Just a little scene of imagery I wrote my English class. Opinions would be awesome! 
She titled her head back, feeling the wind rush over her ears and through her hair. The toes of her bare feet brushed the soft grass quickly as she kicked up, going higher, faster. She opened her eyes and concentrated, counting how many times her lilac-polished toes touched the perfect white clouds in front of her. Far above, the top limbs of the tree shook with a cool breeze, but the sturdy branch remained still, safe. The sun was behind her, beating down hot on her neck.
Shouts and laughter met her ears, and sneakers scuffing pavement, as her brothers’ pick-up basketball game intensified. She kicked again, swinging her spindly, tan legs back and forth. The wind blocked out the game. 16…17…18…19…20. Her legs swung back and forth, taking her higher. The chain creaked rhythmically and she kicked the cloud again…21…22…Her name was called.
She kicked again, higher, faster, punching away the cloud. Adrenaline and carefree bliss rushed through her small body, as she prepared herself to jump. Back, forth, back, forth, back—she held her breath and let go, her arms flung out behind her. And for a single beautiful instant, she was weightless, flying. Cool air swept around her, time was still. Her arms reached for the sky, trying to touch it. Reach, reach—
She landed hard on both feet, the impact with the rough patch of dirt slamming her back into reality and shaking her every limb. She stood still a moment, breathless and awestruck, the world spun ever so slightly. Then she rubbed the bottoms her feet on the legs of her jeans, standing on first one foot, then the other as she wiped her dirty, slightly scraped feet across her shins.
The little girl skipped off, only to return to the same swing the very next afternoon.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hmm...loved the title it caught my eye but this hmm this is BEAUTIFUL
Matthews: Thank you! I believe the numbers were originally in italics, but it changed it. Glad you liked it
Sarah: I know WUTB kind of sucks right now. The first few chapters are rough, but it gets better from about chapter five on. Yes I knoww that's not good, because I should draw readers in before the fifth chapter, but I'm working on it.
Yay! Emily, details! Way to go(: I liked this much better than your other pieces (which I liked for different reasons). This one had feeling. I could feel the character, carefree. The mood was happy and innocent and it was what something like this is supposed to be. I don't doubt at all that you can't write things like this in your other work.There wasn't anything wrong with except I saw one comma splice. I'll let you find this one(; I'll give you a hint it's right before she jumps out of the swing. Good job. (I'm not sure why this is in Narrative Poetry, though) I'd personally love to see imagery like this in some crazy situation in WUTB.
~peanut~
Wow, I really really love this! It's very description, has great imagery and paints a cute picture of childhood bliss. I think you should divide this into paragraphs or stanzas, as it would make it much easier to read though. Anyway, I feel I don't have much anything constructive to say... Maybe you could change the numbers to words, and make them into italics as it's her thoughts. She's counting in her head ' sixteen, seventeen, eighteen,' etc in italics. I don't know. This is something many people can relate to, something that will bring back happy, carefree memories. Great job!!