Ok I know it probably has horrible grammar mistakes so sorry in advance, I'll try to fix them later. Also sorry it took so long to post this its just my life has been crazy lately...and well...enjoy :) (I'd love some feed back🙂)
Chapter two
*Emma's p.o.v*
I laid there on my bed. Curled up in to a ball. It was all my fault. It was all my fault that those bright eyes suddenly lost their glow. It was. If I hadn't pointed him out he might still be alive. It was all my fault. I was crying. Something I promised HER that I wouldn't do. She was the closest thing I've ever had to a friend...but she was gone. Gone forever. thinking of her made me cry even more. It has been two years since she "went missing", More like "was murdered". No, lily would never come back...lily couldn't save me from what i was about to do. No one could. If this plan failed I would die. It was as simple as that.
*lilys p.o.v*
It was hard to just stand outside her window and watch her sob. But I couldn't show myself. Not after what I did. She'd hate me if she found out. It's better if she just thinks I'm dead. I don't want to cause her any more pain.
*Emma's p.o.v*
I got up off of my small bed to put my plan into action. I pulled my school bag from under my bed. And as I stuffed it with all the clothes that would fit, I tried to think of the easiest way to escape town, it was designed to keep people in, But almost no one noticed how much the town was like a prison. Mostly because almost no one ever thought of escape. *almost. Almost no one. That almost no one was my father, Luke salte. The only person who ever broke the rules.
*lilys p.o.v*
Emma was packing. She was going to escape. Or at least try. Once she was done packing her clothes she pulled a long knife out from her closet. I tried not to gasp but failed miserably, Emma spun around, Knife in hand. I was going to die.
*Emma's p.o.v*
There's a figure outside the window. I'm going to die. I instantly regretted turning around with the knife, it was so not legal. It was one of main rules. The ones they pound into you the moment you leave your mothers womb. If you broke it you 'disappeared' within a week. Most likely murdered. But no one knows. and no one seems to care. Whenever someone goes missing no one makes a big deal. No one says any thing about it. Every one just carries on with their every day life. It's so wrong. I'm done staying here in this cruel town. I'm done with these people.
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138,610 Literary Works • 672,180 Reviews
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
I really liked the way you changed the characters points of view, but don't forget to included more than thoughts. There was basically no description in this chapter and I feel that it needs to have at least a little. Like where was Lilly standing outside of the window? Is it at night? are there trees to hide her? Is the window she's looking into the top floor or the bottom floor? Does this house only have one floor? Questions like this can be solved through just a bit of description.Nit-picks
Another thing to think about is how the characters move. Just saying "there's a figure outside the window" isn't giving much information. I already know that there's some one outside. This is a place where you could include some description. Did the figure jump or did Emma see the figure because of the moon shining down on Lilly. Maybe it's just a thin shadow behind some trees. Try to include things like this so that your reader can have an image in their head.
Grammar and Punctuation
Junel did a pretty good job of pointing out the grammar and punctuation mistakes. I'm sure that a quick read through should show the mistakes. Then it should be east to fix them.
Overall thoughts
Chapter plot: Okay so I really liked how you introduced so many questions in this chapter. You introduced a lot of plot points that I'm sure will be explained later. This is a great way to keep a reader interested in the book and persuades them to keep reading. I hope you'll shed some light on all the things you brought into this chapter soon.
Characters: So I see that there's a new character by the name of Lilly. She seems very important to the plot and I'm wondering it she's maybe a bright eye? I'm probably wrong. Anyway you keep her a mystery for the most part and all I know about her at the moment is that she's a girl and seems to be very important to Emma.
Okay now I want to talk about the swapping of views. Although this is a great way to get to know all the characters well, it's a bit of a pain when there's a swap with every new paragraph. It means that I can't get into the story and that you tend to then repeat a lot of points in the story. I'd keep it to one character's point of view per chapter. So maybe have it Lilly's point of view in this chapter so that you can introduce the new character and then have it Emma's in the next chapter.
Description: I think I've pretty much covered this in the beginning of the review so I'll make it quick. Just remember that you have to make the reader feel like their right there with the characters. So what ever your character feel whether it's an ice breeze to the rough bark of the tree they're touching, make sure to let the reader know about it. It will make the story more captivating and will result in a very happy reader.
Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I
hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hey, another great chapter!
Grammatical Etc. errors:
Thinking should be capitalized.
More should be lowercase.
Lily should be capitalized and I should be to.
This should be one sentence with a comma between sob and but.
But should be lowercase.
Salte should be capitalized.
Should be one sentence with a comma in between escape and or
Should all be a single sentence with a comma between murdered and but and no period after knows.
Also your sentences are all very short and many aren't complete. Try going over this and adding more details.
Characters: So you introduce another character who seems quite important to the story, but you leave them as mainly a mystery. We still only know the minimal amount about the main character although you do reveal some stuff about her dad. You might want to start giving us a little information on her because although mystery is good eventually a reader can get tired of it an just want to know stuff.
Plot: So we learn more about the plot here although the majority is still a mystery. She might be trying to escape the town which is interesting. She also has a friend who apparently has done something bad, but what. Good job keeping me interested.
Description: Here is where you lack largely. We know Emma is in her bedroom, but what doesn't it look like. Also Lily is outside does she feel the chilly air or hear animals in the distance. We need to know more about the background. Also what do these characters look like?
Perspective: It is cool how you switch back and forth and it even adds some humour in, but this can become tiring for the reader to keep track of when they just want the story, that's why most writers only change perspective when a new chapter begins or if they have a long chapter they might switch once. What your do here is ok, but try and avoid it in the future.
Overall this is very interesting and leaves me wanting the next part immediately.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel