A girl stands in the middle of a grassy field.
She looks young, less than 10 years old. A gentle breeze tousles her hair and tugs on her simple yet beautiful blue dress.
She locks eyes with the wyvern in front of her, sky blue gaze holding nothing but calmness in face of such peril.
“Do not come close.” she says. “Hurt me and Frey will rip out your ribcage and stuff it down your throat. Mind you, it's not that I will order him to do that; it's just a thing he likes doing. ”
Her shadow twitches. The wyvern snarls and lunges forward, all bared teeth and razor sharp claws.
Immediately, the shadow rises up, changing and distorting. Horns grow out. Fingers lengthen into claws. Spine bends as wings sprout out. The mouth opens wide, too wide, revealing rows of long, needle-like teeth.
It attacks mercilessly, sending bloodstained scales flying in all directions as claws tear through the wyvern’s hide. The girl watches with a dreamy smile.
The gory spectacle is soon over. The shadow hisses at the butchered corpse and turns towards the girl, bowing its head for her to touch. She caresses its jaw, the blood staining her fingers ruby red, and giggles.
“Thank you, Frey.” She says as the creature nuzzles closer. “I would’ve dealt with it myself, but it was sweet of you.”
“Anything for you, dear Alice.” The shadow whispers, shedding the monstrous form. Once it is done, it runs its claws through its host's silky blond hair. “Are you hurt? Do you need anything?”
The girl shakes her head. “I’m fine.” She assures, equally touched and amused by the usual concern. “You know, you don’t have to worry about me so much. I can take good care of myself.”
The shadow chuckles. “I know that.” It replies, withdrawing its hand. “It does not mean that I shouldn’t protect you, though.” It regards her fondly. “My little princess.”
The girl, Alice, motions with her hand; it’s time to go. The shadow obediently shrinks down to rest at her feet (like a good shadow should.) Together, they leave the place of carnage.
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,394 Reviews
Hey there, Eli here to review your short lovely story!
It was a charming story of a little princess and her shadow-y protector, her guard in her life and the one who is taking care of her so gladfully. You pictured us the perfect relationship, the bond, in between the two, the girl and the unknown power that was the so called shadow in your work. Your details are not stunning but not basic and poor, they are enough to fill us with ideas of how the girl is going to look during this scene. You also show us how good the shadow is with the girl, how caring that creature is whatever it actually is even. It gives the creature some life, some character to it. If not, it would just be one hallow being with no senses at all, only there to protect her.
“Do not come close,” she says. (for other similar parts in the work as well)
Once it is done, it runs its claws through its host's silky blonde hair.
The shadow obediently shrinks down to rest at her feet (like a good shadow should).
Overall, that was a great short story and another good read. The only thing that is complex or confusing about me still is why the girl was attacked in the first place?
Keep on writing!
Hey there! Short story month is almost over, so I thought I'd better read this before it ends.
She looks young, less than 10 years old. A gentle breeze tousles her hair and tugs on her simple yet beautiful blue dress.
Your descriptions were really good, in my opinion. There aren't many words to this story but I could imagine everything that was happening.
“Do not come close.” she says. “Hurt me and Frey will rip out your ribcage and stuff it down your throat. Mind you, it's not that I will order him to do that; it's just a thing he likes doing. ”
I'm not sure if you wanted her to sound calm or angry or something else, but if I was writing this I would swap 'says' with 'hisses' to make the second half of her speech more powerful. As it is, she says that Frey will rip out his ribcage like it's something that she sees every day.
It regards her fondly. “My little princess.”
Frey's attachment to the 'princess' was well written. I could see how fond of her he was.
Together, they leave the place of carnage.
Your story was well rounded with a clear beginning, middle and end. My only question is why was she in front of the wyvern and why was it wanting to hurt her? I'm not bothered about why Frey was attached to her, that I can accept. But one sentence explaining why the wyvern is there would be a good addition. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading this. I liked your writing style and the simplicity of this short.
I agree this reads a bit awkward. I'm guessing the girl's eyes are blue, right?
I found this bit of dialogue fun.
Frey sounds cool and quite gentleman-like, and its loyalty to Alice is pretty sweet. I like the idea of Alice's shadow actually resting inside her shadow.
This was really short but I think it ended on a good note. I feel like Alice and her shadow friend encounter bloodiness like this on a day-to-day basis. (Is this Alice in Wonderland related?) Really good!
Hey there, this is really amazing (I hit enter too quickly last time and it submitted my comment oops)
Your short story is a perfect length and for that length, you don't either use to0 much or too little description. In a short story, it can be hard to give the reader the perfect amount so they understand what is happening and what is going on in the surroundings. You have found the perfect middle in this piece.
I love your description and vocabulary in this sentence, but it is a little confusing. I had to read it twice to make sure I understood it correctly. I'm not quite sure how you should fix this, maybe split it into two sentences?
I also wonder why all of Frey's dialogue is bolded it definitely makes it stand out, but I think everything they say doesn't need to be bolded. Maybe you could explain why you choose to do this to me?
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this and I hope my review is helpful to you!
Sláinte -Junel
Hey, wow this is amazing.