Now that Ieatworms has vacated the Society, I can post all my poems I've written about how terrible she made me feel. This is the most recent.
The first time,
You were everything;
Imprinted in my mind,
Having conquered my soul.
The first time, I died for you.
“You’re not doing this for me…”
You, and only you.
The second time,
You were merely there;
Expelled from my mind,
Yet haunting my soul.
The second time, I died to escape.
“You’re doing this to get to me.”
For you no longer.
This time,
You were gone;
Dismissed from my mind,
And releasing my soul.
This time, I died for me.
“Why show this to me?”
To prove you are forgotten
There will be no next time.
Now, I live.
HELP ME FIX IT!
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Canary word: Present
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Thank you very much!
Sorry to hear about your own experiences with this...it sucks.
I really liked this poem! It's so relateable and powerful. The only thing I can think that would have fixed it was if you posted it before she/he left. but overall i really liked. i especially liked the quotes. unfortunately I did the same thing Ieatworms did to one of my boyfriends, but carma is vengeful and then a guy did it to me. this poem gave me a knarley sting of regret, and depression. but awesome job, anyways.
hmmm....I must be very out-of-the-loop. I remember ieatworms but I didn't know about all of the drama...
Anyway...it was good. I mean, it was very vague and relatable, applicable to just about anyone and anything. But that's just cuz i had no clue what was going on.
Ok, next draft. Removed all but the quotations and the punctuation within the quotes. Also added line breaks after "The first time..." etc. Improvement?
The first time
You were everything
Imprinted in my mind
Having conquered my soul
The first time
I died for you
“You’re not doing this for me…”
You, and only you
The second time
You were merely there
Expelled from my mind
Yet haunting my soul
The second time
I died to escape
“You’re doing this to get to me.”
For you no longer
This time
You are gone
Dismissed from my mind
And releasing my soul
This time, I died for me
“Why show this to me?”
To prove you are forgotten
There will be no next time
Now I live.
HELP ME FIX IT!
Ooooooooh, very relatable! I believe I left before this ieatworms person's time, but after reading this, I'm not sure I'm sad I missed out on her. Anyways, on to the poem!
I agree wholeheartedly with Chevy in saying that all punctuation should be stolen from their beds in the dead of night and murdered brutally. (Forgive me, I still have some horrible metaphors that are still left over in my head from NaNoWriMo. ^.^) It just seems to break everything up and I find myself concentrating on HOW you are expressing rather than WHAT you are actually expressing.
And ... well ... I guess that's it really. Awesome poem, though, very relatable (as I said before. Doh!). I definitley need to see more of you. Who would have thought it: Hunter writing poetry!
You probably do, Crys--as you do, Carmina, you just aren't putting the pieces together. It's the three times I would be dead had someone not interfered...
Once when D dumped me the second time, once out of the blue one night talking to Crysi, and the third time a few days ago....I need a way to clarify that if you have any ideas.
Hmm... There's something awkward about the flow to me. I'll look at it when I'm not drugged up on cold medicine.
I believe I know what the three times are...
I thought you should have posted even before she left, but whatever. For this poem, I like the second to the last line of each stanza as a quote. That was nicely done. Content question, what exactly do you mean by "I died." I know you don't mean it literally because you can only die once. By die do you mean change? Sacrifice? I think that "die" is overused in poetry and is a touch too dramatic. That is my opinion of that word in most poems, and I don't mean to pick on you. You just asked how it can be made better. The only other critique I have is that second to the last stanza. "This time" sounds like present tense. "You were gone" is past tense. Some continuity between the two is needed. It would fit the rest of poem if you said, "The last time." Then you can keep the rest of the stanza in the past tense and it would work just fine. I really like the last two lines. They are the perfect way to end this poem. I haven't read a lot of poetry by you. Is there more coming?
I like it. Very meaningful, powerful, and simple. Good job, champ. (and I suck at helping people "fix" poetry... just ask Max... so I'll just leave it at this)
Aww. I'm sorry that she/he treated you badly.
(Honestly I don't know if they were a male or female, their gender setting was FEMALE but one time they mentioned their name was... Dennis or something? Or Jack... or... something...)
Anyway, I liked this, I'm not that good with poems right now, I'm so tired...
I liked this, it's good you can express your feelings.
Well, I'm not much of a poet myself but I would suggest ditching the punctuation except for the quotations. But honestly, I doesn't need that much work...it's pretty good actually. But all leave that for the experts to decide. :)
Chevy's Critiquing Scale
far left colon - not so great
far right colon - excellent
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