No Destination (Chapter 6: The Enemy of My Enemy is My [Temporary] Friend)

March 27, 2017
Novel / Chapter: Action / Adventure, General
3 comments (3 reviews)

There was always at least a foot of distance between the two of them. If Abel got too close, Cain would quicken his gait. Abel originally tried to remedy this by hurrying ahead, but the Xingese boy broke into a run and regained his position in front. Seeing that this would soon fall into a repetitive cycle of get-ahead, he let the pilot have his silly lead.

As they walked, Abel couldn’t help but notice that all the other partnerships seemed to be going better than theirs. Two boys from earlier, one tall and clearly Glycian with his platinum-blonde hair and silver eyes, the other a Caelluch brunette, were having a stilted but polite conversation when he passed them. In the corner of the courtyard, there was another pair of girls, one of them pointing wildly at the Grand Clocktower on the horizon.

He wouldn’t say he was jealous, but—okay, he was incredibly jealous. There was no denying it. Abel ran his hands over his face, squeezing his cheeks briefly, before dropping them with a heavy exhale. Eyes wandering downward, he saw the license with his name and realized that they had reached the airship.

Cain stepped to the side, running his fingers along the wooden wall. He brandished the key, the bronze glinting in the afternoon light, and shoved it into the handle. Twisting it this way and that, there was a click. “There we go,” he muttered, and pulled the it open. It slid to the side, and Cain stepped inside.

Worried that the pilot would slam the door shut behind him, Abel hurried up and jumped in after him. He nearly ran right into the Xingese. The space was rather small, after all.

“Watch it.” The animosity in Cain’s tone was dampened by his obvious cheer. It seemed to stem from the front of the ship, where all the levers and buttons were, along with the steering wheel. He swung around the engine and plopped into the leather seat, kicking his legs out. A thud resounded in the little room. “Okay, not a lot of leg space. Got it.”

“Ah, I’ll get the lights.” It was daytime, but all the shadows were a hazard. Running his hands over the wall around the entrance, Abel’s pinkie caught on a protrusion. There it was. He flicked the switch on and a ceiling light bulb, encased in a rusty cage, washed them in an amber light.

Abel scanned the room, but the engine caught his eye. “Hold up. You're kidding.” Dropping to his knees, Abel scrutinized the machinery. His right hand tugged at one of the many platoons of nails, unabashedly sticking out of the steel plating. “I saw it from outside, but I didn’t think it’d be this old!”

“What?” Cain twisted his neck. The Xingese slammed his hands onto the engine. It only produced a dull sound similar to the thud from earlier. His eyes widened, almost comically. “Not even a single echo? By the Mother, this model can’t be any newer than from 1056!”

“I know! And I thought this university was the best in the world!” Grumbling, Abel slapped the engine one last time before getting to his feet. “Does it even have proper protection? Next you’ll be telling me it has an inner layer of pine resin.”

“I swear, if it does,” Cain began, fully changing his position so that he could bend over the engine. He seemed to be looking for something. Then, he jabbed a finger at something engraving next to where two plates met. “They’re serious. What’d I say? Dolphin, the third model. Straight from 1055. Disgusting.”

“A decade old.” Abel shook his head in amazement, and not exactly the good kind. “Where in the land is our tuition going to? At the very least, you’d think they’d have an Avain. Dolphins, especially the old ones, are probably can’t fly much higher than the Clocktower.”

“Eh, I’d say it could go a bit higher than that. Higher than the city buses and definitely higher than any of the buildings around here. I don’t think they want anyone crashing into one of the rafters.”

“Yeah, because then they’d have to pay for repairs,” Abel said, and Cain chuckled.

The conversation petered off. Then, both seemed to realize just who they had been bantering with. Cain coughed and went back to the control panel. Abel scratched his neck.

People did say there was no better alliance made than one of mutual enemies. However brief that camaraderie was, Abel very much liked it. He hoped it was a good omen for their relationship, and decided that it would pay off to play nice. But he hadn’t befriended half the teaching staff by being oblivious, and he knew that now was not the time to push his luck with Cain.

So, Abel turned his attention to his original goal of exploring the airship. The outdated engine took up an absurd amount of space. It extended from the back of the pilot’s seat to the outside of the ship, and Abel wouldn’t hesitate to lodge a formal complaint if it was prone to overheating as well. That’d be slave-levels of working conditions. Or learning conditions, in their case.

Patting the technological abomination, he made his way to the back. Somewhere along the way, the engine dipped low enough to step over. A passageway of sorts, to form a complete rectangular path around the engine. He continued.

Much to his delight, there was a wooden board on the back wall. It was spotted with holes, but not so much so that Abel couldn’t pin up maps and logs of his own. Hopefully, the school would provide pins, but they seemed to be major cheapskates so far. At least the dorms for international students had seemed fine, from the few times Abel had visited.

He opened his mouth to ask Cain, then thought better of it. Abel turned his head to check what the other boy was doing, but the Xingese was just hunched over the controls, whispering something to himself and stroking the top row of buttons.

Abel scoffed. Pilots and their gadgets.

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Points: 33593
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Mon May 08, 2017 2:06 am

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Ventomology wrote a review...

Hey yo! I'm back, and I am so glad ~~tech week is over~~ I have time for reviewing again! Let's get a move on, shall we?

General Comments:

1. Your balance of action and description is really nice in this chapter! Hooray! (Although it does feel super short compared to your other chapters... hmm.) I always like it when writers use their characters' actions and opinions to enhance their descriptive language (like how Abel can circle the ship because of the engine shape, etc).

2. Maybe part of why this chapter feels so short is because a lot of your sentences are fairly short? It's not truly a bad thing or good thing, but it does make people read faster, and makes the long sentences really stick out, even if they don't seem like they should. The engine-shape sentence probably should not be a stick-out sentence, for example. I would suggest watching out for how many sentences in a row have the same number of clauses and phrases (not words. That won't tell you anything about how fast the sentence reads).

Nitpicking

I'm going to piggyback off of pkidchick's comment for this one:

She mentioned that some of your descriptions of how the other kids interacted was not substantial enough for friendship. I get that the kids have just met, and they aren't totally comfortable with each other yet, but one of the best tells for closeness is... well... closeness. Often, people who get along will be physically close. For the girl pointing at the clock tower, you might suggest that she has an arm slung around her partner. The boys you said were a little stiff still, but maybe they have their heads sort of bent together. The most effective way to make sure your audience knows two people are close is to describe physical distance, because it can imply so many things.

And, likewise, you can use physical distance on Cain and Abel to bring out the contrasts in how they perceive each other at certain times. It could be a really effective tool for this novel.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. I know where all the tuition is going: the football coach. This is suddenly going to turn into a political university drama... (okay I'm joking but I am legitimately curious as to where the money goes.) WHY DON'T THE KIDS HAVE NICE SHIPS.

I have theories, like it'll end up being a teaching tool, or there's some embezzling going on, but I for real have no idea what you've set this little mystery up to be, and I hope you're sticking in some foreshadowing for that.

2. It is so fun to see how Cain and Abel interact. I still have no idea what kind of foreshadowing you've stuck in by giving them those names, but the tension gets higher every time they switch between hatred and getting along. This pair is really well done, and I am never going to shut up about it.

Uhh... that's it? This is a short chapter I'm sorry.

Until next time!
-Buggie

Points: 91980
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Sun Apr 30, 2017 12:17 pm

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BluesClues wrote a review...

Oh, man! It ended too soon, my friend.

I really enjoyed this chapter. I loved the banter between Cain and Abel and how naturally it flowed - it came up naturally through their disgust over how old their ship was and died out just as naturally when they came to the end of the conversation and remembered who they were talking to. It also gave us a nice glimpse of the friend Cain could be, if only he didn't have an enormous chip on his shoulder.

“I swear, if it does,” Cain began, fully changing his position so that he could bend over the engine. He seemed to be looking for something. Then, he jabbed a finger at something engraving next to where two plates met. “They’re serious. What’d I say? Dolphin, the third model. Straight from 1055. Disgusting.”

“A decade old.” Abel shook his head in amazement, and not exactly the good kind. “Where in the land is our tuition going to? At the very least, you’d think they’d have an Avain. Dolphins, especially the old ones, are probably can’t fly much higher than the Clocktower.”

“Eh, I’d say it could go a bit higher than that. Higher than the city buses and definitely higher than any of the buildings around here. I don’t think they want anyone crashing into one of the rafters.”

“Yeah, because then they’d have to pay for repairs,” Abel said, and Cain chuckled.

After reading this, I'm actually really excited to see where their relationship goes, even though I know I've already read some later chapters and so far there's basically no change. I also like how you showed us Cain-the-pilot, as opposed to just Cain-the-Xingese-jerk, with bits like this.

He opened his mouth to ask Cain, then thought better of it. Abel turned his head to check what the other boy was doing, but the Xingese was just hunched over the controls, whispering something to himself and stroking the top row of buttons.

Abel scoffed. Pilots and their gadgets.

Honestly I don't know if you're going to go this direction or if the school is actually just super cheap and needs to update all their airships, but based on Abel's attitude toward Cain's origins, I sort of wondered if the school assigned them the oldest, crappiest airship because Cain is Xingese. Don't know if we'll ever find out, even if that's the case, but anyway it was a sneaking suspicion I have.

So no suggestions for improvement on this one, but it was a really good read.

Points: 16802
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Wed Apr 05, 2017 10:23 pm

rosette wrote a review...

Hi. I'm back again.
This novel is popping up everywhere I lurk in the Green Room and since I got a little understanding from that one chapter I reviewed, I thought I might as well keep going. On a completely random note (I don't think I told you this), I really like your username. Good choice.

In the beginning of this we have Abel and Cain distantly walking to the airship and Abel realizes how jealous he is of all these other teams who seem to be getting along better than him and his companion. You actually say this: In the corner of the courtyard, there was another pair of girls, one of them pointing wildly at the Grand Clocktower on the horizon. He wouldn’t say he was jealous, but—okay, he was incredibly jealous. Maybe I missed something in the earlier chapters, though I highly doubt that, but how does a girl pointing wildly at the Grand Clocktower reveal her and her pal's great friendship? Sorry, but I'm not seeing it. I think you could probably use something more substantial there.

Abel ran his hands over his face, squeezing his cheeks briefly, before dropping them with a heavy exhale. Eyes wandering downward, he saw the license with his name and realized that they had reached the airship. I re-read this a couple of times, then finally decided to point it out to you. The second sentence bothered me a bit. I have this image, okay, of Abel trailing Cain, squeezing face in exhaustion, his eyes wander downward and BOOM - there's a license in front of him. No gleaming metal of airship to warn him or a collision into Cain to have him come back to reality. Nope. Just - a license. And he's glancing down. I don't know how tall Abel is and I don't know how big this airship is but was the license that low to the ground? And if this certain license is attached to the airship like, near the door or something, wouldn't Abel have seen or at the very least noticed the airship barreling into his vision? No. He only sees the license with his name on it. Odd, I thought.

As for the whole setup of this airship, frankly... I'm confused. The whole ordeal with the engine has put a huge question mark over my head. I'm picturing it as this giant floor-to-ceiling contraption stretching from the back of the pilot’s seat to the outside of the ship. Yet, you then proceed to say: Somewhere along the way, the engine dipped low enough to step over. Um, what? And also, where along the way? I need to get a visual image of this airship but I can't. What's going on??

Criticism aside, I'm really liking this story. Its well constructed and though I found a few grammatical errors its nothing to freak-out-and-wave-my-hands-in-the-air about. Great work, Ender! Also, as a little side note, I adored this small phrase: The conversation petered off. Then, both seemed to realize just who they had been bantering with. Cain coughed and went back to the control panel. Abel scratched his neck. That is just brilliant, my friend. I actually laughed.

Anyway, I hope you found this review helpful. If you got any questions, don't be afraid to shoot 'em at me, either. Keep up the writing, EF!
cheers!
-TheKid

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No Destination (Chapter 6: The Enemy of My Enemy is My [Temporary] Friend)

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