Young Writers Society

Yeah, I know I wasn't supposed to read this one. Teehee.

I hate the title. 1) You only get one first kiss. Sorry I don't have a word for "first kiss with a particular person". 2) A title, by its nature, should leave a thought dangling. Ellipsis points (...) are just irksome at this stage.

[quote] The first one was different
But this one was grand
Eyes closed
Lips parted
Tongues twisted
Souls joined [/quote]

Somehow I really doubt the first kiss was any different. That all comes with the territory. I agree with Carmina- the event doesn't matter so much as the feeling.

Still, a promising starting point. Good luck.

I think the title kind of spolied it...well, if what's in quotations at the top is the title, that is. However this line was great: "This first kiss, so different from the last; " But I think it would be more of an impact towards the end of the poem if you know what I mean. But heck, I'm no expert on poems about love because I don't know what it is...so therefore I can't relate. But for those who can relate, I think its good.

I'm not a very good poetry critic, but I liked this. It wasn't fabulous, but it was good. I agree with Carmina that the best stanzas are the 3rd and 4th. Even though, I disagree that which kiss you are talking about needs to be defined. This is poetry and up for interpretation.

Good work.

-Sarah

Which kiss are you writing about? Are you reflecting on a a second kiss with one person and comparing it to the first kiss with this person? Or are you writing about the first kiss with a new person and comparing it the last kiss with the old one? I find the distinction a little muddy. I really like the 3rd and 4th stanzas. I'd take out the 5th one about electricity. I'm sorry but htat has been done to death. "Is this only a dream" has also been done. How about "delusion"? Of course then illusion would be too rhyming so don't listen to me. Oh, I would also consider taking out the second stanza or at least toning down the physical description of the kiss. That is not as important (nor is it the focus of) the rest of the piece. I want more the emotion of the kiss. And I am not just saying that because I think I know who you are writing about. If I look objectively at it, it is a good poem. It just needs a little focus.

We are sorry. Inquisitor, Zentillius, and Meshalidar have been suspended due to mendacious and pathetic behavior. Please excuse him.

Not bad. There is definitely some potential for a great poem. I'll try to help and suggest improvements.

This first kiss was so different from the last
So full of passion and hungry for pleasure

The first one was different
But this one was grand
Eyes closed
Lips parted
Tongues twisted
Souls joined

This kiss left me breathless
And wondering why
I never felt this before

Though I'd been through the motions
Countless times before
And never felt this way
Not once

And yet this one kiss courses through me
Like a jolt of electricity
Powering my body and
Lighting the circuits of my soul.

Have I found the one
Who will show me the true meaning
Of the word Love?

Or is this only a dream,
Just an illusion
A hallucination
Brought on by the loss
Of the woman I love.

Thanks for the reply, TBR--anyone else? I'd really appreciate some help on this, or at least some input...

Tsk tsk tsk, I don't want to be the motherly type but CLEAN YOUR ROOM!!
Ok for the poem... I kinda felt that the thing was totally choppy and as some say, hard to read, (even though i read english)

There was great emotions and I tried to not imagine you kissing somebody so I imagined a kitten playing with yarn. Don't get me wrong it was a good poem... but maybe you can extend the lines so they wont' be 4 words each. Like (i'll do the first 2 stanza's):

This first kiss was so different from the last
So full of passion and hungry for pleasure

The first kiss was different but this one was grand
Our eyes were closed, our lips parted
Tongues twisted and souls joined

I switched the place where tongues and souls were because it made a bit more since to put body parts seperate from invisable forces Nice job Hunter.