“C’mon, Beverly,” I heard Andrew call, several yards ahead of me. “You’re falling behind again. I don’t want to wait for you; I want to go wading.”
“Andrew!” Trinity chastised him. “Don’t be rude.”
“It’s okay,” I said, jogging to catch up with my friend and her little brother. “I got lost in thought again.”
Andrew looked like he was going to say something about that last word, but after sharing a look with his older sister, he decided against it.
Finally, under the ruthless beating of the sun, we made it to the shady forest. We only had a little ways to go until we got to the enchanting creek of cool, glistening, crystal-clear water. Now that would feel good on a day like today.
Andrew excitedly ducked into the tall underbrush. Trinity, the calmer and more paced sibling, grabbed hold of some tall bush branches and moved them out of the way for me. “Thanks,” I told her.
“No problem,” she responded as I pushed through the clinging tendrils of the tall plants.
Past the obstacle of the bush lay a thin, winding, grassy path. It twisted and turned its way to the creek bed. It wasn’t an official path or anything; it had been made by generations of children making their way to the very same creek. Most of the work had been done by the three of us.
The friendly little path was bordered by a wall of gnarled thorn bushes, patches of grassy flowers, mossy trees and bushy ferns. Trinity behind me, I started off on the curvy path with anticipation.
Normally, I would wander slowly down to the bank of the creek. Today, the sun’s heat compelled me to go faster. The trees provided some shade, but the desperate sun still managed to shove through their leaves. My ginger hair clung to my sun-kissed cheeks and neck. The only thing that had brought me out of the air-conditioned paradise that was my house was the thought of the beautiful creek. I was definitely excited to be on my way down the path.
The friendly path’s twists and turns greeted me. I had this path memorized, as well as the plants around it. I knew where a thorn bush would reach out to snag me. I knew where the end of a log jutted out onto the path, giving only a narrow space to squeeze past. All of these landmarks met me as I followed Andrew through the forest with Trinity on my heels.
Finally, I heard the melody of rushing water. A cool breeze brought the song to my ears and I nearly jumped excitedly. “We’re almost there,” I cried with joy.
Andrew grinned even wider and, with delight, began to go faster. “Be careful, Andrew,” Trinity called to him. This didn’t slow him down, but at least he acknowledged her words with a quick “I will!”
Happiness flowing through me like the creek flows through the forest, I sped up a little as well. At last, the path opened up before my emerald eyes. The borders around the little walkway widened out, revealing a small clearing. I walked into it, feeling the packed earth beneath my toes.
At the far end of the tiny clearing was the creek’s pebbly bank. Where the clearing ended on either side, the bank rose up into a small cliff. The shallow water and the low bank made for a wonderful swimming spot.
When I arrived, Andrew had already begun enjoying the cool water. He giggled, splashing around in the shallow spot and then paddling out to the deeper areas. He was old enough to do that now, I remembered as Trinity didn’t yell at him to come back.
My best friend dipped her feet in first. Sighing with contentment, she went a little deeper. Her curly shoulder-length blond hair whipped around in the creek breeze.
I entered the crystalline water behind her, relishing the refreshing touch of the creek. It soothed away the heat in the air and gently hugged the visitors it got. Lovingly, I laughed and waded deeper. My joy seemed to rise with the water level.
Sunlight glinted on the water, blinding me for a short time. Blinking, I cleared my vision and saw Andrew floating on his back in front of me. “Try it,” he said. “It’s really fun!”
Relaxing seemed to be a better word for it. I glided along, the smooth pebbles of the creek bottom below me. I could hear Trinity admiring the miniscule seashells and colorful stones that she found. “Come see this one, Beverly,” I heard her say. “It’s so pretty, and it’s your favorite color.”
She found a purple rock, I thought. This, I want to see. I righted myself and swam over to her.
In Trinity’s hands was a glittering stone the size of a thumbnail. It was a sparkling shade of lavender that reminded me of a vivid twilight sky. “It’s beautiful,” I marveled, and I really meant it.
“Isn’t it?”
I agreed wholeheartedly. The pebble was a treasure. “What a lucky find,” I told her. “I’m sure you want to keep it.” For some reason, those words brought me sorrow.
“No, no,” Trinity said. “I’ve got so many other pebbles. You take that one; it’s your favorite color anyway.”
Trinity liked light blue better, particularly cyan. I glanced at her pile and saw that she’d be happy with the shimmering blue stones she’d collected. For some odd reason, I wanted the purple pebble with my heart and soul. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, not even to say “Thank you.”
“Keep it.” Trinity spoke casually. She dropped the stone into my cupped hands and turned her attention to Andrew, who wanted her to see the insect he’d proudly caught. “That’s gross, Andrew! Put it back where you found it!”
Shutting out Andrew’s requests for a new bug pet, I stared at the pebble. In a mesmerized daze, I sat down in the shallow water. The pebble was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. I trembled as if I’d been given the whole world.
After carefully lifting the pebble out of the water to keep it from washing away, I noticed the current rushing past me. Wait… Rushing? It didn't usually feel this fast.
I forced myself to tear my attention away from the treasure Trinity had found. The water, which had been sluggishly swirling around my waist when I had sat down, was now up to my chest. Dumbfounded, I looked at Trinity and Andrew.
My friend and her little brother didn’t seem to notice the changing current. Even when Andrew’s light blonde curls were swallowed by the darkening water, neither of them said a thing. Andrew kept laughing as though he could breathe underwater.
Trembling with rising fear, I looked at Trinity. She was sitting like I was across the creek. The blackened water was around her neck now. With a jolt, I remembered Trinity was the same height as I was. So if the water level was around her neck…
Startled, I looked down at myself. My hands were submerged in jet black water. I couldn’t see them, even though they were still close to my face. A chill ran through me, as if the heat of the sun had been blocked by a screen of shadows.
Slowly, I lifted my hands above the surface.
The pebble was gone.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. My only valuable treasure had been stolen by the rushing waves. The creek that had been so gentle had morphed into a snarling thief, tearing away the one thing I cared about anymore.
Clear tears stung my eyes and dripped down my cheeks, mixing with the shadow-water. The pebble is gone. The pebble is gone. The pebble is gone.
The sight of the stone’s luxurious lavender hue filled my mind. There was nothing else I could think about. Andrew and Trinity could have drowned, and I still couldn’t manage to lift my gaze from my empty hands.
It was gone. There was no way I could find the treasure Trinity had given to me. By now, my pebble would have washed far, far away, in the clutch of a thieving river.
The floodwater I sat in was no longer the crystalline creek that had welcomed visitors into its cool arms. It was a raging torrent, a river that did not care about visitors. It swiped away precious belongings without regard to their owners.
“No…” My voice shook. It was barely over a whisper. I repeated the word so many times that it became meaningless. A useless chant; words meant for no one.
My family was poor. We had barely enough money to pay the rent of our cheap apartment. The food I normally ate was picked from the trees of the forest or stolen from someone else’s garden.
Had I been driven to greed by my lack of possessions? Had I so easily fallen in love with the pebble because it meant so much to me to finally own something?
That still didn’t explain the river’s change, or why Trinity and Andrew didn’t notice it. Trinity had a pile of beautiful pebbles like the one I had, and Andrew had the little bug he’d bonded with. How come they didn’t witness their treasures being stolen?
Unable to answer the questions swimming in my head, I blinked back to attention. Suddenly the water was clear and shining. The heat was radiant again, and the sounds of Trinity and Andrew talking reappeared.
In my hands I held the cursed stone again, the one I used to have so many strong feelings for. But now that I knew what it felt like to have so much and then lose it, I was afraid to have possessions. Anxiety struck me and I suddenly felt the strong, tugging urge to discard the stone.
The ripples the stone made in the water were reassuring somehow. The pebble was gone, but so was the curse it brought:
Greed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I think there were a ton of things you did well here, and not a whole lot you did wrong. I always enjoy stories that are careful with the introduction of characters, and the ones that are introduced are well refined and interesting. You picked a theme and worked towards drawing it, which is good, and your imagery was also really good. I try to avoid reading fantasy because it's not really my thing, but I'm glad I clicked this one as it was really enjoyable!
Nitpicks:
I definitely think you could put some more emotion into this line; show the reader her initial fear when she sees he doesn’t come up. You don’t need to lengthen the writing itself, just shift it around a bit.
Not sure what you mean by “righted” here…do you mean she turned right, or postured her body? Either might be a better verb to use…
Who is saying what here?
Thanks so much for the review! Here are some things I'll clarify for you:

That sentence seemed a bit off to me too, but Andrew didn't go under, necessarily. He just paddled out deeper than he used to when he was little. I definitely will add that to my list of things to rearrange. Thanks!
By "righted" I do mean the second one, she postured her body. She had been floating on her back beforehand, so she sort of "sat up" in the water to swim to Trinity.
Trinity is the speaker in both quotes.
I hope that helped with a few things. Thanks so much for the helpful review!
Hi, Em~!
What a wonderful story! Just going to come out here and say very quickly that this reminded me of Steinbeck's novella The Pearl which I just recently read for English. A bit of different approaches, but the same moral in the end: greed can drive you to think/do horrible things.
It was fun, entertaining, and light and fresh (although the plot of the story was.. hmm... a bit darker) and overall a nice and pleasant read.
So, we have the protagonist here: Beverly. Although it's a short story, I felt we didn't get to see that much of Beverly, as a character. Sure, short stories are mostly revolved around the plot and scenarios, but I felt we could have gotten a little something to relate to Beverly, y'know? Just a bit more about her.
I also think, in this case, there could have been a bit more showing instead of telling. There's Beverly, and the pebble, and Beverly's sudden attachment to the pebble. I feel as if it was a bit direct: Beverly is introduced, then she describes the pebble as being "marvelous" and the like and she "liked it so much". Which is totally okay - I just feel a few phrases could be thrown in there to spice it up a bit.
For example, this is a great spot of showing her emotions and thoughts and feelings towards the pebble in imagery -
And there are quite a few places that seem great, but there are some few weak spots as well.
I think that's all I have to say about this! I love your title, too, and how it is a line taken from the story, but also holds the plot together without spoilers, and represents the moral a bit if you think about it.
Great job!
~ EternalRain ^-^
Thanks so much, Rainy
(can I call you that?)! I definitely knew that I needed to improve on this but I wanted to throw it out there early in the process and see what everyone thought. Great review!
Hey, I thought this was a really good idea for a short story. I really liked it.
Your grammar was really good, as well as spelling, and punctuation. I didn't see any major nitpicks, just maybe some minor things, but as far as that goes, I didn't spot anything...
I felt like this was very meaningful and encouraging. This story had a strong message about life.
Greed can overcome you, and you don't realize it until something bad happens. Like how Trinity and Andrew didn't notice what was going on, but she did. She left greed get the best of her, and I think that's what happens to everyone. When they see something they really want, they might consider it a treasure, and they keep doing this, letting greed get the best of them. Then bad things happen when you have too much greed, and no love.
I really thought that was a great message, and it was very meaningful. It felt very encouraging and inspiring.
I thought this was a great short story, and I think you're really good at writing them. You should write a bunch more of these.
Thanks for writing this, it really showed and taught me that greed can get the best of you.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Thanks so much! Maybe in another comment you could tell me the "minor things" so I could fix them? I want to improve on this, even just a bit. Thanks again!!
Maybe, I might not get to it right away though, because yeah, I'm going to be pretty busy, so yeah. I will try though.
It's okay if you can't but thanks!
No problem! :3
-Dogs <3