Return
She first appeared to me when I was nine.
I was dreaming I was wandering in the middle of a golden field. The surrounding sea of corn waved lazily in the soft breeze. My small, young hand ran over their ordinary yet beautiful heads as if they were made from gold and not the nutrients of the earth. I think I smiled. This was a magical dream.
Then someone called my name.
I looked up, tearing my wide, innocent eyes from the beautiful sight before me, and saw a young woman hurrying towards me. She saw my alarmed glance and desperately outstretched one of her hands, begging me not to turn away. She did not seem to fit in with the rest of my dream. The surrounding scenery was bright and sparkling; she was grey and her clothing was nothing more than dull, brown rags. Properly washed, her hair would have been golden – like the gold of the meadow we both were in – and not that drab brownish colour. But what stood out the most was the expression on her black-streaked face. She looked as if she had witnessed hell and discovered that was where she was to remain forever. I would never forget, even at the age of nine, her look of utter horror.
Her lips parted, moved, formed words which reached me on the whistling wind: “A child.”
That was about the time when I suddenly woke. The early morning sunlight streamed into my eyes, hurting them. I looked wildly around my untidy bedroom, searching for her pale face. Despite my relief, I was not comforted when I couldn’t find it. I felt she was waiting for me, hiding behind the lids of my eyes when I closed them. It was warm in my room, but my terror seeped like ice-cold water deep into my very bones. I pulled my duvet up to my chin, not only because I was so cold but also for some feeble protection. Tensely, I awaited her return. Hours slid into days. Days into weeks. Weeks into months. And finally, months into years.
Nine years later, she reappeared.
٭ ٭ ٭
“Miss. Robins, I would appreciate it if you stayed awake during my lessons.” The dry, humourless voice of Mr. Shank pulled me from my sweet dreams with a hard yank. I jerked my head up from my folded arms to see him looming over me, fixing me with a disapproving stare. The class tittered at my expense.
“I-I’m sorry,” I stuttered, my cheeks flaming, “I-I didn’t mean…” I trailed off, my sluggish thoughts unable to find a good enough excuse.
“Not good enough,” he stated in a crisp, clear voice – almost as clear as the fact he had already decided my punishment. Sure enough he added: “Detention. Wednesday night.”
I tried not to groan. Mr. Shank’s detentions were infamous for being the most tedious and soul destroying waste of time anyone’s imagination could ever conceive. And I had just got myself one. Perfect.
I frowned and wrestled with my lips to keep them from pouting as he turned and strode back to the front of the classroom, ready to resume the enthralling lesson which sent me to sleep in the first place.
Next to me, Maya leaned close. Her eyes were fixed on the front of the classroom as she whispered to me: “I thought you were done for.”
I sent her a glare. “If you hadn’t noticed I just got a detention.” At her blank look I added: “From Mr. Shank.”
She shrugged, not at all sympathetic. Well, she wasn’t the one who’d have to stay behind on Wednesday and share his riveting company.
“You could have at least warned me,” I grumbled, turning back to see Mr. Shank writing something on the board.
“I did!” she protested, insulted. “You wouldn’t wake up. Anyway, it’s your own fault for falling asleep in the first place.” And with that she turned her attention to front of the classroom, literally giving me the cold shoulder.
I sighed and started to copy down whatever Mr. Shank was writing.
I did not fall asleep because of Mr. Shank; well, I suppose he was partly responsible. Last night I hardly had any sleep. The reason being I had a nightmare. Of her. Her face was exactly as I remembered it. She did not look horrified, she looked… No, I can’t describe her expression – it was made up of too many different emotions. I had noticed something else about her I am not sure I saw when she first appeared. She was beautiful. Delicate, aristocratic features. High, golden eyebrows arched over eyes as blue and beautiful as gems. Her skin was smooth and unflawed, even if it was grey. Her hair was long but still the same dull brown colour. Tall and slim, and not that much older than I was, she would have turned everyone’s heads.
What was she doing in my dreams? I didn’t know her, didn’t recognise her as someone I’d seen when I was awake. I knew she wasn’t something my imagination had made up, she was real. She had once been alive.
I frowned. How did I know that? She’d only said three words to me: my name, and ‘a child’. So why did I assume she was dead? A crazy thought, but I knew deep down I was somehow right.
How was that for an excuse? So sorry, sir, last night I had a nightmare of a dead person calling my name and I couldn’t get back to sleep. That’s why I’m so tired in your lesson. I didn’t think he would believe me, no matter how frightened I was. And I was terrified. For all I knew she was the Grim Reaper’s prettier replacement and was coming for me. Death was calling to me. That was a thought powerful enough to stop you from leaving your house forever, let alone stop you from falling asleep lest It swoops down upon your vulnerable, dreaming soul.
Great. I doubted I would ever go back to sleep. I was doomed to only falling asleep in Mr. Shank’s exciting lessons and forever receiving Wednesday detentions as punishment for catching a second’s worth of shut-eye. Although I had only seen her twice, I feared and hated this young woman. I hated her because of the fear she stirred in me. I feared her because I knew nothing about her and I was left only with my imagination. An imagination that made me wish I was without it. Well, perhaps I was wrong in thinking I knew nothing. I knew one thing. I knew she would not wait another nine years before reappearing once more.
I knew she would come back.
Soon.
٭ ٭ ٭
End of chapter
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140,296 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
OOOOOOOOO
I loved this piece! Very well done! It was moving and real and lots of big words that I can't think of that are very good things
I hope to see more of it!
Keep up the amazing work!!
-Irish
Okay. I really liked this story. I didn't read any of the other reviews so if I repeat anything I'm sorry.
FIRST OF ALL: 'I dreaming I was wandering in the middle of a golden field'.
THIS MAY NOT BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU WROTE 'Next to me, Maya leaned close to me'
RUN-ONS Run-ons annoy me so much. 'I knew she wasn't something my imagination had made up, she was real, she had once been alive'. And there is this one,
The tenses thing was a little strange but I didn't dislike it enough to complain.
This is super good but the way it sounds to me when I read was like you trying to hurry it up. I would consider rephrasing it.
The repetition of the word me stuck out like a sore thumb. It was hard for me to read this sentence because of that repetition.
'I did not fall asleep because of Mr. Shank, well, I suppose he was partly responsible, last night I hardly had any sleep'.
Over all it was good! I liked it a lot. I would like to read more.
P.S. Sorry if I came off kind of mean in my review.
Nice work. Let me say though that she wouldn't necessarily know that her eyes are wide and innocent or other features of her appearance. I would say relay that information in a scene where she looks at herself in the mirror. Anyways, these are, of course just opinions. You can totally disregard them. It's your story, write it however you wish. Btw, if you ever get a chance check out Willow in the fantasy section. That's my work. Pick it apart if you want. Thanks.
Hey Emma, I loved this story and how you decided to throw a mysterious woman in a young girl's dream. I wanted to hear more, because I'm just enjoyed this first chapter. One thing that did not make sense to me though was the title "I need you to write" I hope you make that clear in the following chapters. Write more ok, good job!
_Chase_A._spann-Hala22-;)
Thank you all for your lovely (and helpful) comments!
Thank you!
I am determined to get this finished, but it's moving slowly
Emma
xx
Hey Jane. Can I call you Jane?
I just wanted to let you know that I liked this piece a lot. I see you've already gotten many reviews just like the one I'm writing now: It's amazing, yadda, yadda. But you've written something creative and interesting, so I felt that I owed you.
Just one thing that you could improve with this (there's probably many other nitpicks, but I'm kind of tired and I was too into the story to notice): Your MC has a tendency to babble a little too much. Maybe that's who she is, but you could cut back on the extra little details we don't need to know. Oh, and as another reviewer pointed out, there are too many "I" statements. Show, don't tell.
And that's it. Keep writing, girl. I see that you've posted some other chapters. If I have time I'll try to take a look at them.
Your friend,
KJ
Overall i thought this piece was very interesting. I love how the first line is so dramatic. It really draws you in. One thing i wasn't to crazy about was how you have no idea what the character's name is. I think you should put that in somewhere. Can't wait to read more!
Emerald
I love it. You are an amazing writer. I hope I can be as good as you are.
Good luck on your writing!
hey.
I know that tthis isn't one of those
super long reviews
where people point out
every little
mistake
but i will
tell you how i truely feel
with out the burdon
of those changes
I really like
the whole thing
it interested me
and now i want to read more
so off i swoop
to the next
forum
Well done. I loved the way you started the piece off. I personally think that a beggining paragraph is one of the hardest things to accomplish, because those are the lines that draw you in to begin with. And you have done a great job.
I felt it could have been lengthened a little... mostly due to the fact that i didn't really get a decent glimpse into the characters personality. I would say she might be lazy, but she was only asleep because of the dream, so its very open ended at this point.
Overall, i think that the piece was very well written, and I will defintely read the next chapters.
Good story! I need to keep my reviews up so here's the stuff.
"I was dreaming I was wandering in the middle of a golden field. The surrounding sea of corn waved lazily in the soft breeze. My small, young hand ran over their ordinary yet beautiful heads as if they were made from gold and not the nutrients of the earth. I think I smiled. This was a magical dream."
Great job! I like all the great adjectives you used. Just one thing. Instead of "I think I smiled", I would have put "I think that I smiled." Just seems to make more sense to me.
"-almost as clear as the fact he has already decided my punishment."
I would have said, "-clear like he had already decided my punishment."
Also I have a small problem with the tenses. It seems you switched from past to present tense and that sometimes doesn't work very well. But if that's part of your story then by all means I'd like to see how it unfolds!
Keep up the good work!
Hi, I couldn't find one mistake, not that I was looking properly I was so caught up in the story, it's amazing. Sorry I can't give more than that but constructive criticism is kind of impossible in this piece.
Will read more soon, See if I can pick up anything then,
Miriam
This as very good.
The way u switched between present and paste didn't really go well with me though.
But as whole this was great.
Wow. I really liked that. Maybe it's just me, because I'm totally interested in being contacted through dreams (I found it pretty funny that I've had similiar experiences to what this girl feels, accept mine are happy, and I can't wait to see the young woman I see in my dreams, where are apposed to this girl who hates the young woman she sees).
) then I think the sentence kind of makes the field harder to picture, it confused me.
"I was dreaming I was wandering in the middle of a field consisting of golden corn waving lazily in the soft breeze."- I think this sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe consider rephrasing it. An idea I just thought of was something like this "I dreamed I was wandering in the middle of a golden corn field, waving lazily in the soft breeze." Just a suggestion.
"My small, young hand ran over the ordinary yet beautiful heads of corn as if they were made from gold and not the nutrients of the earth" - I liked this but, I felt that it kind of contradicted itself in a confusing way when you said "ordinary yet beautiful heads of corn". To me that's like saying "the perfectly normal corn, that is so beautiful"... unless someone thinks corn is amazingly beautiful (totally possible yet, corn only rates pretty on my scale
I liked the plot. You kept me interested throughout the whole thing. I'm going to read Chapter 2 now; can't wait to read more!
This was a wonderful piece! I love it! It has an amazing plot(So Far
). Well, on to the review!
This seems like a bit of a run-on to me. Perhaps a period after "I was dreaming" Like "I was dreaming. I wandered through an expanse of golden corn waving lazily in the soft breeze." But, remember, that was just a suggestion, so if you can think of some better way ot seperate that sentance, please do so.Heya people! Thank you all so much for your reviews - seriously they have all been great. And as you can probably tell from the number of times I've edited this piece I do take them on board. So any little thing.
Okay, if there are any odd sentences - not the "one thing isn't true" 'cause I removed that one lol, thanks for bringing it to my attention by the way - I mean like different tense. After Rosey Unicorn and Master_Yoda pointed it out, it did sound sharp so I decided to change it all to past tense. I had already done pages and pages in future tense so I didn't make this decision lightly. So if you spot the odd "wrong tense" word or line please tell me, because I am absolutely rubbish at seeing errors and misspellings. I've probably made about a million in this little comment already.
So I'll stop boring you now and finish this.
This was just meant to be a simple 'thank you' lol
All my love,
~ EmmaJane ~
First of all, your first and last lines were AWESOME. Perfect. Do not change them. :P
That said, there were a few little errors that jumped out at me.
You switched tense here - the whole story is in past tense, except for this sentence.
Try splitting this sentence into two - this is a run-on. :)
Again, this is a run-on sentence. Don't be afraid to use those periods!
LOVE this line for some reason.
The voice of this piece is also bothering me just a little bit. It doesn't feel like you're writing from the character's POV; it's more like you're just trying to sound poetic and lyrical. When your telling a story in first person POV, it's not quite the same as just telling the story. It's all about the main character's personality coming through in the descriptions and the narration. Try to capture some of your character's voice in this, and I think it will make this piece even better.
Nice job!
~Sunny
I'm very excited by what could happen with this story! I have absolutely no clue where it is going though... I mean I can guess it has something to do with this mysterious "death", but I have absolutely no clue whether she is going to become a reality, or if she is going to just be the entrance into something bigger. I like how the girls seemed like real girls, the undertones of bitchy friendness, and their slight informal speech. The only thing I would suggest is that you tighten up the wording in the first paragraph, mainly pertaining to the corn and the "I's". I like what I've read so far, please don't procrastinate and not finish it!!!
I'm really really sorry but this piece wasn't for me. I can tell it's very well written but it was way to slow, and i saw no plot. If you have an out line i would really like to read it. (even though its spoiling it.) Sorry i know how much it sucks getting one of these.
But seriously maybe I'll get more into it....I'm going to read some more of this.
I really liked it! I now want to read more. xP But that was fantastic. I love the flow of words, the way it sounded, the way you described. But there was that one line...
Well, maybe one thing isn’t true. I know one thing.
Maybe, 'Well, what I'm thinking might not be true; but I know one thing for sure'. Or something like that.
Good luck!
Emma! i love it
but i agree that one of the lines:
sounds kinda strange...But other than that i think its amazing
So don't tell me i never point anything out to you, and write the next part soon
xxxx
Hey Emma,
On Tenses: As per Rosey's point, I found the switch in tenses to be extremely counter intuitive, and it threw me quite a bit. Even more than this, though: I thought that the first part written in the past tense worked far more for the style of the story than the second bit. The detachment achieved from the third person perspective adds a stylistic element to your story that is virtually non-existent in the second part. I think that the past tense fits your story way more than the present tense does.
On characters: We've seen very little character development at this stage. I don't yet see your persona with a distinct character yet. In fact I think that I could stretch my mind and imagine her as a nerd as well as a popular girl. In fact I might even be able to imagine her as a cheeky little devil. Although the latter is harder to imagine, I think you need to give her a distinct personality by now. The most developed character at this stage is the teacher, and even he is a bit vague.
On setting: I think you've done a fairly solid job here. We know enough to realize it's in a typical school environment. Good job.
On detention for sleeping during class: I would call this a little cliche, but it's your story. Perhaps, though, you want to give him a little more original punishment.
On the idea itself: Very clever. I think you can do a lot with it, and you should have a great story by the end of this. The intrigue you've created is great! 
A pet peeve:
Before I review, I just want to say how much I loved this piece. You managed to capture an atmosphere that is intriguing and mystical. I'd like to point out one or two points that I feel could be changed for the better.
Many stories written in the first person suffer the same problem. When writing from the first person, you want to become the character. This means seeing things that the character would see, and noticing things that the character would notice. This means that you wouldn't account any actions that you do subconsciously, such as sighing, glaring or frowning. This is a minor change that can be made at any point, but I do hope that you take it to heart. It can add so much credibility to a story.
I didn't think this was quite real.
Also, on that note, I wanted to add that while you haven't yet overdone it to such an extent, sometimes the simple word "said" is better than the replacement. This is because the word "said" does not take the reader's attention away from the actual dialogue. If you feel the dialogue needs to move forward, simple will usually do better.
i love the idea of the woman in her dreams at the start of the chapter, maybe you could describe a bit more what she was like, what she was doing, make it a bit longer etc... (i was desperate to know more about her.)
'Nine years later, she reappeared' really caught me and made me read on!
You write brilliantly, i can't wait for more!!
I really like this piece. It held my attention and makes me want to know what's going to happen. I like the flow of it, easy yet intriguing.
My only criticism:
This is kind of confusing to me. It's off in some way. Maybe you could try and word that better.
Great beginning!
Hiya!
Tense: I'm not sure how much I like the switch between past and present tense here. Even though I got used to it about halfway through, part of me just expected this to be past tense after the prologue. It's a nice way to differentiate between the prologue and the first chapter/rest of the work, but I still felt the change was a bit sharp.
Repetition: Just looking over one line, I spotted some unneeded repetition:
The second "me" could stand to be deleted. ^_^
Overall: I really liked this! The style and plot were riviting, and I loved the way you made her nap in class after her second dream. It makes things a bit more fun, since we don't have a retelling of the same dream, just the differences. Nice work!
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Hey!
This is amazing.
I'm not even supposed to be on YWS (stupid exams) but this just caught my eye.
I love it, it's so mysterious.
Sorry i haven't got time for more, but contact me after june 23rd and i'll definitely be up for a chat, and reading the rest of this story!
xx velvet