Butterfly! Part one...

by EllaBliss, kat13254

Published February 13, 2014

16+ Language

In Life-Based

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

_____________________________

Prologue;

Daisy pushes open the tinted glass doors of St. Ambrose Private Catholic High School. Since she graduated from grade school, she had been wanting to come to this school. She has been studying for the entry test for a year now, and she is sure that she will win a scholarship. She enters the gym, and just as she expected, it is filled with posh desks that must have cost a lot of money. She sits down at the desk, beginning the test early. Her pencil flies across the page, here and there, and then she flips the page. In a matter of minutes, her ten-page entry test was finished, plus all the bonus questions. She signs her name at the top, and then hands in the test by the time the others are arriving at the school. She goes back to the desk to wait for the scholarship winner to be announced. The headmaster steps up to the pedestal.

"The scholarship winner is Daisy Chamberlain," he announces. Daisy walks up to the front of the room to accept the scholarship diploma. She is filled with joy.

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Daisy;

I can not believe this. I really can not believe this. I just finished the entry test in five minutes and got the scholarship. I can not believe this. I parade to the front of the room. The headmaster glares at me with disgust. It is obvious that he does not like giving scholarships to people who can obviously not afford it. I politely accept the diploma, and then I realize...

"Sir, is that... Achoo! a daisy... Achoo! In your pocket?"

"Yes, it is," he replies. He raises an eyebrow.

"Achoo! I am... Achoo! Allergic to... Achoo! Daisies," I explain. He takes it out and tosses it in the trash, behind him. I thank him for the scholarship and head out of the room.

_____________________________

Crystal;

A girl rushes out of the gym with a diploma in hand, and trips into me.

"Sorry! My name is Daisy," she stutters. I roll my eyes.

"First year." I whisper to myself walking away. She's obviously an over-exited first-year.

"I'm.. so sorry," she repeats. She starts walking by me, and I spot the diploma in her hand. I remember when I got that, though I didn't need it. I scan over her with my eyes. She looks like she can hardly pay for food. She is short and skinny, and she obviously does need the scholarship to attend the school. I roll my eyes again. I walk over to my boyfriend, Calem.He's the same year as me, just taller. He has the same attitude as me, too, and he is also just as rich as I am. I watch him looking at the girl, Daisy.

"Poor, poor idiot, don't you agree?" "Yep. Look at her stumbling around because she's the smartest first year," he laughs. He hands me a daisy, my favorite flower. Daisy sneezes like a newborn child.

"Achoo," she sneezes. Calem just laughs at this.

"She's pathetic isn't she? She'll get herself kicked out by next week, just watch." I say laughing a little too.

"Achoo," she sneezes again. I secretly blow some daisy pollen towards her.

"Achoo, achoo!" she sneezes again. You have to admit, it is a little bit cute. This first year is taking too much of my attention. I could be doing better stuff.

"Achoo, achoo!" I throw the daisy away. This is been enough time doing nothing but making this first year sneeze. The first year stumbles her way to her first class.

"She's hopeless," Calem says. Calem seems to have more intrest in her than me.He's staring at her stumbling, and I'm getting annoyed at it.

"Let's go!" I snap. God he's annoying.

"Fine, Crysta!" We walk to class together, hand-in-hand.

_____________________________

Daisy;

After my first class, I try to find my locker. I am carrying a huge stack of books.

"Want some help," says someone behind me, but before I can answer, someone sticks out their foot in front of me. I trip over it, and the books go flying. I land on my knees on the polished marble floors. Everyone in the hallway is staring and laughing, but all I can do is blush and cover my face. I pick up my books, rushing away to locker 120.

_____________________________

Crystal;

I am leading in her continued humiliation. Everyone is still laughing, and so I begin talking.

"Isn't she hopeless? That scholarship winner won't last two hours," I say. Their laughing gets louder. Calem Isn't looking too happy with my attitude. I'm debating to myself if I should stop ot not. He is my boyfriend, he can see my struggle in the choice.

"Just stop Crysta. She's not that bad," he whispers into my ear. I want to scream, hit him, and humiliate her more. Yet, I don't want to lose him.

"Fine," I stop for Calem's sake. He's too interested about Daisy.

"Thank you, dear," he replies.

Later, I spot him chatting with her near her locker. I want to scream. I'm debating on hitting him or not.

"Calem! Get your ass over here Calem!" He's shocked at my word choice in a school enviroment. Daisy looks at me with fear in her eyes. I realize that she's been crying, and that he'd been comforthing her. I won't let this happen. Not in my school. I walk up and slap him right across the face. He looks at me with anger, but then calms down. He knows that I will kill him if he moves.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
GoldFlame
Review
GoldFlame wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Flame here! Go Icicles :D!

In my novel, I'm also rotating between the perspectives of multiple protagonists. The reviews I've received warned me to be careful with making the story easy to follow. I also learned that devoting a whole submission to one perspective was favored more than popping in and out. So I'd recommend extending the length of each part--at least in the future, so that the reader doesn't get confused.

That aside, I think you're handling it well. I didn't catch too many obstacles in the flow--just the occasional redundancy, and maybe a piece of dialogue that overwhelms its narration counterpart. My only nitpicks concern grammar and fluency...

Since she graduated from grade school, she had been wanting to come to this school.


Accidently switched to past tense here. Switch "had" for a handy "has."

Her pencil flies across the page, here and there, and then she flips the page. In a matter of minutes, her ten-page entry test...


I was distracted by the frequent appearance of the word "page."

In a matter of minutes, her ten-page entry test was finished, plus all the bonus questions.


Accidently switched to past tense here, too.

I can not believe this. I really can not believe this. I just finished the entry test in five minutes and got the scholarship. I can not believe this.


I like the repetition of "I can not believe this," but I feel this lacks...description. Details. What's going on her mind? Is happiness bubbling through her airways as a laugh? Are her cheek muscles torn from smiling?

"Sir, is that... Achoo! a daisy... Achoo! In your pocket?"


This should read: "Sir, is that—achoo!—a daisy—achoo!—in your pocket?"

To achieve a — , type double hyphens into Word.

...with a diploma in hand, and trips into me.


Comma's unnecessary.

"Sorry! My name is Daisy," she stutters.


Stutters? You mean "stammers"? If you want to stick with "stutters," make her stutter: "S-Sorry! My name's D-Daisy."

God he's ...


Comma after "God."

That's all I have. This was very well-written; just remember to show, not tell, to subtly incorporate details, and to check that all details are essential to the plot. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more!

User avatar
GreenTulip
Review
GreenTulip wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Hi, GreenTulip here to give you a review.

1. Do not have changing point of views in one chapter. It will be more annoying then helpful. This is will also mean we have a bigger grasp at what the character is when a chapter is devoted to them alone.

2. Lengthen the prologue. It does very little to do introduce the meaning of the story. Make is hook a reader in.

3. "Crysta" is not a good name- real or just a nick-name. It is one that is nearly a typo.

It's all I have to say.

User avatar
Unbelievable
Review
Unbelievable wrote a review Review · Feb 22, 2014

Hey Kat and Ella!

Now, I think I've said this before, but you should have an older person with more experience come in on a Pirate Pad and help you edit it. I did this with the first book I wrote. I thought it was pretty darn good, but by the time we were done with the first chapter it was 1,000 times better. You guys barely have any experience and I can tell :/ It's going to be hard at first to take the criticism, but once you open your mind, you'll be a hundred times better!

Ella- I think you're an amazing poetry writer! You remind me of myself, I was really good at poetry but I had some work to do with writing a book and or Short story. I think it would benefit you to one on one with one of the older YWSers, and become a better writer, because you have serious potential!

Kat- I think you should do the same. Maybe work on a story by yourself and post it, and ask for an older YWSer to help you go back through and edit it, I think it would help you! You've also have potential, I just haven't really seen it yet.

As for the story:

It's ok. The plot doesn't seem well thought out, the characters, what do we know about them That Daisy is allergic to Daisies, and that Crystal is the annoying stereotypical mean rich girl. We've seen this all before. I think a big plot twist should be apart of the plot, and work on characters being more complex.

The sections are short and choppy and to be completely honest, rather annoying. If you're wanting each chapter to be from a different P.O.V, Then make longer more detailed chapters, not two paragraphs.

Also, I think it's a bad choice to call Crystal Crysta. It looks like a Typo, and you don't want that...

You have a lot of work to do.

I hope I didn't hurt anyones feeling, just trying to help.

Keep writing and keep getting better, I know you have it in you!

-Kathryn-

Ok two things.
One: We changed Crysta to plain Crystal in part 2.
Two: I was actually just starting a Frozen fan fiction so I will take your advice!
Also I didn't take any offence from this, people in my class say stuff more harsh than this daily to people they don't like, like me. Also it's to make us better writers!

Okay c: And I was just reviewing part one, but I'll check out part two when I have time!

User avatar
PeanutPhoebe
Review
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review Review · Feb 13, 2014

Wow. Interesting. You said you wrote this with someone else? That's really good coordination. Love it. Love that you have "Chapters" with the view from each person. It sorta gives the omniscient viewpoint, but in a different sort of way. I liked your word choices, they were descriptive yet simple. One thing. Calem calls Crystal Crysta, and I wasn't sure if that was a typo or nickname or what. Great job! I'd love to see where this goes...

Crysta is Crystal's nickname.

Ok, that's what I figured:)

Next part will be out soon though :)
Will post link!

I'll read it!! :)

Ella just needs to wait for her parents to let her on the laptop, I already have Crystal's first part ready just waiting for her to write Daisy's! :D

Great, just post a link to my wall, and I'll read/review it

Will do!



A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson