Angelina looked at her cell phone. She tapped her favorite contact - Jacob Walters. Jacob had gone out with Angelina for 9 months now, but for the ninth month, he hadn't seen her at all. Angelina was worried that he was drifting apart from her, so she was calling him to make sure things were okay. That dialing tone that she listened to only made her more anxious. Were situations going to be bad? Angelina was thoroughly relieved when she heard that sweet voice of Jacob's drift to her. "Hello?"
"Jacob! It's Angelina."
"Oh - Angelina. Hey... Um..."
Uh-oh. He was hesitating. That was bad. Jacob was never nervous to talk to Angelina. He told her everything, even his dreams or embarrassments. "Um, Jacob? How come you haven't called me or talked to me in a month? Is something wrong?"
"Look, Angelina, you're a really sweet girl. You really are. You're smart and beautiful. But - um... Look, it isn't about you. It's about someone else - that's it. There's... someone else. We'll still be best friends, and I'll talk to you more often, I promise. I - I - it's over."
Angelina didn't reply. She was too busy having their relationship flash by in her mind. Why did it have to end like this? A tear silently rolled down Angelina's cheek. She remained silent, but in her mind everything yelled out in pain and sadness. Vivid feelings screaming in her head, mingling together. Angelina got a headache. Why? Was it something she did or something she said?
"Angelina?"
That was it. Angelina couldn't listen to his voice anymore. Things were different now. The end button was hit. And the call wasn't the only thing that had ended. Angelina flung herself into her bed, sobbing bitterly. Eventually the poor girl, out of tears, fell asleep. She dreamed of his voice, his eyes, his kind smile. She dreamed until there was nothing more to dream about Jacob. They were done, but Angelina couldn't bear that thought. Those two words had changed everything. It's over.
~
Angelina woke up. The sun shined brightly through her window, and Angelina smiled. But then the call washed into her mind like a tsunami onto a stretching beach. Angelina felt more tears coming on. She cried again for four hours.
Then Angelina heard it. Her ringtone. She felt like ignoring it, but she knew she couldn't. She got up out of curiosity to see who it was. Jacob Walters.
Angelina knew just what to do.
"Angelina, it's Jacob."
"I know who it is, you rat. I don't want to hear your voice again! I have feelings! What about me made you hate me so suddenly?" Angelina couldn't hold back her anger and pain. "We were perfect. Perfect! And then you had to go and ruin my life for me! Gee, thanks!" Angelina slammed her fist on the End button for a second time after the bad news.
Weeks passed, and Angelina avoided the rest of Jacob's calls. She never answered calls from him or from anyone. It was like her phone caused it all. If she hadn't called him, Angelina wouldn't have gotten the shocking two words: "It's over."
Weeks turned to months, and Angelina avoided Jacob. When she saw him on the streets, she ducked behind the nearest thing. Tree, trash can, person. As long as he didn't see her and try to talk.
After the months came years.
~A year later~
Angelina couldn't stop thinking about him. He was ten times better than Jacob. She sighed dreamily. Jacob was long gone and forgotten. Now it was Daniel that made her heart race. And her first date with him was that very day.
At 7:00, Angelina was ready. She wore a white summer gown embroidered with her name in cursive. Her grandmother had made it just for the special occasion. It was silk.
Her golden hair was curled in perfect swirls that tumbled over her shoulders. She smiled a bright white smile, complimenting her blue eyes perfectly. Her feet were fitted into shiny white high-heels to match her dress. And around her neck was a silver necklace. It was shaped like a heart, and two amethyst hearts were inside the silver heart. It was her favorite necklace.
Daniel came finally. They talked, and when it was time to go to their reserved table at the fancy restaurant, he took her arm in arm to his car. But before Angelina could get into the red convertible, she saw someone motioning her to come. "Just one quick second," Angelina told Daniel. He nodded. She ran to see who it was.
She realized who it was the instant she stopped in front of him and he said hello. Jacob.
He looked like he had been crying. "Angelina, you have to listen to me. I still love you. Things didn't work out with Sarah, and I want you back. Please forgive me. I love you."
"Oh really? Jacob, Sarah is a stuck-up snob who only dates anyone on the football team. How come you didn't think this through before you told me it's over? Because once it's done, it's done. I'm over you and I'm off to my first date with someone else. I'm happy now, and I'm not dwelling on you anymore. I'm sorry. But you promise me one thing. This time, don't forget our past like you did when we broke up. Remember our good times and our bad times, and how we got through every obstacle. Then, when you're thinking about breaking up with another girl, maybe you'll think twice about it."
Jacob opened his mouth to retort, but he realized Angelina was right. He watched as Angelina walked off. He had mistakenly let another girl go. And as she got into the car, Jacob thought about their past. He wouldn't forget it next time.
(Hi! Thanks for reading my first short story! Review it to pieces please! But don't be too harsh. This is my first short. :D)
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Your writing style is good. You also have very good structure. You right in third person very well. Ive noticed that a lot of people will attempt to write in first person, but they don't deliver it well,if that makes sense. Also, sometimes when someone writes in third person, they tend to loose grasp of the story because they can't form their thoughts through that point of view. I'm also writing a book and I know that I sometimes have that problem. You, however, don't have that problem. Like I said, your writing is very structure and not all over the place. You also give a good description, but you don't go over board. Keep up the good work.
I very much enjoyed this story. Overall, it was very good. This is just my personal opinion, but i think that it was slightly vague. It wasn't at all confusing, but it wasn't extremely specific. It talked about the past between Angelina and Jacob, but what happened? What were the good memories? Why was she so crushed when he said those two words? Also, i think that we should have learned a bit more about Jacob and Daniel. I know that it's a short story, but from the phone call it seemed as if Jacob was an insensitive jerk and yet she was still devastated about the break up. And, i didn't think that we needed to know a ton about Daniel, but just some adjectives. Why did he make her heart race? Sorry, i hope that i wasn't too harsh. Everything else was great.
Hey there. It's me, Nike. I love short stories, so I'm here to review yours. You told us to review it to pieces, but not to be too harsh? I'll try not to I guess.
I wish, I really wish that you would put more emotion into this. In your whole story, you have mentioned the feelings. There's this thing called show not tell. I struggle with that as well. Just try to show more. Instead of telling us she's sad, show us that she's sad. And instead of saying that his voice made her happy, show us this.
Writing is a beautiful thing, right? You can captivate feelings and emotions in very small ways. When you make Jacob say 'It's over,' maybe you should italics it? Make it more dramatic so we could see that.
There's a reason we have this way of forming words, like bolding them and such. It makes the words more important and sinks emotion into them.
Here the emotion is good. I noticed that you like to say Angelina this Jacob that... you don't use other forms. Sometimes there's a she and a he. There are other ways to phrase it. This feels like I'm pulled away from the story, just a plain observer with no feelings, so sort of connect us more to the story. Makes us feel Angelina.
So, I'm sorry... but... I really hate this. The whole thing is good, like she should say those things, but, um, doesn't she breathe? You need pauses. No one says this much within one take-in of breath, you know? And, it's too cliche. Make it your own. Expand on this. It could be so much better.
Overall, this is a good short story. It's a little cliche, but I feel like you could handle that on your own. Expand the story, make it your own. And show don't tell! Try to captivate more emotions!
I enjoyed reading it, very well written.
~ Nike
Hi Em!
Me again.
Nitpicks
The comma should be a semicolon.
"End" doesn't need to be capitalized — at least I think it doesn't.
In the top line, year is plural, so I was guessing yearS had pasted, but then it says a year later below?
Positive Comments
This is a really good short, and medium-paced, like one should be. It wasn't too fast like it flew by, but it wasn't super slow.
I'm amazed how good this was for your first short story! The emotions fit in perfectly, and Angelina's feelings seemed super realistic.
Kind Criticism
I have one thing and that is to maybe make some of the dialogue less chunky? It just is a big block of words, and maybe splitting it a part a bit would make it more clear to read.
Great job, Em, and hope this helps!
WillowPaw1~
Hey there!
Budding writer here for a review!
Let me start by saying that I liked the pace with which you wrote the story and it was just what it was meant to be: a short story. What you wrote about was very relatable which I feel is very important otherwise you cant connect somewhere with the reader.
"She was too busy having their relationship flash by in her mind."
I felt that this particular line could have been better somehow it kind of felt bland and too direct. Maybe you could change your use of words.
Another thing I felt was that they are in a relationship for 9 months already so he should have called her using a more personal nickname or something when they are talking on the phone that would have made it more clear to the reader how deep their their relationship was. You could also have used flashbacks showing some instances over the past months
"After the months came years."
Here you are mentioning years but then the next sentence is:
~A year later~
That felt a bit confusing.
Other than that overall it was quite and interesting read I enjoyed it.
-Budding writer
Hi there
I think to be your first short story it worked really well. The structure is perfect and it's just the right length. One thing about the dialogue: remember to always have it on a separate line.
Here are a few suggestions on changes you could make to improve:
In long dialogues like these I would put breaks in the middle so it doesn;t look just like a block of words. For example, "But - um... Look, it isn't about you," his voice faltered. " It's about someone else - that's it. (...)"
A few times in this piece you start sentences off with "And" or "But". I personally think it's fine just once in a while but it's good to not grow a habit into doing so. Everytime you're about to, think if there's an alternative.
The grammar is perfect, so is the spelling!
Just one thing about the story, it would be really cool if you took it and expanded on it
Great first short!
~thegirlwhowrites
Alright, all in all, this is a pretty solid 1st short story.
I like how you described her sadness and her reaction to the break-up, it's very realistic and humanistic. I too have had a relationship break over the phone like that, but instead of it being another girl, it was his mother (yeah, kinda sucked -_-) so for me, this conversation is very relatable, as is the reaction.
Weirdly enough, the 1 year later thing also kinda happened to me also, so I like it in a sense that I can understand how it feels to one up someone who hurt you previously without actually doing anything to said person.
In terms of how it was written, very simple. In later writings I suggest maybe using a more advanced vocabulary just to spice up the story, and in return it'll make it seem more mature. I didn't see anything that stuck grammatically, so good job!
I liked this a lot and I wish you luck on later works!
~Maddie