Keeper of the Stones: Black Dragons
Chapter One
Rated for Swearing.
“We’ve got the stone.” Rick strode back and forth, speaking urgently into a mobile. Dust that had been disturbed by his pacing blew across the rocky soil and over his shoes. Shoes which, in hindsight, were more suited to the pavements of London than the fringes of the desert he and his two accomplices now waited in. “Took a while to convince the local witch of the village to part with it,” he continued, “but we’ve got it.”
“Just in time,” muttered another man, sitting on a boulder. As sweat trickled from every pore, he was thankful he’d gotten rid of his blonde mane. “This deadline was too close a call.”
The man with the dark hair scowled at him before turning his attention back to the phone. “Ah, nothing, master. Just Sven grumbling. Um, yes. Yes, we’re all here. Er, okay. Yes, master.”
“Sounds like Rick’s getting pussy whipped,” the third and final man said to the blonde. He stood with a hand held over his eyes, shielding his burnt face from the African sun.
“Aw, I didn’t know they were dating,” Sven replied, swatting at a couple of flies.
“It’s a secret, but wedding bells will be ringing soon.”
“Haven’t got my invite yet.”
“Looks like you’ve been shut out, my brother.”
“Will you two shut up!” Rick snapped, holding the phone away. “I’m speaking with the master, and he ain’t gonna be too happy if I keep asking him to repeat himself. Got that? Sven. Kieran.”
Kieran blew out a lungful of air and gazed at the sky. Not a single cloud was in sight, which made sense. Anything remotely damp in this place dried up like a salt-dusted slug. And by the way the air shimmered like the ground was a radiator going at full-pelt; it was only a matter of time before he got the mother of all migraines. God, the heat was driving him crazy. Which meant Rick nagging like some old woman was not giving him a saintly patience. “I wouldn’t worry, Rick. The master wouldn’t ever get pissed with you. Seeing as you’re his bitch and all.”
Rick jabbed his finger in Kieran’s direction. “Soon I am gonna lose my temper, and you are gonna lose your dick. Am I clear?” When Kieran shrugged, Rick brought the phone back to his ear. “Sorry, master. Yes, yes, I know that. But… Uh huh. Actually, they’re late. Oh. Really?” He wrapped his hand around the phone and said to Sven and Kieran, “Leo’s going to be with the pick-up group when they come for us and the stone.”
“Aw, shit,” Sven groaned. “That creepy weirdo? Fantastic.”
Rick clenched his jaw and dropped his hand. “Yeah, that’s cool,” he said, slowly walking away from Sven and Kieran. “We’re all ready. Sven’s looking after the stone. Master? What’s the deal with this stone? You haven’t sent us to Africa for any other jewel before. It’s just… Yeah. Ah, yes, sorry. No, no. Sorry. Yes, I…”
“Pussy whipped,” Kieran muttered to Sven.
Sven grunted, then looked down at the box he held in one of his hands. “Can’t wait until this is over.”
“Yeah. Air conditioning. A shower.” Kieran grinned. “Paradise.” The smile faded and he glanced at Sven. “Listen, when we get back, if Vara asks, we stayed in a five-star hotel. We had action-packed gun fights with rebels. The village we visited was filled with beautiful, young women and we slept with them all. We clear?”
“Somehow, I don’t think Vara will be jealous about the last point,” Sven commented dryly. “I dunno. I felt for her, actually, when the master wouldn’t let her in on it. Seemed sort of unfair.” He looked down at the box again, and then reached for his leather jacket. As he shoved the box into one of the pockets, he said, “You know what? When this is over, I’m gonna try and get out. Maybe meet a girl. Have kids. Hell, even go to church. I don’t … feel for the Black Dragons any more.”
Kieran blinked stupidly at Sven, who refused to look up from his jacket. “That’s impos-”
“Right.” Rick joined them. “The master said the pick-up’s getting here real soon, so straighten up, ladies. Just hand the box over and jump in the back of the truck. That simple enough for you?”
“How long’s the ride?”
“Excuse me?”
“I gotta take a leak, alright? I don’t wanna be bursting the whole ride home. Hey, sod it. The bushes will do.” Kieran turned his back on Rick and sauntered off towards the thickest clump of bushes. Bushes which looked more like twisted clumps of barbed wire than the lush, thick leaved ones he was used to in England. Hell, they certainly symbolised the cruelty of this dying, godforsaken place.
“Kieran, get back here. The master said no one should wander off anywhere. He wants all of us to wait for the pick-up together.”
“Yeah, and they can wait for me, okay?” Kieran turned back around and nailed Rick with a hard stare. The man growled in frustration and turned away. Kieran took that as a ‘yes’. “Hey, Sven,” he called out. “Could I borrow your jacket?”
“What for?”
“I’ve gotta have toilet paper.”
Sven’s nose crinkled in disgust. “Go to hell.”
“Just messing with you.” Kieran tried to keep from laughing. “But seriously, I don’t care if it’s only over there. You got one in your jacket pocket?” ‘One’ A.K.A a gun. If you went anywhere without the thing, someone was bound to nail you between the eyes.
“Yeah…” Sven was still suspicious, but like a good little boy, he balled the jacket up and tossed it to Kieran. “Left pocket.”
“Thanks,” Kieran grunted, feeling the familiar shape through the leather. “Owe you one.”
“Make it up to me later, baby,” Sven replied with a stage wink, making Kieran laugh.
“Sure thing, Honey.”
As Kieran disappeared behind the bush, Sven spotted a cloud of orange dust rising on the horizon. Something metal caught the sun, blinding him briefly. His curse caught Rick’s attention.
“’Bout bloody time,” he muttered, joining Sven while he automatically touched the gun hanging at his hip. “I’m about to go crazy in this heat.”
The drone of an engine got louder and louder as the pick-up car drove towards them. Several dark-skinned ‘guards’ stared out of the windows at them, their gazes hostile and their hands resting on impressive rifles. Sven thought he saw one with long, tangled hair, but that was impossible with this heat.
A slightly pink-skinned man lazily opened a car door and stepped out, his sandals crunching on the orange ground. Hearts suddenly pounding, Rick and Sven looked into the watchful, pale eyes of Leo.
As Kieran’s trousers hit his ankles, he became aware that on the other side of the bush, something had gone very, very wrong. A familiar burst of sound reached his ears and made the blood in his veins turn to ice. Gunshots.
But that was impossible. Only the pick-up was meant to know where they were, and if it was the pick-up then surely Leo would have kept the situation from turning dangerous? Yet if that was true, then why the hell was Kieran jumping like a cat caught in the middle of a bunch of firecrackers?
“Holy mother of-” Sven was shrieking, but not for long. Another round of gunshots and the sound cut off.
“Oh Christ. Christ, Christ, Christ,” Kieran gasped, feeling the ground he was standing on tip and spin. His mind fogged up and he couldn’t quite track his motions, or what was really happening. There was more hoarse shouting and another, fierce round of fire. Rick? Maybe he had gotten behind Sven’s boulder and was holding them off. On his own. Whatever the hell had happened to the pick-up? This was an assassination.
Kieran’s breath came out in shallow gasps. He jacked up his trousers, not wanting to get nailed in the ass. That simple act took too much effort, as his fingers were sticks of lead and his strength nonexistent.
The mist in his mind began to fog up his vision, and soon the ground knocked the breath from his lungs as he collapsed, unable to balance when the ground wobbled so much.
He shook his head, fighting for control. He was going into shock; he knew the signs. Quick breathing, confusion, dizziness, feeling weak… Hell, he was scoring high with this tick-list.
With numb fingers, he reached for the jacket Sven had given him. He couldn’t be a sitting duck. He needed to do something. Damn, the gun. The gun. Where was the bloody gun?
His heart kicked and jerked in his chest like a bucking bull. Gun shots still rung out, making Kieran feel like it was a chilly fifth of November rather than an oven of a day in Hell.
Finally his fingers wrapped around something smooth and firm. Kieran drew it out to find he was holding the box Sven had put in his jacket.
A stone was not what he needed right now.
Unfortunately, the clasp on the box sprung open and the amber-coloured stone practically leapt to freedom. When his curse sounded louder than it was, Kieran realised silence had fallen.
Rick hadn’t lasted behind that boulder.
He squeezed his eyes shut as his fist closed around the stone. Sven had wanted to get out of the game. Sven had wanted-
“There is no stone here,” screeched a high, shrill voice.
“When you find Kieran, you will find the stone.” The menace that came from the other voice was like the blast of cold air. Similar to the kind that hit you in the face when you opened a freezer. Shivers rolled down Kieran’s back like icy water as he realised who had spoken.
Leo.
Kieran’s grip on the stone tightened, and he squeezed his eyes shut even more. He could feel the tentacles of Leo’s mind reaching out, finding Kieran. They wrapped around him until Kieran couldn’t move, could barely think. In his mind’s eye, Kieran saw Leo come around the bush and stare down at him with those pale, soulless eyes. Snake eyes, watching their prey emotionlessly. Even though Kieran wasn’t religious, he found himself praying frantically, lost in terror and despair. Please, God. Take me to another place. Help me. Please, get me out of here.
A thrumming sound started to hum in his ears. If his eyes had been open, Kieran would have seen an amber light envelope him. It steadily grew brighter and brighter until it competed against the African sun.
As the light engulfed him, a single thought ran around his mind.
Take me to another place…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Ohh, so part (0) was the prologue. I like how you've linked these two parts together by the subtle mention of Vara.
As said previously, your style of writing is brilliant in that there's a perfect balance between description, action, speech, that kind of thing. The sentences and paragraphs are varied, and it all knits together smoothly.
The thing that I did notice was that the narrative voice wasn't completely consistent in this part. At the beginning it still seems quite light, whereas later on the swearing and careless tone tends to come in. For example, compare:
"...the fringes of the desert he and his two accomplices now waited in..."
-to -
"...confusion, dizziness, feeling weak… Hell, he was scoring high with this tick-list..."
I think for this particular scene the careless tone works really well, you just need to tweak the beginning to make it consistent all the way through.
And on to part (2)
Well, wow Emma Jane. Seriously. Do NOT stop writing this piece, I'll go review everything you have. You can also go in other forums named 'will review for food'. I know I'm a sucker for starting stories from scratch and I'm sure others do that too.
Now, this chapter was beautifully written and very visual for me. I loved the similies and analogies, like the bucking bull, very nicely written.
Personally, I'm quite all right with prefaces/prologues. It usually ties in well, if it's well intergrated in the story, of course. I have to assume at this point that the little boy who holds out his hand to Vera is Kieran and I can't wait to see the relationship between these two.
Also, like someone else mentioned, I loved how you showed the easygoing relationship between the friends in so short of time. When Sven cried out, so did out (scared the crap out of my fiancé, by the way! LOL)
Well, great piece and I'd still like you to send me the link to the -2nd- chapter, as per the PM I sent you. Can't wait to read the second chapter!!
Tanya
Heya! Here to review... duh.
I'm not certain about this, but I think you should capitalize master. Then it will be Master. I'm not to sure though...
Haha... Yeah. I'm a child.
This sounded a bit better with some different punctuation.
Luckily for you, I like cursing in a story. I'm bad like that... It might bother some people though, just a warning.
Haha... I love it...
Ha, I liked this! My only issue was that there were a lot of commas used.
I liked this whole bush thing, for some reason!
Haha! Ever so amusing...
You don't need the first comma here.
Nice simile!
I liked the simile here as well! It was worded a bit awkwardly though. Maybe you could rephrase it to make it easier to understand?
I really like what you're saying here. I just think that it's written a bit awkwardly. Once again, maybe try rephrasing it? I think it's because there are a lot of commas.
This sentence was a bit long, especially considering it counted as a paragraph!
I like this ending!
Overall
I was very much impressed with this! Although the story was kind of confusing, I really liked the idea. It's original and as far as I can tell, there isn't another story like this. Not one that I've read, anyway. Your characters all seemed interested and I liked how you used cursing. Cursing is good...
My main critique about this is that your phrasing can sometimes be awkward. That's okay though, it's not a hard problem to solve. I pointed out most areas where I thought the phrasing was awkward. Unsurprisingly, awkward phrasing creates an awkward flow. When the flow of a story is awkward, it definitely puts readers off. Don't worry though, most of your sentences are fine! I just found the odd sentence here and there that sounded kind of awkward to me. All that you really need to do is read over your work and try to figure out what doesn't sound very right. It's actually quite a hard thing to do. You have to read over your work very, very carefully to notice awkward phrases in your own work. I'm confident that you can do it well though!
My only other negative comment is the fact that this was a tad bit confusing for me. That might be slightly connected to the awkward phrases. The main reason for this though, I think, is because we don't really know much about the characters. I got that they were in Africa, but why? Where they there for work? Plus, who is The Master? Who are the guys fighting your MC's? Questions like these need answers! If you're going to answer these questions in the second chapter, that's okay. You just need to make sure that you do answer these questions within the next few chapters. You don't have to literally tell me your characters life stories, just enough information for us readers to feel connected with them. In fact, giving the reader too much information is just annoying. All you need to do is make sure that you are a bit more vivid about things.
Other than these little issues, this really was very well written! I hope I've helped somewhat. Sorry if I've only repeated what's already been said. I was too lazy to read the other reviews... guilty as charged!
I'm not going to get to your second chapter right now, I want to review someone else's request now. I promised them I'd do it as soon as possible! I'm pretty sure that I'll get to the second chapter of this eventually though!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Nice.... me likey. I don't have time so I'll just say this... good job!
Yup. C: But this one's larger. And doesn't go anywhere near school settings.
As for Kieran's reaction ... that needs work, I admit. ): Kieran was meant to be going into shock, and Leo has something to do with it too. ;D Further explanation later on! ...A lot later on...
(: Thanks for the review!!
All right. I see you kept your story's prologue the same but changed your first chapter. I had read the original first chapter you had did, where it was something about a guy or a girl in the park meeting this stranger. Or something to that affect.
Although it's definitely not in the same direction as before, I like it. It seems very realistic to me the way the characters react, talk and so on.
My only nit-pick would be how...defenseless Kieran acts. These guys are supposed to know how to use guns, and whatever else they do, yet when he finds himself without a gun, he doesn't even attempt anything. Normally he'd get some kind of an adrenaline kick and would try to make himself some sort of weapon, or grab a rock or something. I don't believe he would just hide there, knowing he would be found somehow. I'd suggest maybe that he thinks of using the stone as a close encounter weapon or something to that effect.
Anyways, that's all I had to say. Great chapter, I really enjoyed it, and you can PM me if you want me to review your next chapter
Thank you both for taking the time to review! (: And thank you for your suggests, Kara. I've edited it now and I can't help feeling it's a lot better. (: Thanks! ...It's also been joined with another idea I'd started, because they go together perfectly. So if you see a prologue that's why. (:
I think that it was very good and extreamly well-written. It was very good and you should totally continue it. I'm thinking that it should be chapter one. Prolouges are generally and short story that have something to do with your story but is not from the point-of-view of your main character. I assume that you are going to keep the same character, and so I say Chapter one. If not, then you can use prolouge. It was very good and I really liked it. Please PM me when the next part come out. Keep working on it. This has a lot of potential!!!
Comments in red.
Interesting. I like the characterization and how you showed us the bond between the three men in such a short amount of time.
Honestly I don't like the whole I-found-a-magical-object plot but that's a personal preference. So no problem there.
Dialogue isn't very stilted and I adore the voice that shines through in this piece. However, you might want the readers to stick with Kieran first. Although the POV shift was gradual, it was still there and I didn't really like it.
Entirely my opinion, nothing here is definitive. PM me if you have any questions about this review.
Sincerely,
Kara