Young Writers Society

This story seems like it's going to be amazing! I feel the urge to read the entire thing. I am very curious about Sam and Ashley's relationship, it seemed like they were a little close for comfort of brother and sister. However, I love that you are writing about an LGBTQIAP+ topic and am excited to read more as it comes!

That sentence sentence made me very interested.

Hi Ella!

First of all, though this really is too short to be a chapter, it already makes me want to know what happens next, which is one of the most important factors in a novel. Is it a page turner? Is it suspenseful? You always should ask yourself these questions when you read your own work. In this case, I think you have a lot of promise, and I really hope you can deliver in the next few chapters.

I'm definitely intrigued by Sam and Ashley's relationship, because they seem to like each other a lot, and yet don't have much to talk about. I feel like if I was writing this I would develop their relationship in the coming chapters, and also how that affects the way they deal with Tracy, who, as others have said, hopefully won't turn out to be a complete jerk.

Another thing I have to add is that I really, really hope this won't turn into a typical 'coming out despite there being homophobic characters around' kind of story, because let's face it, there are already too many of those out there. But as I said, this seems promising.

Regarding the writing style, I think that you have a good, natural way with dialogue, but I did notice one thing, simply because it's one of my weaknesses too: the text in between the dialogue. The transition from someone speaking to Ashley describing something to the readers doesn't seem as natural as it could be. I'm not sure how to do that though, because I'm still figuring it out myself.

I know this review is a bit all over the place, but it's my first one on here, so I hope you can excuse that.

Overall, great little blurb, that seems promising and has definitely made me want to read more.

Sadie

Marms said it all. It's a bit too short to be a chapter, but it isn't bad.

Make sure you don't make the characters' sexuality or whatever their primary trait. There's way more to a human being than whichever group they think they belong to.

Also, careful about, perhaps, accidentally making Tracy completely evil, reprehensible and antagonistic, because again, there's more to a human being than their political beliefs. Sure, there are truly evil people out there with no redeeming traits, but that's quite rare, I think. You probably plan to do that in the future, but right now, she did seem to be going in that direction.

Hi! I'm glad you're writing a story with queer characters! We always need more of those. So what I liked was that you discuss certain issues in the queer community (like dead names, outing etc.) right off the bat. That being said, let's get into the review!

So my first thing is about Tracy. She seems like she's terrible to Ash and Sam. You told us that. But, it'd be more impactful if you showed us. Instead of saying "Tracy dead-named Sam" you could have a scene where Tracy actually calls Sam by his dead name, and then Sam and Ash get upset with her, or expresses his sadness to Ash later.
Another thing about Tracy is that she's just... evil. No one is purely evil, and Tracy is no exception. She needs to have some redeeming qualities to be realistic character. Also, try making her dynamic in the story, rather than just making her stay ignorant the entire time. (Don't know what you're planning but I think that'd add to the story).
Also the "evil stepsister" trope is pretty overused, so maybe change Tracy's relation to Ash and Sam.

So the next thing I have to say is Ash and her boyfriend. From what I understand is that you're trying to imply that she doesn't like him very much. Either than or she likes him, but she's planning on cheating? Either way, I feel like this isn't showing a very healthy relationship. If you want to show an unhealthy relationship, that's fine, but that's not the vibe I'm getting from this story. I think you should have Ash break up with her boyfriend, and have her state her feelings honestly. Although, the whole part about her boyfriend is pretty confusing and I don't really get what their relationship is about.

So that's all. I hope this review was helpful!

Hey Ella (is it okay if I call you that?)! I'm super hyped to review your first novel ever! That's so exciting and I really hope I can help you in some way with your work. I really encourage you to keep writing and aiming for your goal whether that's getting published or just writing for your own benefit. If you find anything in my review to be too harsh I hope you'll forgive me. I can be a little blunt, bold, and honest with my words at times but my intentions are good.

So far, this novel looks good. I think your dialogue sounds realistic. I think you can improve on your descriptions a bit maybe adding to what Ashley's bedroom looks like or what her facial expressions are (this goes for Sam too). In writing it's good to place hints to what the characters look like. For example, "Ashley ran her hand through her mousy brown hair," but I don't know if Ashley brown hair or not. I definitely think this chapter needs to be fattened up a bit, but if you're an underwriter like me you might just want to get the story out and then fatten up the draft when you're going through it.

She always dead-named and misgendered Sam and constantly barged into my room looking for any evidence that I was gay so she could tell my boyfriend and my year and ruin everything.

He was terrified of her. He had the right to be.

But there's a party this weekend so maybe I'll find someone there. And I have my first drama lesson tomorrow so maybe I'll find a hot drama nerd.

The last time I'd really liked someone was years ago. At my old school. But that was a long time ago. I was older now. Smarter. Harder to impress.