z

Young Writers Society


12+

Disintegrating

by EllaBliss


By the way, this is not quite my best work. It's weird and dorky and I don't think there's any rhymes.

I should have told you what I really thought

I let my pride get in the way of my entire life

Since you left it's been a downhill disaster

Since you left I felt like I was disintegrating

~

To make friends was the easiest thing

I just never used the power after you left

I was different so I isolated myself

Few of the others made it into my bubble

~

I should have told you what I really thought

I let my pride get in the way of my entire life

Since you left it's been a downhill disaster

Since you left I felt like I was disintegrating

~

After that I tried to fix myself, do what I could

I realized I have been too far gone all along

I am still different, and I'm older than I was

I'm a teenager now, I'm being judged

~

I should have told you what I really thought

I let my pride get in the way of my entire life

Since you left it's been a downhill disaster

Since you left I felt like I was disintegrating

~

My peers are cutting into me with their eyes

I'm weird because I'm not even an A-cup yet

I'm weird because I'm only sixty-seven pounds

I'm weird because my nose is always in a book

~

I should have told you what I really thought

I let my pride get in the way of my entire life

Since you left it's been a downhill disaster

Since you left I felt like I was disintegrating

~

Jealousy, fear, anger, and sadness ran my life

Since then I have been turned in the right direction

I have friends now that the bubble's gone

But I wish we had still been in touch all along

~

I should have told you what I really thought

I let my pride get in the way of my entire life

Since you left it's been a downhill disaster

Since you left I felt like I was disintegrating

~

I should have told you what I really thought

I let my pride get in the way of my entire life

Since you left it's been a downhill disaster

Since you left I felt like I was disintegrating

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75 Reviews

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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:47 am
fictional wrote a review...



This part, and onward, nearly made me tear up -

My peers are cutting into me with their eyes


It's as if you read my mind. I love, love, love the message behind this, and the rhythm more than makes up for the lack of rhyme.

It sounds very natural, like someone talking - or singing - this would, indeed, make a beautiful song. I'd imagine it having acoustic guitar and a bit of piano in the background, fading away at the end.

Nitpicks

I let my pride get in the way of my entire life


This line showed up darker than the others on my computer screen. Maybe it's a problem with my computer, but you might want to check the formatting.

I have friends now that the bubble's gone

But I wish we had still been in touch all along


I feel like "still" drags down this part, and is unnecessary.

I am still different, and I'm older than I was

I'm a teenager now, I'm being judged


Consider adding "and" after "now" (second line) - will make it flow better.

~

If this isn't your best work, you have a lot of potential in the world of writing (that's a compliment :) )




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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:47 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Ella! Nite here to review from one Cobalt Critiquer to another! ;)

Now, overall, I like this. The chorus is my favorite part. The only suggesting I would make the last line a bit shorter. "When you left I felt like disintegrating". I think it flows a bit better. "I let my pride get in the way of my entire life" could also be shortened, possibly by cutting "entire".

To make friends was the easiest thing

I just never used the power after you left

I was different so I isolated myself

Few of the others made it into my bubble


The phrase "used the power" sounds a little weird in this context. It makes me think of superpowers, which is a bit off-topic. It seems like you're trying to say the speaker could make friends easily but just doesn't try anymore. Perhaps "I just didn't bother after you left".

"I isolated" seems really weird to sing, so I'd re-phrase the last two lines. The imagery could also be stronger. Possibly "Isolated in my bubble/No one else could make it in".

The second verse...well, to put it bluntly, it's bland. It doesn't add much to the piece at the moment. You could get away with cutting it, or you could play with the ideas some more. How did the speaker try to fix herself? What has she learned from growing older?

The third verse is much better. The idea of teenage ostracism is hardly new, but the specific imagery makes me picture the speaker and sympathize with her.

Jealousy, fear, anger, and sadness ran my life

Since then I have been turned in the right direction

I have friends now that the bubble's gone

But I wish we had still been in touch all along


So in my mind, this is the bridge of the song (where rhythm changes, the music escalates, etc.). Normally, I'm not a fan of just stating emotions, but I think it could work here. However, I feel like this part could connect the main ideas better. How did the bubble pop and what does it have to do with "you"?

Overall, I think this has a strong hook. A song doesn't have to rhyme to be good or have rhythm. Tweaking the verses and bridge could make this even better. Keep writing! :)




EllaBliss says...


"you" was my first crush, and when he moved away I took it way too seriously. Only this school year is where my best friend, kat13254, took a pin to the bubble and popped it by actually making an effort to speak to me and be my friend. *Answers your question about "you" and the bubble*



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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:44 am
FatCowsSis wrote a review...



Hey @EllaBliss! Felllow team member here to review for you, our team, and my third star! So, when you say at the top that it's weird and dorky and supposedly has no rhyme, I just want to say there's no reason to apologize for that! This was really good, and better then the song I recently posted! Alright, so I'm gonna give you a pros and cons list and hopefully tell you what I thought of the entire poem at the bottom!

Pros:
1. It was really well written and made sense. It wasn't one of those songs that is like, I'm going to be on a boat, then teleport over a lavafall, now I'm flying, and then I'm asleep and now I'm dead. (Don't have anything against those songs!)
2. It seems to be about you or someone close to you. Personal experience is always better when you write. It helps with emotion and getting the point across.
3. I loved how you had the chorus twice at the end! I know that's common, but it really fit with this!

Cons:
1. ...is there any? *Looks frantically for something negative to say*....ummmmm, it was too short?? (It really wasn't, just needed to put something here)

Overall, this really is beautiful! When you said at the top is wasn't your best work, I think that is deceiving. This is really good, and I love the whole idea of it!

Keep writing, and I'll see ya in the reviews!
-Sis




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285 Reviews

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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:35 am
GreenTulip wrote a review...



Long, but it is good. This is good, but what is the story behind you writing this? This is amazing well written, but even if it's lyrics/poetry- punctuation never hurts, as it separates your ideas. This is good, and I will share with you some of the stanzas that i liked.

To make friends was the easiest thing(,)

I just never used the power after you left(.)

I was different so I isolated myself(,)

Few of the others made it into my bubble(.)

~Note the comma and period in the parentheses- it is what I would put there.

Jealousy, fear, anger, and sadness ran my life

Since then I have been turned in the right direction(.)

I have friends now that the bubble's gone

But I wish we had still been in touch all along(.)


~GOod luck with future writings, and I hope you enjoyed this review from GreenTUlip.




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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:32 am
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kat13254 wrote a review...



(Two things: One just because were BFF'S I'm not going to be nice. Two. I know what it's about and it's well... I can't even describe it)

Here's my review:
I love this! I couldn't find many mistakes, and even if it doesn't have rhymes the message makes up for it. No one else knows you as well as me and this is about you. You never had friends at your old school, and everyone thought you had emotional issues. Now your life is headed in the right direction. Some people (You know who) may this you still have problems, but everyone has them. Even me who acts like I'm little miss perfect I'm a mess inside, and I'm emotionally weak. The message this gives makes up for the non-rhyming words, and anyone who feels bad about themselves should read this and really think about this message. Once again I will say I love this and the message within this.





By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.
— Genesis 3:19