Published January 16, 2010
Preface
“Vara’s stupid! Vara’s stupid! Stupid, stupid Vara!”
Hands joined hands, forming an unbreakable circle which revolved around Vara in a cruel dance. Faces became blurred and indistinguishable, clothes nothing more than drab splashes of colour blending into one another. Her tormenters’ glee was evident as they spun faster and faster, and sung louder, clearly enjoying this game.
Vara slipped to the ground, hugging her grazed knees to her chest as she stared at the sky, watching the darkening clouds roll over her and the sniggering children. The anguish in her eyes and the sparkle of a single tear was enough to incite them to continue.
“Stupid, little Vara! Stupid, little Vara!”
Their cruel laughter surrounded her, suffocating her like the heavy water of the river. Sometimes they found her there and they would play a different game. One they liked to call ‘Fishy Vara’. They would hold her underwater and chortle as she thrashed and screamed, desperate to drag air into her burning lungs. Then all of sudden they would disappear, already bored of the game, and leave her gagging and choking on the riverbank, terrified of their return.
Like now. There was one final burst of laughter before they let go of each other’s hands and scattered like birds disturbed by a cat. The cat came in the form of raindrops as they fell from the sky like tears. They chased the children away until Vara was left with only the sound of the rain pattering against the ground.
Vara didn’t mind the rain. It kept the children away more than the elders ever could, despite their threats and scoldings towards her tormentors. The rain didn't ask questions, or call her stupid, or try to teach her to read. It just washed her feelings away, until she was empty, no longer a person, no longer an orphan, no longer Stupid Vara. Until she was just existing, not living.
Until she was nothing.
“Vara.”
She blinked back the tears that blurred her vision and saw a boy her age standing not that far away. He didn’t seem to mind the rain either; he wasn’t running away and seeking shelter like the other children. He was just watching her with his serious, brown eyes.
His hand was held out to her, waiting and expectant, a silent offer to help her to her feet.
Vara gazed up at him, softening at his act of kindness. She never received sympathy from anyone her age, and was torn between relief and weariness. She was right to be uncertain, for his face was one she had not glimpsed around the village before, despite the pathetic size of Hujulin Kal. Recently, she had noticed no one welcomed strangers anymore. In fact, new faces were rarely seen. Not only that, but a few of the children played this trick on her sometimes. One would talk to her and distract her with kindness, while the others would creep up behind her and drop worms down the back of her dress. So Vara had learned the hard way to shy away from gentleness.
Yet his eyes ... they were so unwavering, so compelling, so trustworthy...
She grabbed his hand.
Almost at once, a pain like fire began to spread up her arm. Agony she had never felt before tightened its grip on her until she couldn’t even scream. Her eyes rolled like rocks tumbling down a hillside as she slumped to the wet ground, succumbing to the claws of the reaching darkness.
The last thing she saw was the boy pulling his hand away, a tiny little picture of a black dragon scratched on his wrist.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,743 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here to review your novel
To start, I honesty wasn't expecting this piece to be as good as I found it. It's brilliantly written, it has a nice balance to it that is quite hard to find in general writing. When I started reading I was immediately swept into the story, and unfortunately, found little to be critical about.
The only thing I have to comment on is that the bullying of the children does seem incredibly violent. Generally children that violent have been rewarded at some point for displaying that kind of behaviour. If the adults are on her side, and this is a small community where the children would probably be more carefully watched over, where would they have picked it up?
"There was one final burst of laughter before they let go of each other’s hands and scattered like birds disturbed by a cat. The cat came in the form of raindrops as they fell from the sky like tears." - Use of similes is really good for both explanation and imagery, but using too many or putting them too close together has the complete opposite effect, and will probably make the meaning seem much more vague.
Quick question: This is labelled part (0), would that be the first chapter or the prologue? It could work as either, depending on part one, which I will now move on to review.
Hey, it's been a while. Just to let anyone who still wants to read this know that I've combined this with another idea, so I have a different first chapter. Here's the link to it. Also, Clara has been changed to Vara, and the other first chapter is deleted.
(:
Sorry it's taken me so long to thank you all - I've been out of the country for a while. Holiday.
Really? Can you be sure of that? I know of one extreme scenario where two children, aged ten and eleven at the time, attacked two other children - dropping a sink on the head of one of their victims. Here's the article if you want to read it. WARNING: It's not pleasant reading. It's just to show not all children are sweet and innocent things.TreeHugger12 - Both Clara and the other children don't have exact ages, they are somewhere between six and ten. Clara's probably closer to the six marker, and the others are closer to the ten one.
But thank you for the review and for questioning certain aspects! It keeps me on my toes and stops me from getting too lazy.
TigerShaard and skutter11 - thank you for your comments! Skutter - Do you mean the story should be developed or the introduction? I shall certainly be expanding on this idea, if that's what you mean. Although, perhaps not so much in the traditional fantasy set-up I've used here. Shaard - Thanks! ^^ I'll try and keep on writing this, but certain other projects are also demanding my attention at the same time.
nativecatcher- I think you just made my head expand to, like, three times its normal size. C: Ha, thanks for the lovely review.
WritingSpitfire - Thanks Spitfire! I'll keep you posted. At the moment I'm still working on chap three, and progress may be slow for quite a while due to the amount of work I've been given recently. ): Fun times.
Again, sorry for the amount of time it's taken me to thank all of you. But every word is appreciated!
~Emma
Wow, this is really good! I loved the flow of your writing, and everything seemed to really chain-in together perfectly.
I also liked the story base, how ever short it was. Enough to give us some info, but enough to leave us wondering. Again, really good.
I'm curious about the rest of the story, so I'll keep reading if there is ore, if not PM me for the rest.
I think that this a good introduction to a story that can be developed
Your story was so awesome. I could imagine the ENTIRE scenario and feel the characters, and feeling and I really want to know what happens next and who the mysterious boy is.Your story was unbelievable I can not even describe how fantastic,amazing, and extraordinary.......
This was amazing!! Seriously, I have nothing bad to say. I just wanted to tell you, it really is awesome. Keep writing!
~Shaard
Yes i was wondering how old these bullies were when I read the part about plunging Clara underwater... Unless this is a place ravaged by war or as hero stated, a "spartan community", kids wouldn't be that violent. But overall its great!!! PM me when you publish the next installment.
BenFranks! Thank you for your lovely comment! ^^ Fantasy fiction is amazing.
You should definitely read more. C:
Drago101! Aw, thank you too! The village will be briefly explained later on... (: And Clara didn't actually receive any physical burns, it was just a metaphor to express the pain she was feeling. Maybe I should change it...
Oh, and I've posted Chapter One!
~Emma
Now that was a wonderful chapter. I absolutely love fantasy, and I can say if this was a book at a store I would buy it without a second thought.
The black dragon part intrigued me. I can't wait to see the effects of this burn she received. I do, however, want to know more about the village and those who live there.
How do the villagers make money? How are the children treated by adults? What are the expectations for children? Great story, keep it up.
Hey there!
I rarely go onto fantasy fiction so what a delight it was to be treated with something like this when I did! I think your characters have already provoked personal responses so it's kind'a captivating. I also love the language.
The ending is excellent.
I want to read more! Post more! XD
Keep up the writing and thanks for introducing me to fantasy fiction!
Ben
Oh. My. Gosh. O.O Thank you all for your comments! It was a wonderful surprise!
Brii, Wolfdaemon, Durriedog, Legendaryrose, and giantslenate09 - Aw thanks so much, guys. Your comments were so nice. PS, sorry for bullying you into reviewing this Bryoneee!
Ranger Hawk, Thanks! I was worried that perhaps I had been too descriptive, and thus made it harder to read and not so clear. So thanks for that! ^^
Big_Cheesy_Grin - I should read some more of Pratchett! I've only read his children's books, I think. Everyone keeps recommending him. But thanks for the comment!
Hero! I found your advice very valuable, as I too hate it when that happens in stories. They make me want to reach through the book and slap them, or at least let the bullies triumph over them - which is the opposite to how the reader should be thinking.
Anyway, the bullies and lack of family make it easier for her to never want to return to Hujulin Kal. Also, the fact that it is indeed a somewhat primitive community makes her detest it even more later on. The children bully her for not only being unable to read and write, but because she's "different". The adults are able to deal with the anxiety her presence creates, but the children are unable to quell it, or know better, and so bully her so she doesn't stay close to them.
PS, how did you know Clara isn't the heroine?
Thanks everyone!
~Emma
I really like the story and hope you write more soon.
very good, i love the story. u am, as i often admit, bad at grammar reviews, soo, i am just saying this on the story part, i REALLY liked it.
Okay, so I'll give a little reviewette, or something.
-Characters
Clara: I was getting ready to hate her, I don't know why. Limyaael once said that angsty heroines who are bullied and so very 'Oh pity me' are detestable, and I am inclined to agree. The fact that she is not the heroine makes me feel relief.
Bullies: Didn't Karsten once make a point about how bullies in fiction are the Bad Guys, with nothing to redeem them? I'd like to know the age of these children, because they do seem quite violent in the case of Fishy Clara, and why they bully her for being that stupid (you tell us that she doesn't read... anything else?)... and of course, where the heck are the adults? Is this a Spartan community where 'survival of the fittest' is the rule, and bullying is good?
-Ending Twist: Superb; really want to read more.
i really liked it! nice style of writing!
Wow! This is really brilliant! Please do continue and keep me posted!!!!!! Sorry that I don't really have a review for you, but everything worth saying has already been said.
Keep writing!
~Durrie
I enjoyed your first chapter. It was really short though. I love how you showed how bad clara's life was with everyone making fun of her. Then the sympathy of a boy her age was false that caught me off guard. I had to read it twice to understand it fully to make sure i didnt forget anything. I love your ending. Keep up the good work!:)
Well, Fantasy isn't my usual haunt - stupid, I know, not less so because I'm a huge Pratchett fan. But I loved this, I really started to feel for Clara. I want to get to know her. I can't wait to read more of this! Also, your little boy with the black dragon has me intrigued.
Hey there! I think your story is really well-written. I could imagine everything very clearly and I'm already feeling for Clara; your bullying scenes were easy to picture. I really liked your descriptions of how she feels about the boy, her softening towards him even though she doesn't know him, and then what happens to her once she touches him. There was nothing grammatical or spelling-wise that I noticed that I could nitpick on.
Well done, I'm looking forward to reading more. 
aww i love it <3
gold star for you!
that was so good emma! well done
couldn't find anything to pick out this time but...oh well
ok, well, i'm off to review the next one. But i think this one's my favourite so far
xxx
Thank you Bluepetra and Kinla! I've edited it now, everyone. Please tell me what you think! I mean, can you tell I've just added that part on? Does it differ in any negative way? Does it make you more willing to find out what'll happen next?
...Twenty questions-R-us, I know, ha, yeah...
Thank you guys! You're all amazing!
Hiya!
That was a really good piece!
The emotion was so vivid, so in your face. I also loved the description! The way you made the rain her "friend" of sorts, really connected with me. My only question is is there more? I'd love to hear her whole story, perhaps you could write about where she comes from, how she became an orphan, etc...
I'll be sure to check out your portfolio to see if you have anything else.
Two thumbs up!
carelessaussie13 - Thank you. ^^ As for the jagged line, do you mean what the children are saying or the description following it?
Meadow - Thank you also! I know, it's not totally intriguing, I guess I was subconsciously writing it as more of a character background than an actual prologue. Oops. So, I'll edit this [sometime] and include new ideas to make it edgier. (:
And the children target her because she can't read or write but they can. Also - cliche, cliche - they sense she's "different".
Thank you both for reviewing!
Hiya Emma!
Ugh, I hate bullies. Really, I think little children have got to be some of the worst bullies 'cause sometimes they just don't understand what they're doing is actually cruel.
This was an interesting piece, but it doesn't reveal too much of what your story is about. I assume it is going to be about Clara, but really I didn't get a grasp of what it's going to be about and I don't feel the need to continue reading on to the next chapter.
However, with that being said, you have excellent description and I enjoy how you revealed the fact that Clara was an orphan. But I still don't understand why the children call her stupid and targeted her.
Also, the first sentence of your first paragraph is a little awkward. I would try to reword it so it flows smoother. Other than that, that's all I could really find.
This has plenty of potential, so I can't wait to see what you come up with after.
Meadow
Aw man, was this ever awesome! I truly loved it. I loved how you never really took time to explain Clara's situation, but by the end of the piece I felt like I knew something about her life: illiterate, orphaned, living in a village sort of environment. I totally empathized with her, and I felt like I knew her. The flow of the piece was great. Really, I have absolutely nothing bad to say, except that the first line was a bit jagged, rhythm-wise. You might want to look at that. Otherwise, brilliant job. Bravo!
PM me if you post more, mkay?