This is the start to a story I'm thinking of continuing. Feedback needed.
They came in the night. They always came in the night. They could not risk upsetting the peace of everyday life in the streets and raising skepticism from the public. In the night they had cover, more cover then they needed. The always struck quietly, quickly and efficiently. No one could remember a time they had ever failed to finish the job. Her father had been ready for them for quite some time. He had been waiting in the entryway every night for a week, armed and ready to protect his family. He told her not to be afraid but of course she was. Though young, she knew what happened if the police took you in the night. She couldn't sleep that night and was lying awake when she heard the front door open. Immediately her father yelled for her mother to get the children. She heard the sounds of struggle as she sat terrified in her room. She knew she was supposed to hide but was frozen with fear, for her father and for herself. The fighting was loud, louder then the police wanted she knew, and suddenly her mother was screaming in her brother's room next door. Frantic, she finally got out of bed. She walked to her door and peered through the small crack. She watched her father fall and heard her mother scream something that sounded like "Hide!" But it was too late, a large, darkly clad man was coming to her room. Terrified, she stepped back from her door. He burst through without even using the doorknob. Instantly he spotted her and grabbed her. She too began to scream as he carried her out of her room and through the house. He restrained her as her mother was knocked down as well. Her last image of her parents was of them being bound and dragged out of the house and into the night. Not to be seen again.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well before I get too far into this particular piece I'll start off by saying that this particular piece is in desperate need of a couple of paragraphs right here because we've got ourselves a massive ol paragraph here that contains the entire piece which when all put in one sort mixture there makes things a teeny bit difficult to read here. That ends up not being the greatest of combinations here for a prologue especially one of this nature where the flow is important.
Moving beyond the issue there with the formatting, I think you've done quite a solid job with this premise here. Even though in its current state it is a little tough to make out exactly what is happening, from the things that we can in fact make out, it is definitely a pretty intriguing piece right here.
Overall, I'd say you've got a pretty solid piece here. The way you've constructed this scene is quite good and if this was properly split into paragraphs so that it'd be a little easier on the flow, it would certainly turn this into a very effective prologue here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really like it so far. I like how you made it without a lot of description, it makes it more mysterious and made me want to read more. Since this is the prologue you might want it to be a little longer. And if you continue with this will the first chapter going to be years later? This story has a lot of potential and you've written it well. I really hope you continue it.
Hello! I thought I'd stop by like I said I would. ;D
Well, I think the idea is really neat! You could do a lot with this. You've got the creepy, mysterious man and the innocent family. Plus, this is in Other Fiction, so you have countless of opportunities to make this completely and utterly awesome.
However, one thing that makes me wonder is if this is really a prologue. If this is going to be your prologue, beef it up a lot more. Use description, and lead the reader through this terrifying experience. Right now, it's just a boring read. However, reading between the lines, I know this should've been terrifying. My heart should be racing at the end when the MC so quickly and easily lifted by the big, scary stranger in their house. There's not much to your prologue right now, and at this point, your novel can probably do without it. So! Elaborate some more and make it interesting.
Let me know if you need any assistance! You can definitely do a lot with this idea of yours, you just have to sell it!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Interesting.
It's all one paragraph. You need to break it up into smaller parts so it's less intimidating to read.
The action here was good, but there was no description. I don't even know what time or place this is set. Why are the police taking them?
I liked it. A lot.
Do keep writing it.