This is part of the first chapter to a possible storyline I'm working on. Comments and suggestions welcomed!
It was very dark and uncomfortable here. Wherever "here" was. I really had no idea where I was or what had happened. I remembered trying to run away from something but then the darkness came crushing down on me and I couldn't move. Something heavy was on top of me, making it hard to take too deep a breath. I couldn't see anything, no matter which way I turned my head, I could not see even the tiniest sliver of light coming through anywhere. Briefly, I wondered if maybe I should panic but when I thought about it there really was no reason to panic just yet. Then I could hear sounds. Voices mainly. And it sounded like there were a lot of people nearby. Although muffled, I could hear the people yelling pretty clearly and they all seemed to be yelling somebody's name. Why were so many people separated? What had happened? I tried to remember what I had been doing before all this darkness came upon me but nothing came to me. Eventually I stopped racking my brains and decided to keep listening to see if I could maybe determine what exactly was going on.
In addition to the yelling I could hear a wailing noise that I was pretty sure was from sirens. So the police, or firemen or maybe an ambulance was here but why. While trying to come up with any possibility why the emergency response teams might be around me,I came aware of someone moving around near me. The noises seemed to be above me somehow. Realizing I should probably call for help I opened my mouth when someone, or maybe something, grabbed my right ankle.
Until this point I hadn't even realized that my right leg was angled upwards and that my foot was sticking out above me. Whatever had my ankle tightened its grip and yanked. I skidded forward a couple inches over a rough and very uneven surface. My foot got pulled again but this time I only slid a tiny bit before coming to a sudden stop. My ankle gave a popping noise when it got pulled again and whatever was holding me let go.
I could now hear voices above me and though I couldn't quite make out what they were saying, it sounded something like "pull her out". Sure enough I began hearing scraping and dull collision noises from just above me. Whoever was up there was trying to dig me out. As they uncovered whatever was on top of me, more and more light came into my area. I could see what looked like rocks and chunks of wood and cement around me and there appeared to be a large door a few inches above my nose. After a few minutes I could hear the sounds of the people working above me and then a large hand came around the edge of the door.
A male voice said " Hey kid, c'mere and give me a hand." Another set of smaller hands appeared next to the large ones. The two people pulled and after a few moments of silent struggle pried up the door.
I closed my eyes against the sun directly above me. Someone said "We gotta move her. Take her legs." I was lifted out of the small hole where I had previously been and then laid out on the ground nearby.
Someone grabbed my head and turned my face upwards. A voice said. "Megan? Megan?" Was there somebody else here? Megan sounded familiar but I was pretty sure I wasn't Megan. But then again I couldn't really remember my name at the moment. "Megan?" the voice said again and this time someone peeled back my eyelids and I found myself staring at the worried face of a young man.
He called me Megan again but I wasn't listening, I was suddenly aware of burning pain in my knee and an intense migraine. I turned my head away from the bright sun and looked around. I was lying in a wasteland. Remains of buildings were scattered here and there and the ground was covered in bits of wood, metal and concrete that were probably once parts of buildings. Ash and dust covered everything in sight. I felt shocked but also as if I had been expecting this. But how could I have known this was going to happen? I wasn't even sure of my own name.
Again the boy pulled my face up. "Are you all right?" I stared blankly at him wondering who he was. He must have finally understood why I was so confused. Looking stunned he stammered "You... you don't... remember anything."
This time I tried to answer him but I blacked out. As I slipped into unconsciousness I heard what sounded like gunfire and panicked screaming. And in the distance, I heard the thundering sound of bombs being dropped.
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Canary word: Present
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You're great at writing these intense scenes! Is this suppose to be a different version of your story 'Remembering Yesterday'? Because it has the same kind of plot and the main character's name is the same, if it is it's a great beginning for that story line/plot.
Hello there Emeraldcity! I read your story here the other day but didn't have time to tell you what I thought, so here I am again to fill you in
Here we go!
I loved it! I love the idea and the thought, but I have a crazy brain that's always full of ideas. I hope you don't mind, but I'm about to share those ideas with you. I'm also a nitpicker, so I'll point out little things I notice, too. But! It's all just to help you out
The tenses get a little mixed up: here should be there or was should be is. Considering the tense of the rest of the piece I would change 'here' and leave 'was' alone.
I would break this into two sentences, I think it will help with flow and effect. The second sentence, in my opinion, should be : "I couldn't even see the tiniest sliver of light coming from anywhere"
I would also love to see you change 'anywhere' to something more descriptive. For example "the outside world" or "my tight surroundings".
This sentence is awkward. It's the combination of 'briefly', 'maybe', 'really', and 'just yet'. I would omit some of them so that it reads more smoothly. For example "Briefly, I wondered if I should panic, but when I thought about it there was no reason to panic just yet."
I would take out the 'and'
I get a little confused here. Are all the voices yelling different names? How can the character tell people are separated?
Also, I would like to see you switch it up and use a synonym for yelling the second time around, it will make it a more interesting read!
So! As a reader I know the character is in the dark, they're uncomfortable, and I know what they're hearing, but what about their other senses? Is it cold? Does it smell abnormal? Do they feel pain? If not are they numb from shock? Do they taste blood or dirt? When they 'rack' their brain what are the options they come up with? Do they think they're dead? what emotions do they feel? Are they scared, determined, worried?
The words I've underlined I think you should find synonyms for to make the piece a more interesting and mature read. The bold words disagree with the tense: 'this' should be 'that'
You have this as if the character couldn't hear prior, and she could. I think it would be more interesting if you replaced 'pull her out' with a rhyming version that wouldn't make any sense (like 'Cooler spout' or 'tool and route', the character could later put it in perspective and be like 'Duh! they said pull her out!' But, hey, I'm crazy
Again, this is written as if this is the first noise she's heard, but the entire piece so far has really only contained what she's been hearing.
You said pulled again
If she has a leg injury wouldn't this hurt? Wouldn't she be thinking "No! Don't pull on my broken leg you idiots!" That's what I would think.
I really enjoyed this paragraph
I also enjoyed the description in this paragraph.
I understand that Megan here has little knowledge about he surroundings, and you display that well. I also love the idea of the piece and the plot, is this a small part to a larger piece?
I do think you need to find away to let the reader know more about what's going on, I hope you find my tips and suggestions helpful. I would also love for you to give me your opinion on my pieces, Dakota's Diary in the Other Fiction forum.
Any way! Welcome to YWS, I hope you love it here as much as I do
RedSmiles
Hiya there Emerald!
You have an excellent starting line, but I feel it's a tad bid cliched. Character wakes up to find self in an unusual setting and no memory of what happened. You should try and stray away from such a cliche (I've read the same type a few times already before).
The MC's thoughts are well thought out and the description is good. However, your character doesn't have the greatest amount of emotion. She possesses lots of thought, but not much emotion. She comes across as thoughtful and somewhat curious. I don't detect much fear. Perhaps you should work on that
And also, I have a few questions:
Couldn't she have seen what was holding her ankle and if it had made a popping noise (which I assume it was broken) wouldn't she have felt the pain?
Also, the young man who calls the MC Megan, you describe him later as a boy. Which one is it? Is he a child or an adult?
Well, that's it! This has plenty of potential and I'm intrigued to know what had happened to the city and such. You left off at an interesting point
Good Luck,
Meadow