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Young Writers Society



No Destination (Chapter 5: Too Soon of a Reunion)

by EnderFlash


Free time for the rest of the evening. It was strange. Abel hadn’t had free time since kindergarten. Elementary and middle school, as well as university, utilized each minute of school to its fullest. At least the other students had partners to converse with. Clasping his hands behind his back, he meandered around the yard, weaving between the near-identical airships. His had been further down the line, if memory served him right, and he made sure to aim his wandering that way.

The principal’s speech had dispelled most of his pre-existing bad mood, but was beginning to bring a lot of questions to mind. Although awed, he hadn’t really been thinking about its contents during the time. He was just caught up in the feeling. Retrospect slowed things down, drained the emotions from the scene, and let him process the words properly. And those meanings were quite odd.

Abel had entered the navigator course to travel the known and unknown world. He wanted to see the rolling foreign landscapes that Principal Brown had and live a life freer than he could have live as a ground worker, where he’d shamble along smoky alleys and in overcrowded buildings. And now the very same man was telling them that most of them wouldn’t become like him. 

“Hitting it right where it hurts,” he muttered as he passed another vehicle. It didn’t help that the principal was right. The world needed more engineers and commercial fliers than it needed adventurers. People were more interested in developing the areas they did have than discovering new ones. Plus, it’d be pretty hard to make a living unless you found something huge, something that you could write bestsellers and patent maps from.

“Ah, here I am.” Abel stopped in front of an airship identical to the rest, but had his and Cain’s name hammered just below the front window. The entrance was on the side, and he attempted to pull down the handle. There was a clicking sound, and it budged for all of a millimeter. Of course it was locked. He would have to ask the instructors for the key.

To satisfy his burning curiosity, he backtracked to the nose of the ship and peered through the sole window. A single leather chair. It was backed up against some hulking mass of steel plates, battalions of nails covering its metallic surface. The floor was lost to shadows, but Abel assumed it to be covered in a mesh of pipes, considering how the arching walls looked that way. No doubt they sunk into the floor, which was probably made of wood, but he would have to watch his step. Even though the rational part of him had expected this, he couldn’t help but pout. It wasn’t exactly the grand airship of his dreams.

Pulling himself away, Abel shook his head to rid himself of the childish disappointment. He headed back to the stadium, weaving between airships and wondering why he was doing so. Part of him expected to finally see a different design, but of course the school had no reason to decorate a bunch of old rental airships.

When he reached the stadium, he looked for someone who might have the keys. His eye caught on a growing line in front of a wooden table, where three adults sat. They were scribbling things onto some list and pushing small white envelopes at students, so of course Abel joined the line.

“Excuse me,” he said to a boy in front of him, “this is to get the keys for our airships, right?”

“Yeah,” came the reply.

“Thanks.” With that, Abel went back to playing with the hem of his uniform. The line moved at a decent pace, and soon he was talking to one of the people behind the table. She asked for his and his partner’s name. “Abel Etheridge. And Cain Noriega.”

There was a moment as she thumbed through the files, and then she brought out a thin package. Then, she looked up and frowned. “Mr. Etheridge? Where is your partner?”

“He’s not here.” Dread pooled in his stomach.

“I’m sorry, but both partners must be here to pick up the key. You’re free to wait on the side until he comes, so that you don’t have to wait in line again. Next!”

That was a problem. Abel opened his mouth to explain his situation, when he heard a familiar voice from behind.

“Oh, hey, is this the line for keys?” Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

Abel turned his head to see Cain conversing with someone at the back of the line and winced. It was for the sake of the airship, he told himself. “Cain! Over here!”

As soon as Cain noticed him, a wretched expression covered his face. Right back at you, Abel thought, as the Xingese came towards him. “What?” 

“We need both partners to pick up the key,” Abel tiredly explained, “and no, I have no idea why. Security, maybe. Can you handle standing next to me for ten seconds?”

Cain glared at him, but didn’t say anything. Taking that as a yes, Abel turned to the lady. The girls that she had been working with happened to just finish and take off, so he stepped in front of her. “My partner, Cain Noriega, is here. I’m Abel Etheridge.”

“Right.” The woman took the envelope that had been placed to the side and slid it towards him. “Please sign here.” She gave him the blocky pencil and he signed his name with a flourish, before handing it to Cain. The pilot, notably, avoided touching his fingers and jerked the writing instrument out of his hand. He signed, then snatched up the envelope. The pair removed themselves from the line and Cain tore the top of the envelope off, dumping the key into his waiting palm. Emphasis on key, because there was only one.

“For a top school, they’re pretty cheap,” Cain remarked. He closed his fist and headed off towards their airship, not sparing Abel a look.

Unfortunately, he had to follow, lest he be unable to check out their airship. It looked like they would have to stick together for more than ten seconds.


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557 Reviews


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Fri Apr 21, 2017 3:11 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Good day, kiddo! I am again here from the phone. Pit orchestra leaves me with copious down time, none of which is spent at home.

Let's get this party started.

General Comments:

1. I would, in general, avoid using incomplete sentences for anything but the details that you really want to bring out. I noticed in your description of the airship's interior that you started that passage out with a fragment, and it was a little weird, because that didn't seem like anything special. I know you like fragments more than I do, so I won't fault you for the few that pop up when Abel is thinking, but still be careful with how you use incomplete sentences.

2. This chapter actually flows really well! Like, there was already improvement from Unorthodox to chapter one of this work, and you're only getting better. Good job!

Details:

Nothing bad this week like holy cow you are doing fabulous.

I felt like the airship description deserved a little more emotion, but your attention to detail was really great, and I definitely could see what you were trying to convey. Nice job!

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. I knew the separation wouldn't last long. I am excited to see how you use space, both physical and emotional, to flesh out the changes in Cain and Abel's relationship, because I feel like that will play a big role, and I also feel like this is the kind of work where subtle symbolism will both fit and add a huge amount of depth.

2. Not a lot of true characterization in this piece, but I think it balances well with the introduction of what I predict will be one of your big themes with this piece. As someone actually on the brink of facing Abel's dream vs. reality situation, I am really interested in seeing how you play with the idea of achieving dreams. It's a fairly common idea to explore, but full of complexity and possibilities.

Sorry for getting all AP Lit on you. I just have this feeling that you could potentially weave something very poignant with the situation you have set up thus far.

Keep it up!
-Buggie




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Sat Apr 01, 2017 1:32 am
rosette wrote a review...



Greetings, EnderFlash! :)
Yup, I'm here to review. It may not be exactly what you hoped since I have this problem of jumping into novels mid-way through and reviewing them... But, I'll see what I can do.

I couldn't help but notice your characters names for this story. Cain and Abel. Did you purposely pick them? Like the biblical Cain and Abel? You've certainly done very well in cloning them, I'll say. Cain's hatred for Abel is so obvious, I love it! (even though I'm probably not supposed to) Even though this portion is all I've read of your story, Cain and Abel's characters are already shining through and I admire you for that. This goes for the plot as well. I literally know next to nothing about navigation and airships but you've established a fairly simple storyline and I already got the concept of most of this. So - whoo! *standing ovation*

I usually don't gush like this on my reviews - actually, I NEVER do - but I honestly don't know what to criticize. There was one sentence (yes, one) that tickled me the wrong way, and I'll show it to you.

They were scribbling things onto some list and pushing small white envelopes at students, so of course Abel joined the line.

I don't like that red there. It just briefly interrupted the flow of it all. Like, DUH! OF COURSE. Then, in the following sentence, Abel asks some dude if this is the line for keys. Why would he ask if it was an "of course"? I think it'd be better if you said Abel joined the line assuming it was for the keys. But that's up to you if you want to change it or not, of course. ;)
(hmm, that was more like two sentences that bothered me)

So, yes, that is all I have to say for today. You seem to have a great plan with this story and I totally encourage you to keep it up. As of right now, it appears solid and nice.
Great work, EnderFlash!
And have an awesome day.
-TheKid





Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
— Adrian Mitchell