It’s Valentine’s Day, or more so night, And I’m writing this poem despite inabilities. So read it up without a waver in your sight, Or else I won’t love you worth anything.
Call me harsh, but actions speak loud, So see as I write after All-State Band, how I type despite this mental cloud and for what I run on, knows not my hand.
so see as I write this dumb little poem At ten-fifty-nine P.M. o’ clock, When technicalities are forgotten And rhymes are slopped,
So see, just see, that’s the measure of my heart! I’m batting off sleep and chasing away work, despite the alarm set at 8 AM sharp, and the crushing amount of due reports.
I’m ridiculously exhausted, mentally, And I must be really dumb to write this at all. But hey, I love you, don’t you see? So you better love me for this, you all!
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EnderFlash!
XD I think this is cute.
The rhyme forces some unorthodox turns of phrases "writing this despite inabilities" / "read it up without a waver" etc. that despite feeling forced and a bit clumsy, is still kind of charming in the way it warms up to you. There is a frontal force to the voice here, in "call me harsh", there's a bit of sass and in "dumb little poem / ten-fifty-nine P.M. o'clock " it's humorous and poking fun at itself. That's my favorite line of the piece xD
There seems to be a juxtaposition though between the bold and the passiveness. We have boldness in the attitude of the voice, in the sass, in the "ten-fifty-nine P.M o'clock" where the poem puts forth no excuses and just says what it says, is-what-it-is; I like these parts. But it doesn't go well with the other parts and I think the other parts undercuts the best part.
The parts where it apologizes for itself, makes excuses, "I'm ridiculously exhausted, mentally" etc and so it says to the reader "Yeah, this is just a poem written spur of the moment, I was only half-awake" -- No, no! No justifications. Don't apologize.
Give us more of the full-frontal. Be bold and proud of it.
~ as always, Audy
Hello! (Im new to YWS so I apologize if my review is bland or unhelpful.)
To start off, this poem has a lot of potential. The intention for the theme is great but it is a bit confusing. This line in particular ,
"Or else I won’t love you worth anything."
I dont understand what it means... Maybe I am just incredibly stupid but perhaps you could fix that line along with the first stance to make a build up in order to make that line stronger.
Also the last line confused me a bit,
"So you better love me for this, you all!"
Is the poem about the person loving everyone or a certain someone? Maybe me clear of this earlier in the poem?
Thats all, keep contributing to the lovely world of literature !
Alright! I'll think the first couple lines over after I'm done with some homework. Definitely need to fix the last couple, though. The 'you all' part was really only so it rhymed... x_x
Hi there!
It is an adorable poem.
The point of poem seems the admission of 'I love you' despite all .
When the measure of heart is seen in batting off sleep or chasing away work despite the crushing amount of projects to be done and submitted.
Despite all exhaustion the poet trudges on to convey his feeling to his beloved.
Then ends on a slight assumption by the poet about the reciprocated feelings.
It is written in a lovely manner.
Keep writing.
All the best.
Hello EnderFlash! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
I think that this was a really great poem! I love all the detail, and the way you make the reader relate with it, and the fact that you were able to do that is amazing!
*And you are in band? ^^ awesome, if you made all state, that is amazing!*
Here are some things I would go through:
Here you rhyme the first and third stanzas, while on the other had the ned stanza rhymes a,b,a,b. I think you should try and keep the rhyme scheme going.
Then again the rhyming throughout this poem the rhyming as all over the place if you even did it.I know it was mentioned in the poem that you were tired and the rhyming was off, I think you could have just been a little neater with it
Here, you should have a comma the word 'harsh'.
Overall this was a pretty great poem! You did a great job given the circumstances! Keep Writing!
~Chrissy <3
Thank you so much for the review!
At some point today, if I can get this History hw done, I'll be sure to go through and clean up the rhyming a bit 
Well first off, I have to say this was interesting but I really really liked it. You seem to use the word "see" quite a bit in your piece actually. In different ways part of the time, but you could end up replacing few of them with something else. Now,
?Call me harsh but actions speak loud,
So see as I write after All-State Band,
how I type despite this mental cloud
and for what I run on, knows not my hand."
I have to say, this stanza really spoke out to me. The mental cloud and the very last line of it. This poem is all about a weird little poem, but it is actually very well written. It has quite the poetic feel (which is very good for a poem) It flows very well.
"But hey, I love you,don’t you see?"
There is a missing space between the you and don't, but for grammar overall it is very good, especially for someone who's sleep deprived haha.
SLEEEEP
Haha, it's morning now and I'm still tired; had to wake up to pick up my backpack from school ;u; I'll go ahead and fix what you mentioned. Thanks!