To everybody who has reviewed this, thank you so much - but where do I post the 'thank you so much for reviewing' comments nowadays? thank ya'll again and please feel free to review. This is actually supposed to be a romance poem, but however you perceived it, I don't mind.
Dear my love, meet me after dark. Dear my love, remember. Because I've found a place for you to stay. It's for both of us and we belong there. There are no people, and it's real. Let it be ours. I hope to see you there. We need it to survive.
Maybe tonight, the wind will help us fly. We'll fly all night, until the morning. We will be there tomorrow.
The sun will be ours, my love. I've always longed to see it with you. It exists. We could run through it. We could keep on running forever. We could dream all night. And it's still real. We'll still be there.
Take my hand, and look around. We might be led by moonlight. It's our planet, after all. I found it, so come with me. Take my hand, I'll lead you there.
There's no need to miss anyone. They'll never hurt you, here. Forget this life, and come with me. Sweet sparkling grey, waters of Spring. We'll hear it. It will be ours. You're safe now.
Just get your things. We won't ever have to dream anymore. We won't ever ever ever have to wake again.
Aw. Compliments Thank ya'll so much for your kind words. This was the first poem that I'd written in the new year and I wanted to share it. To the suggestions given, I'm working on it all, but in a different poem. I think that'd be better than adding new stuff to this already totally old (day-before-yesterday) one Thank ya'll again; you guys have to keep writing too. I love reading all of your stuff.
P.S. Does anybody know where the 'thank you for reviewing' messages go nowadays? Emmzziee
This is a sort of bittersweet poem about running away with the one you love and having a peaceful life in a quiet place where there's only the two of you encapsulated in the safety of love.
It's a lovely scene you're portraying here and gives out the message of being really heartfelt and touching. Also, it gives an undertone that there is some stress that the persona has to bear and that she/he is trying their best to escape and outrun it while still being united. Hopeful and ambitious, there is great motive to look forward to here.
The first two lines of the poem start out quite awkwardly since it doesn't sound right. 'Dear my love' seems a bit off and it feels like you've mixed up the words from two sentences or something like that. Because that particular phrase, in my opinion, does lack that quality of being real and believable. I would suggest removing the 'Dear' and just leaving it as 'My love' instead.
Like Snoink above me has said, let there be more description and conflict so that the audience can have a connection to the characters and have an attachment and share their adventures and emotions. Create a scenario and add some drama maybe. Let there be rhythm or if you want, some rhyme too. Mix it up a bit and you could come up with something that could be better than this already is
You're a wonderful writer and you have great emotional control over your poem. Just try re-reading it again and again a few times and read aloud. You'll automatically find places you could make better or improve on. I'm looking forward to reading more. Keep the ink flowing!
I'm not so big on environmental poems. But I'll give it my shot. Overall I thought it was really good. You showed affection and warmth towards the planet, and I absolutely loved how you used a prson as a metaphor for the planet. It gave it a really good sense of affection. You seem to care about Earth. Again, I am not fond on environmental poems, and I'm not sure if you are just talking about loving the Earth or if you are trying to save it from all the manmade catastrophes.
Just get your things. We won't ever have to dream anymore. We won't ever ever ever have to wake again.
On the last line, maybe only two evers. I know it's really picky, but I think it makes senses.
Overall, you have a great poem here. Here and there I am not sure about it's meaning, but I loved your use of words and had quite a deep feeling. Well done!
For this poem, you stress the idea of having a planet to each other. However, you repeat this a little too much to the point that I think this idea overshadows everything that you've written so far. I think you should concentrate on saying what they will leave behind in specific detail instead. That way the poem becomes more bittersweet and hopeful because of all the pain that they are leaving behind.
Still, I love the idea of running away to another, better life and the comforting words that are offered.
Keep writing!
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thank ya'll again and please feel free to review.
Aw. Compliments
Thank ya'll so much for your kind words.
This was the first poem that I'd written in the new year and I wanted to share it.
To the suggestions given, I'm working on it all, but in a different poem. I think that'd be better than adding new stuff to this already totally old (day-before-yesterday) one
Thank ya'll again; you guys have to keep writing too. I love reading all of your stuff.
P.S. Does anybody know where the 'thank you for reviewing' messages go nowadays?
Emmzziee
Hey Emmz!
This is a sort of bittersweet poem about running away with the one you love and having a peaceful life in a quiet place where there's only the two of you encapsulated in the safety of love.
It's a lovely scene you're portraying here and gives out the message of being really heartfelt and touching. Also, it gives an undertone that there is some stress that the persona has to bear and that she/he is trying their best to escape and outrun it while still being united. Hopeful and ambitious, there is great motive to look forward to here.
The first two lines of the poem start out quite awkwardly since it doesn't sound right. 'Dear my love' seems a bit off and it feels like you've mixed up the words from two sentences or something like that. Because that particular phrase, in my opinion, does lack that quality of being real and believable. I would suggest removing the 'Dear' and just leaving it as 'My love' instead.
Like Snoink above me has said, let there be more description and conflict so that the audience can have a connection to the characters and have an attachment and share their adventures and emotions. Create a scenario and add some drama maybe. Let there be rhythm or if you want, some rhyme too. Mix it up a bit and you could come up with something that could be better than this already is
You're a wonderful writer and you have great emotional control over your poem. Just try re-reading it again and again a few times and read aloud. You'll automatically find places you could make better or improve on.
I'm looking forward to reading more. Keep the ink flowing!
Murtuza
I'm not so big on environmental poems. But I'll give it my shot. Overall I thought it was really good. You showed affection and warmth towards the planet, and I absolutely loved how you used a prson as a metaphor for the planet. It gave it a really good sense of affection. You seem to care about Earth. Again, I am not fond on environmental poems, and I'm not sure if you are just talking about loving the Earth or if you are trying to save it from all the manmade catastrophes.
On the last line, maybe only two evers. I know it's really picky, but I think it makes senses.
Overall, you have a great poem here. Here and there I am not sure about it's meaning, but I loved your use of words and had quite a deep feeling. Well done!
4/5 stars
Hey Em!
For this poem, you stress the idea of having a planet to each other. However, you repeat this a little too much to the point that I think this idea overshadows everything that you've written so far. I think you should concentrate on saying what they will leave behind in specific detail instead. That way the poem becomes more bittersweet and hopeful because of all the pain that they are leaving behind.
Still, I love the idea of running away to another, better life and the comforting words that are offered.
Keep writing!