just the table, a couple stools, a thin counter, a rustic sink, and an ice box pressed against the wall. Behind the table was the T-shaped hallway leading to the two bedrooms and bathroom. It wasn’t anything amazing, but far from bad. And it was home.
That didn’t change the fact that it was stuffy and cramped, though. Walking over to the sink, Abel snatched a tin cup off of the ice box and tugged down the handle for cold water. A gurgle, and a stream spewed from the hooked pipe. Once the liquid reached the brim, Abel shut off the flow and lapped at the contents.
Warm. Lovely. He drank it anyway. In fact, he drank two cups.
Then, he collapsed into one of the stools and slumped over the table. Since there was nothing to knock off, Abel let himself sprawl over the circular surface, cheek pressed against the delightful coolness. It was sucked away soon enough, and the boy was left to his sweaty misery.
“I should make dinner,” he said aloud, like it would motivate him to get up. He didn’t move. “Mother’ll be hungry if she gets home,” he added. That did the trick.
Pushing himself off of the table, he pulled the lid off the ice box. Not a whole lot there. A tune starting up in his throat, Abel threw two respectable sandwiches together.
Abel grabbed the copper bowl he usually used for covering dinner up, and placed it over one sandwich. The other, he took from himself. He left the covered sandwich on the counter and meandered into the hallway, taking large bites out of his food. He hoped there was enough light to finish that library book. It was to be returned by tomorrow, after all.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello, Dino here for a short review!
I haven't read the previous chapters so if I get anything wrong let me know!
I do like your opening of this chapter because of how description it is. Actually, this whole chapter feels like an bunch of descriptions, which isn't a bad thing but like Blue said below me, it is kind of a filler chapter.
While I do like this description, you seem to just tell show instead of tell. Like, I can see them all sleeping and enjoying it all but it could be better to just tell the reader what is happening. Like, flat out say 'everyone was sleeping and nothing was going on' or something similar.
I think you mean cold and lovely.
Overall, your scene in the kitchen was very spread out. Like, I do love the descriptions you have in place there but it felt really slow going. There was no progress in what was happening. Also, I relate to Abel in some form but I don't know what way I do.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Dino
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
Not the largest fan of this chapter, particularly for the lack of plot. If there were more action or substance that moved the plot forward, I would like the chapter better (that doesn't mean I dislike the writing, because I don't) than I do now. There's mostly just the main character who is rather reserved in this piece, which makes for little dialogue throughout the chapter. I do have to say that your description is exceptional and that you are good at simply writing, but other than that, I don't find this chapter to hold up all that much.
Perhaps it could have been a bit shorter and could have included a bit more, maybe then I would have enjoyed it more so that it didn't drag on for as long as it did without a purpose. I don't dislike the writing here, once again, it's more-so the structure of the chapter itself that doesn't seem to have much of a form or a purpose to be here. It feels like filler, and that could likely be that this is an LMS novel, which would make sense why it is that way.
It's filler like BlueAfrica said, and while I respect some of the description, it becomes too much for me and I think that in this case simplicity would work better than dragging the chapter out forever. It doesn't progress or move the plot forward, so why do you have it? If it's to help create the atmosphere, it certainly doesn't take that long to do such a thing.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
)
Okay, I've never been much to commenting on storylines, as I usually review poetry. Instead, I'll comment on alternative key parts of writing novel chapters.
Lets start with pacing. The pacing of this story was kind of slow. That isn't to say I didn't like it and found it boring to read, but I noticed you dwelled on certain things when I really just wanted you to move on to the next part. The problem is that then, when you do move on, the pace goes too quickly. One minute you have a slow scene at the stations, and suddenly he's at his house. As you can see, the pace is all over the place.
Next let's talk about dialogue. Now, obviously dialogue is hard to pull off with only one character, but you established that the Abel talks to himself. Yet, in the times when he talks to himself, the dialogue never had any substance. In song feel like it really does anything. As someone who writes a novel through news articles, which is basically entirely dialogue, I have a soft spot for dialogue. When I read dialogue which accomplishes nothing and goes nowhere, I feel like I wanted my time. (Darn, that wasn't supposed to come out sounding so harsh. Apologies!
Overall, great story! It was an interesting read! I hope I didn't come across as too harsh... I was nitpicky because you had a very detailed story with little for me to comment on. So, keep up the great work! I look forward to seeing more from you! Keep me posted, too!
-Shey
Okay, so. My comments from the last chapter stand, obviously, because this is very much another filler chapter. Only...
Dude.
Dude.
Dramatizing the making of a sandwich.
Dude.
So it was kind of worse, actually. Like, once he left the futuristic transportation, things got really, really dull. And then perked up momentarily once he actually got inside the apartment - especially here.
Because I don't know if you mentioned it earlier in the story (like, before the point I came in), but *I* didn't know who he lived with, so I was like, "Hmmmm...." and was curious to find out. Also, I found this kind of sweet.
Like he isn't motivated to make dinner just because he should or because he wants to eat, but he is when he thinks how hungry his mom will be when she gets home.
But then you got into the sandwich making, and...oof. There's something to be said for realism, but...not *this much* realism.
Ouch. Just rereading that sandwich process makes me cringe. I was, uh, really desperate to make that word quota. Procrastination at it's finest.
100% going to replace that with something else once I'm better.
I know those feels.