ok this is like the first piece of my writing I've shared with anyone besides my sister. I hope you guys like it, this is just the first chapter, so if you guys want I can post more :) I'm always looking for ways to improve and would love some feed back :) well..uh..enjoy.
*Emma's p.o.v*
I walked down the stairs as I made my way to the kitchen for breakfast. as I walked into the room smelling of pancakes, I glanced at the paper on the table and scowled. The head line read: "THERE WAS A SIGHTING OF A BRIGHT EYE IN TOWN YESTERDAY" My Birth giver (I refuse to call her mom after what she did). Walked over and picked it up. I rolled my eyes. Bright eyes were humans just like us. It's just that they see something called "color", and the reason their called "bright eyes" is because their eyes are so bright. so creative, right? Please note my sarcasm. Every one thinks that their some scary possessed freaks. I've only seen two bright eye in my life. But it sure didn't seem like thats the case, one was 8 years ago when I was 6. It was also the day I stopped calling that woman my mom
*flash back*
"Mommy, why is that persons eyes like that?" I asked. My Mom looked where I was pointing, she gasped as she pulled a gun out of her bag and shot the boy with the different eyes. He fell to the ground as I screamed and ran over to him. As I knelt beside him, and brushed his hair out of his face. he opened his eyes and, when ours met, every thing flashed bright. A moment later I blacked out.
*end of flash back*
I remember waking up in a hospital bed, sobbing. When the nurse came in I asked about the bright eyed boy. She told me that the "creature" was disposed of.
My thoughts were interrupted by my Birth giver waving the paper in my face. "Huh?" I asked, still a bit out of it. "Are you going to go and help kill it?" I was confused for a second before realizing she was talking about the bright eye spotted yesterday. My face hardened. "I can't kill a bright eye." my birth giver looked at me for a second, her face unreadable. "Hm..I see." She turned towards the phone on the counter. She might call to turn me in for treason. I don't know what she would do any more. I had to think fast..."never mind." She looked at me waiting for me to continue. "I'll go." I told her. She smiled at me. The kind of smile that makes people shiver. I had to think of a plan. I had to think of one fast.
- [ ]
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Bright eyes chapter twoPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,779 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Hey! So this is really interesting but just one little thing.
There was some unnecessary punctuation at times throughout, such us, "My Birth giver (I refuse to call her mom after what she did). Walked over and picked it up." which only needed to be "My Birth giver (I refuse to call her mom after what she did) walked over and picked it up." The full stop after the closing bracket is unnecessary and grammatically incorrect.
As well as this, you used the wrong from of they're/their/there when you wrote "and the reason their called "bright eyes"", which should have been "and the reason they're called "bright eyes"".
Other than this, very interesting premise and keep writing.
You are very imaginative, as this is an interesting concept. There are still a few things you could improve upon, though.
Please keep writing!
You want your reader to be hooked into your story, and so don't feel the need to explain everything up front.
"Bright eyes were humans just like us. It's just that they see something called "color", and the reason their called "bright eyes" is because their eyes are so bright. so creative, right? Please note my sarcasm. Every one thinks that their some scary possessed freaks. I've only seen two bright eye in my life."
Within those two sentences you revealed a LOT of important information. If you want your readers to be intrigued, you should first leave them wondering. If I were you, I would not explain who the 'bright eyes' are, instead simply letting the readers guess. And then when you reveal that having 'bright eyes' simply means that you can see colour, the readers will be even more shocked than if you said what it meant up front.
Hope that helps
Hey, this is so interesting!
So some advice yay!
One thing you could do is elongate the whole flashback. I liked it, but it was just so short. You could also add some facts like how the character was six right into the flashback. That way its more showing less telling. You could also include waking in the hospital to the flashback again showing instead of telling.
I agree with Remington38 that Birth Mother should be capitalized because it is the name the main character has giving her and I saw a few other grammatical errors one being.
I think that you meant to say knelt or kneeled.
Also a little more detail would be cool because we both don't know the character's name or their gender. I'm guessing it's a girl though.
Anyway I LOVED this story an I can't wait to read more stuff by you. Please PM me when you put out the next chapter I can't wait to read it.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Thanks for the advice! Sorry about the grammar mistakes. I'll fix those now.
and I already have the next chapter now, I just need points. XD
Hello Remington38 here,
Hi I really enjoyed this. My question is have you ever read The Giver because this is very similar? If not I recommend highly. My only nitpick is a few grammatical errors there needed to be a few letters capitalized. Over all I was really entertained. I am not sure about this but the titles given should be capitalized because they are in fact titles. "Birth Giver" for example. I am not 100% sure if that is correct. I would definitely be interested in reading more.
Yes I've read the giver
and that's what I thought as well. The next chapters will be different lol sorry for the grammar mistakes, I'll be sure to fix them 