Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Humor

E - Everyone

somebody spiked my Halloween candy

by Emmzziee


>Just for funs – I missed this website ;) I need critiques. Is my writing style okay, or is it too blah?<

Do you see that? Those tentacles and – oh!

See, I’m diving to the bottom of the ocean.

There’s a rotting ship and a stubborn rock.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Where am I swimming to?

The bottom of the ocean!

See, there’s something gaining on me.

I guess I should be afraid and –

Halt

These are jagged edges.

There’s orange, and orange, and orange

And these ghosts are gaining on me.

“Halt, halt, halt,” I scream, and then I scream some more.

I knocked on a door.

Ding,

Dong,

And a sing

Song

And a

“here, little girlie, I love your pretty costume. What are you?”

“I’m a mermaid!”

He gave me these droplets. These little coloured capsules.

I stumbled, I stumbled.

I swallowed a sweetie –

I fell down a rabbit hole.

Into this ocean

And

Down, down, down and

Down and

Was that the wrong pill to take?

I think, I think it was.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
317 Reviews


Points: 20
Reviews: 317

Donate
Mon Nov 04, 2013 6:33 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



DragonNextec says...


Dragon here,

First off i have never laughed so hard in my life on this before,
So ill give you a 100% Great work here
Loved it and also
I kinda Sung the hole song in my head but stopped to laugh some more,
Hey your awesome man
Keep going!



I agree with this person. It is awesome. I mainly quoted also to get you out of the green room. Enjoy getting out of that room you funny, sorta weird person!




User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 271
Reviews: 17

Donate
Sun Nov 03, 2013 11:01 pm
IntelligentlyStupid wrote a review...



My Gods! i love it! i really do! this is absolutely hilarious, one hundred percent hilarity is oozing out of my right now. When reading this, i get the image of somebody eating a pill they get during Halloween, and completely tripping out on everything. It seems like they just finished reading Alice in Wonderland, watching the Little Mermaid, and sat there staring at the aquarium in the living room. I want to do nothing more than to totally laugh my behind off right now, but i shall stave that off for the time being. I LOVE the way you did this, and i even sang it while i read it, (in a silly English accent which made everything better) so now i'm in a totally good mood.
let's see:
funny-o-meter: 100%, doesn't get much better than this
Rhythm: A+, had a good flow, and slipped off the tongue easily
length: A+, not too short, but not excessively long either
content: B+, that last part about it being a little girl getting the pills is a little creepy, and personally makes me a bit uncomfortable
Overall mark- 95%!!
Well done!




User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 391
Reviews: 22

Donate
Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:22 pm
DragonNextec wrote a review...



Dragon here,

First off i have never laughed so hard in my life on this before,
So ill give you a 100% Great work here
Loved it and also
I kinda Sung the hole song in my head but stopped to laugh some more,
Hey your awesome man
Keep going!





Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado