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18+ Language

Prologue to untitled work that may/may not be continued

by EmeraldEyes


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

INT. TEENAGE GIRL'S BEDROOM - EVENING 

A stereotypical pink bedroom, with fluffy toys and cushions. Pink everywhere: bedclothes, curtains, wallpaper, carpet etc, it's overwhelming. A teenage girl lies on her bed; she's vaguely attractive with long, (dyed) black hair, arms over her head, balancing a mobile phone on her stomach. A robotic voice emanates from the phone.

ROO

Your turn to hang up.

MALE VOICE (from phone)

I don't want to.

ROO

I have to go to bed though.

MALE VOICE

Me too.

ROO

Well, goodnight then.

MALE VOICE

I love you.

ROO

Goodnight Freddie.

FREDDIE

You don't love me?

ROO 

(without hesitation)

No I don't love you.

FREDDIE

Why not?

ROO

You're leaving.

FREDDIE

Why does that mean you can't love me?

ROO

I don't love people who leave me.

FREDDIE

That's just your way of saying you don't take risks, because you're scared.

ROO 

I'm not scared. 

FREDDIE

Oh yes you are! You're a commitment-phobe.

ROO

(laughs)

Fuck you!

FREDDIE

I wish you would.

ROO

(fidgets)

You know what I mean.

FREDDIE

Dream of me.

ROO

What, when you're off travelling the world with all your new girlfriends? I'm not waiting for you, ya know. Forget it. Go and shag one of your waitresses.

FREDDIE

I love you.

ROO

G'night Freddie.

FREDDIE

I love you Roo.


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:28 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Oh my gosh, how adorable was this.
So, yes the professional format for a script is centered, but it is a little distracting when coupled with how the text looks on YWS. Perhaps have a word document with the professional format and change this format to make it a little friendlier to read. Just a suggestion.

I think this script is the cutest thing I've read today XD

I mean, part of me says that this has been done before and you add nothing new to it which is true, but it's just a prologue (and I wish you would continue it) like you say, and I want to know these characters. I think this works wonderfully as a prologue goes because I care about both of these characters right off.

That being said, I get the vibe that the character of Roo could go wrong easily. I think she/he? could easily slip into a cliche, unlikeable character being the girlfriend that's not going to be hurt and is closing herself off. Of course, this is just a prologue, so I hope you're taking her in a different direction.

Other than that, I think you should end this on a more final note, so we know how serious Roo is. I think that the ending would have more of an impact if you let the audience know that she hung up. Don't make it wordy though. If this was taking place in Freddie's room instead of Roo's, I would suggest that you end with a dial tone, but it takes place in Roo's, so... Maybe end with her hanging up and turning of the lights?

Just suggestions either way xP

This really grabbed hold of my imagination, and I'm sincerely curious as to where you're planning to take this. I feel like it's perhaps not the most original circumstances, but it's definitely got potential to go to a fairly creative place.

Let me know if you write anymore,
Megs~




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 8:34 pm
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AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have here...

One of the things that you must know about scripts is that they are blueprints to a story, but not only that but they ARE a story. When I read this, I was automatically confused because everything was centered in the center. I think that it would work best if you moved all the words so that they are inclined to the left. Also, for the characters, you should format like this:
ROO(fidgeting): You know what I mean.
You should try to keep there words and actions in a straight line. Also, another small tip is to bold and underline the people that are talking because they are what you want to keep your focus on. This seems like an average love story, if you were to continue this, what would you want to make your plot be? How would you make it better than another love story?

Now for the great things. Your spelling and grammar are fine and dandy! Your organization is good, just need to try to move things in a better way(but you don't HAVE to do it, just a suggestion). Personally, I think that Freddie is a jerk, just really? Dating more than one girl, that's just rude the other guys out in the world. Great job! Have a nice review day! Keep calm and keep writing!

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:50 pm
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erilea wrote a review...



Hey, Happy Ultimate Pokemon Awesomeness Review Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Here, you need a comma after "No".

"No I don't love you."

That will be all. Overall, you need some punctuation, just proofread this and check your work carefully. Again, Happy Uktimate Pokemon Awesomeness Review Day, and Team Plasma for the Ultimate Pokemon Awesomeness Review Day win!




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:36 pm
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Blackwood wrote a review...



Hello there. My main issue with this script is how you formatted it. You, for some reason, centred everything, and it makes it a pain to read. It would be a much nicer read if you did it something like this:

ROO:
Your turn to hang up.

MALE VOICE (from phone):
I don't want to.

ROO:
I have to go to bed though.

MALE VOICE:
Me too.


Secondly, you don't establish that Roo is the girl. I think you need to explicitly state that she is the girl so the instant whoever reads this script they know clearly exactly who is show and what's going on. Naming Freddie later does work fine, but just establish Roo first.

Next, how do we feel connected to these characters from the start? This scene is just so... mundane, done, used? Is this the type of opening scene that will hook readers. If its a chick flick, then maybe, but even then it might be good to give your girl a bit more character right of the bat, even if its in the way she speaks. If it was a chick flick profanity is not really desireable to use in the opening scenes, as things like that are often seen as light hearted and heavy language may be slightly averting to the viewer.

Lol I just realise right now its you, Emerald Eyes. ^Enjoy that that above was completely unbiased review. Because I know from this point on I am going to get crap about it later. Don't you dare go on about me being mean or anything this time because I had no idea it was you until this point I didn't even know until I scrolled up to look at the genre so blaghhh yeah. You lovestruck person you. (Also I know you would not write a chick flick so whatever I said about that then probably not relevant now but I'll leave it there anyway. I have noooo idea what type of genre this could possible be)




EmeraldEyes says...


Thank you for your lovely review.
Oh and it's centered because professional scripts are. :P
Again, thanks a million for reviewing for me - and being unbiased. ;) You reviewing person you.
*smothers with huggles*



Blackwood says...


Well I think there is some off on the centering. Are you sure? Even if its centred the lines themselves might be aligned to the left but in the centre, because its really weird to read everything in the dead centre.
*Huggles back*



EmeraldEyes says...


I might have to check it out to be sure.
*shrugs*
Thanks again



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Thu Jul 24, 2014 10:06 pm
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smanske15 wrote a review...



Hey! Smanske15 here

I liked the storyline. I think that you could have gone more into the story, because I was left with questions such as what happened after Freddie hung up? And why was Freddie leaving? Also, in the prologue of a story, we usually see a little bit of background information. You definitely did not do an info.-dump, which is great, but I, as the reader, now have no connections to the characters. Should I feel sorry for the girl? Or should I feel sorry for the boy? Are they really good friends, or did they just meet? As you can see, I'm left with more questions than when I started.

I liked your dialogue. It seemed really genuine, and I had little doubt in my mind that this conversation wouldn't take place in the real world. I only request that you maybe make the names in a different style (maybe bold them?) because I found that they were distracting. I already knew that there were two people talking, so I tried to skip over the names.

I really think that you should continue writing this story! I know that I'm curious to find out why Roo is mad at Freddie, and especially why Freddie is leaving. I'm assuming that the girl is the main character here; will we hear only from her, or will Freddie stay in the script?

Your characters are very intriguing, and I can only assume that they will continue to grow to be dynamic characters throughout the play/movie.

I hope that my review helps, and encourage you to keep writing.

Great work!!
Smanske15




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Thu Jul 24, 2014 9:32 pm
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wunmi wrote a review...



I liked it. It sounds like it could be interesting, very interesting. I like the girls attitude although i don't think that her stereotypical room suits this attitude.
I don't think you can name it yet don't know enough about it yet so it could be called anything. Maybe "The blue fish and the red whale" could work (joking).
I think the two character you have written about are really strong ones and a great story could be written around them.




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Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:08 pm
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ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...



This looks like a very good scene to start the play or show off. We are introduced to two interesting characters, and now, I want to know what happens next. I'm so keeping track of this story.

As far as a title goes, I don't have much to play around with, but I did come up with two things depending on how the show or the play is going to go (May be a movie, I don't know what this is to be honest). My first thought was Commitment Phobic because of what Roo and Freddie discuss in this scene. Also, I was thinking about Long Distance because these two are going to be loving each other in different parts of the country, or the world.

Overall, I'm excited for what comes next. Please keep writing. I'm curious, very curious.




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Fri Jul 11, 2014 6:27 pm
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unpublishedperson wrote a review...



Greeting, unpublishedperson here to review!

Honestly, I think there was far too little here for me to really formulate an opinion about this.

The one thing that really caught my attention was the fact that you said a robotic voice was coming from the phone. Now that was interesting. Freddy, in general, seemed pretty creepy, and also very clever with words, especially when Roo says "Fuck you!" and he says that he wishes he could. That really gave me the creeps and caught my attention.

The fact that Freddy is leaving look to be a pretty interesting source of conflict, not to mention the fact that Freddy is kinda a creep, and still wants Roo to love him. That says a lot about Freddy right there, and it also says something about Roo, but her character still seems a bit confusing. Like, you have already established that she has a super girly room, with cute toys, and her she is having this conversation with some really shady guy that keeps on saying that he loves her.

I think the thing here is that this script is just a very short teaser, so I am having a little bit of trouble understanding much about the characters and their relationship. This is good, however, because now I really want to know who Freddy is, and why he is leaving, and why there is so much conflict between the two!

I could see this making an interesting script for a short film if you go through with it.





There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
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