Published May 31, 2008
So you want to be a writer?
Well- show me what you’ve got.
Place it in the slush pile, and be warned--
I’ve seen quite a lot.
What’s this about your college grades?
I’m not interested in your pride.
I want your words to jump out at me,
and to glimpse the animus that roars inside.
The first paragraph bored me,
and the second made me scoff.
A story about a talking lamp?
That’s enough to finish me off!
The letter was, in places- a reasonable way
to cheat, maybe even sway this old codger.
But as for giving me missed commas and plagiarism,
You’re no artful dodger!
So dear Mr Hopeful, although
I’m sure you will not remain unsigned.
I’m afraid that your sample,
has been regretfully declined.
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Excusing Snoink's lion-delusion and brash commentary (love you Snoink), I do agree with most of her comments. I think the "animus" line is really a little much, considering the semi-humorous and informal tone of the rest of the poem.
I think this stanza would be more snappy if you removed the word "quite." It's sort of like a hurdle as it is - read it out loud both ways. I don't know, maybe others would disagree, but I like the short version.
I like the situational irony that stems from the fact that this is a poem that you've put up for critiquing, so now I'm giving constructive criticism on a piece about constructive criticism. But it was funny.
Finally a consistent rhyme scheme! ^_^
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this. I enjoyed it very much. As I said in the above statement, your rhyme scheme was consistent all the way through, but you fell off the rhythm in parts. Particularly in the second stanza.
I'm referring to the last line. In comparison to the last lines of the other stanzas there were far too many extra syllables. On a more positive note, I did enjoy your third and fifth stanzas.
Overall, well done and I hope to see more from you. ^_^
Hehehe! Funny poem!
The biggest thing would be some of the metering seems forced and whatnot. The odd stanzas were good--the even stanzas sucked. So yay? I shall be frank, since I figure you can handle it:
What’s this about your college grades? <-- This made me laugh.
I’m not interested in your pride. <-- Pride seems to be a wrong word, though it might be cool if you tie it in with something solid... like a lion! Get it? Lion, pride? XD
I want your words to jump out at me, <-- DON'T USE JUMP. Leap! Bounce! Charge! I don't care! Just not jump.
and to glimpse the animus that roars inside. <-- THIS LINE IS SO BLEEDING CHEESY. >< For one, it doesn't fit the metering. For another, it's not really solid. It doesnt have any imagery or anything to make me think of anything. And... yeah. It just sucks. "and reveal the lion caged inside" or something would be much better. Yep.
So yeah... you should revise the second stanza. The fourth stanza sucked completely, so you should get rid of it entirely.
Also! This line:
I’m sure you will not remain unsigned.
^ Too many negatives. Get rid of something and it'll be better.
Anyway, hope that helps!
Funny how Demeter said that that staze he quoted sounded like the opening to "So You Think You Can Dance". I was thinking the exact same thing. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. It was very good. That's all that I can say for right now, good job and keep up the good work!
A hit in the face for everyone in YWS! A nice evasion of "I've had enough of all your boring work!"
Great one, E.
The first line reminded me of So You Think You Can Dance and the second one of a Pokémon song I once heard.
Great. I know exactly how you feel.
Though this rhymes, it should be "the second one".
The idea was really nice. The title got me at the very end, and it was after that when I noticed it was your poem. Good work, once again.
Best wishes
D xx
Everything flowed wonderfully to me except for this stanza...
I'm not sure if its the wording or the punctuation that messes up the flow of this stanza, but something sure is messing with it! Everything else rhymes and flows perfectly except this line, so it must be something.
I think it would flow better--and look better--if you made the stanza look like such:
So Dear Mr. Hopeful, although
I'm sure you will not remain unsigned,
I'm afraid that your sample
has regretfully been declined.
I added a period, took away a period, added commas, and took away a comma. Just simple punctuation rearranging.
Overall
Beautiful idea!!! I like how the poem is set up like a critique (it's supposed to be, I assume) and it sounds as though the narrator is actually critiquing someone's poetry. Kindly, but a critique nonetheless.
Other than my two nitpicks, the poem doesn't need anymore work done to it--in my opinion. Hope I helped!
-x-Ashes
Hi I am GordonRamsayLuver you might have heard of me. So about your poem... I like the rhyme scheme. It is constant which is good. I also liked it had details. But I do have one question though what is a slush pile?
"So dear Mr Hopeful, although"
After although you should place a comma.
But other than that it was good.
Keep up the good work.
GordonRamsayLuver