You think I'm crying?
These tears are lying.
These empty tears;
They know I'm dying.
I knew a girl;
She'd eat,
and eat.
And then she'd gag -
She's sick;
She eats.
People always look for faults,
But they don't look too deep
And so, I take this opportunity
To smile, inside...
And weep.
That girl seemed normal...
Can't you see?
Can you not guess?
...That girl is me.
...People are stupid.
Blind.
Can't see.
Oh, never, ever...
Can't catch me!
But maybe, now?
Do you see me?
This worthless,
tired, ugly, crazy...
Stupid, silent beauty?
...Do you now see me?
I like to cry;
I hate to speak.
It hurts to smile -
'Cos I'm a freak!
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139,327 Literary Works • 672,532 Reviews
Just want to say that I really liked this. It's packed with emotion and feeling. I especially love the short sentences, they really add to the poem. I don't have too much to say, I just wanted to comment something, because I really liked this.
Hey there, here to review as requested!
Grammer: No real grammatical errors. I don't like the 'Cos at the end though, 'Cuz 'Cause, something other than that, it just looks a little odd. :/
Suggestions and Questions:
Is there a real need for all the italic words? I'm guessing it is for emphasis, but at some parts I don't think it was necessary, like here and here.
Otherwise, that's all I got....
Likes: This is a list of my favorite goodies!
Yeah, I'm kinda philosophical.
My favorite now:
Overall: So yeah, this review was short.... Sorry... But it is only short because this doesn't have anything I would really suggest changing! It seems as if you have combed through it, and with a ver fine comb I might add, to pick out any errors. It is maybe kinda sorta a little bit cliche, but I don't mind cliche stuff, I think it is just as cute the twentieth time as the first, so yeah.... Umm... The rhymes weren't stretched, and they kept it flowing nicely. Probably my favorite part is the voice is so obvious and "in your face" as the reader. We can really connect to the person, even if we don't quite know what it is about. I love the matter of fact phrases at the end of everything, like "Can't catch me!" "...That girl is me" "And weep." and "She eats." It gives it some humor and adds to the voice, and I also love the "...Do you see me now?" It just seems so real, and perfect. I can hear the girl asking kind of shyly, but kind of like "Come on already..." I just love it. So yeah, good job! If you have any questions, let me know, and if you ever want another review, let me know as well!
-HostofHorus
I have to admit I went into this expecting the usual (please take no offense!) sappy, depressed teen poem that floats around here. But I actually liked this. It has some good, honest quality to it that you don't normally see. You really hit a nerve, and your language is very jarring and forceful, practically yelling at the reader. It has a power behind it that most 14-year-olds don't conceive of or know how to put in.
In some places the rhyme scheme you have, the almost rap-like quality of it, works really well. In other places (like the last stanza) it just feels... shallow might be the right word. I feel like you could write something better instead of playing on the rhyme scheme like you did. You talk about deep things here, an eating disorder. But you end merely with the narrator being a "freak". I feel like that's downplaying the strength that this poem could have.
I think the strength of this poem lies in its unconventional, almost accusitory format. But I think you could tighten it up and give it more of a punch too. Don't just focus on yelling and rhyming. Think about how you want to make the reader feel. There's SO MUCH you can do when talking about bulimia. Granted, I like the way you barely talked about it.
By far my favorite stanza, I love the last line, just again "she eats" as if to suggest such a natural thing as eating is WRONG. I just really loved this stanza a lot.
Sorry if I was kind of vague on my advice as to how to improve this. You could really take it in any direction you want to though. I think it'd be worth your while to clean it up and give it more power. If you have any questions feel free to PM me!
I liked your expression and emotion throughout your piece. I loved th eway you used italic for words you wanted to stand out. only thing I would change is at the ind
I would put Cuz or Cause just becaus people might not know what you are trying to get across.
Hope I helped
-ShyGrl