Just keep walking, she thought, don’t stop. Just keep walking. Don’t turn around; don’t draw attention to yourself. She knew they were watching her but she didn’t want them to know she knew. Keep breathing, nice and even, nice and steady. In, out. In, out. She repeated the mantra over again in her head until she reached her destination. A red door on the left stood out from the usual white ones. This is it; he lives here.
She walked slowly up the stairs to the door, she knew it would be locked but they had given her a key. Coming to her house that night, telling her they knew who she was and what she had done. She couldn’t believe they knew. The agency told her no-one would ever find out.
Focusing on the number beside the door, she knocked. The key just made her nervous, more nervous. A young man answered the door, he was handsome; tall, dark hair with beautiful blue eyes. Just like the photo. She told him who has sent her; he looked a little shocked but let her in. He led her into a beautiful kitchen; white tiles and marble surfaces, then turned around to look at her.
She could back out but how would she explain it. She had to do it. She took a deep breath and reached inside the folds of her long black coat. She pulled out a photo of her holding a baby. “Michael, your parents never lied, they wanted me to tell you face to face. I’m your mother.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hmm, I felt you over used punctuation in here Emma, especially in the second paragraph of which was mainly made up of commas and semi-colons/colons. It made the piece jolt when being read and that was like.. Whoa.
Also, the beginning of the second paragraph, you used the word key too many time I thought and the reptition was a bit.. oh my. Maybe use different words for key? Are there any different words for key? Door opener? XD
Anyhoo, I liked this 'cause it was brimming with suspense and it was like;
"Ooooh, what's gonna happen next? Is it a gunman?"
Although, of course it wasn't, that's what I was like all the way through. My shoulders did that hunched up thing that happens when it's all, what's gonna happen next and I liked stories that make me do this.
Good work.
Firstly..
Capital H, spell check
This is a very good little story, nice idea. You have a style to your writing (like everyone) and i like yours. lol I sound stupid. I am.
Anyhoo, see you at school
Ok, very good for starters. I found this piece intriguing and fascinating, and it could go really far. However, for every paragraph you have, there could almost be a page. It's so short it doesn't really give us much to comment on. However, here are a few of my suggestions:
You switch tenses a lot. here is one example:
it should be lived.
this sentence doesn't really fit with the surrounding phrases. The whole paragraph is confusing, since you are basically saying that somebody said that somebody knew, but she never beleived them anyway, and they gave her a key, and it wasn't her nature to barge in. Lots of ideas that need organizing! Also, make it another paragraph before she knocks. Otherwise it's just one run of ideas that doesn't flow very well.
Other than that, great job for your first post. As I said, it could use some elaboration, but with a little work it could be really good.