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Breaking News: Super Hose “Extinguishes” Pesky Sun

by EfflorescentSmile


         All you ever hear on the radio or on the news is how we will be the cause of our own demise. Surprisingly, the cause does not lie with McDonalds at every street corner. It is the global warming and environmental issues messing with our everyday lives, which is, of course, our fault. Reduce, reuse, recycle--the early 21st century theme song for the schools to brainwash the mindless children, including your own. Yes, it has some importance to it. The poor polar bears and penguins are begging for our help. Let us just face the reality. The sun is far too hot. SPF 500 would not suffice for the sunburns we face. The building of the many McDonalds and oversized malls was a necessity for the welfare of the world, because trees do not produce oxygen or anything. We are in need, however, for a superfluous number of malls and high-population density-of-obese-persons-restaurants, As to our main problem as a collective humanity, I have a simple solution. Too hot? Let us cool down the sun.

        The Earth is on fire. There is a secret corporation of green bullies in a “house.” They are destroying the ozone layer, also known as the most important, but least paid-attention-to, layer. These green bullies are releasing upwards of 25,000 particles of carbon dioxide which are then being shot into the atmosphere. Since restaurants and fancy stores are much more important over trees, the carbon dioxide is trapping the heat and is baking the Earth as we speak. However, that is perfectly fine, the little penguins and polar bears will have a warmer place to live in the future. Similarly, cars are an issue. Those obnoxious people you hear revving their engines to make themselves sound intimidating? They are a major cause for the destruction of the I-already-forgot-the-name layer. It is a well-known fact that Lamborghini or Mustang drivers release much more green bullies gases in the air, about 76.9% more. I guess the only option is to go to space.

         I propose that we create a space program in which we have one goal, and one goal only: to extinguish the sun. When will this be done? At night and over the winter, of course! It will be the coolest at that time, right? Then a thousand semi-qualified firefighters will be selected from a hat and will be sent to the sun. They will take a giant, all American, made in China hose to the sun and pelt 30 billion tons (that is, more than twelve entire gallons) of water at its surface. Slowly. Very slowly it will begin to cool down and eventually in a half hour, it has cooled down the sun to just a hard rock. That will keep our Earth cool now. Since it is not our psychological side speaking when we feel heat from lights, we will use those to provide us with Vitamin C and it will cause our plants to grow. We will manage to live our lives happily without the harsh beams of ultraviolet rays scalding us.

         The possible benefits from this obviously flawless plan are literally infinite. Since the sun is now cooled down, another civilization will be able to be created. Especially after the fact the firemen went against multiple laws of science, leaving anything and everything possible. Back down to the beloved Earth, heat will not be a problem. No more whining teenage girls speaking of their overly tan and blistered skin because they did not want to wear suntan lotion, because of its excessive greasiness. The polar ice caps will remain an icy wasteland for the penguins to roam free and create their igloos. The obnoxious drivers may flaunt, toot their horns and destroy their engine as much as they please, because the green bullies will be ran out of business. Everything will be nice and “chill.”

       Hands down, this proposal is the best and most effective plan ever created by a mortal in all of recorded and unrecorded history. The solution could not be as simple as planting more trees or using natural resources to provide for gas that is being released into the air by the dozens. That seems too easy, and everyone knows it is never that simple. Do not heed to the “Reduce, Reuse and Recycle” song. It is only a catchy tune and nothing more. Recycling seems utterly unhygienic and non-economical. Constantly needing to separate your recycled goods is difficult enough, but realizing the fact that it will be used again after its usage seems preposterous. Its not going to go through a huge cleansing process or anything, but will be patched together with someone else for some poor naive soul. Eventually everyone will live like the hobos. Oh and those solar panels. Terrible idea. It is definitely so last year. It’s not like the sun can provide us with energy/power.

        The sun has been a trouble for us for far too long. It is time to make a difference, make a change. Cooling down the sun is the only way we will survive the dreaded heat and avoid all the complications we get from staying out too long. The sun is not a prominent power source, and thus it is no use to us. So why deal with the detriments when its significance is nothing to compare to our painful sunburns. Creating a space program will stimulate the economy, too. It will provide numerous firemen with a government contract, and they will make a lot. (if they do not burn up, which cannot happen. It will be during winter and at night, remember.) This proposal has so many different benefits, you would be a complete babbling buffoon if you did not find this proposal brilliant. No need for applause, I just want to do some good in the world. 


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Mon Sep 07, 2015 11:51 pm
Jaybird wrote a review...



This is hilarious!
Oh, forgot to introduce myself. I'm TheLearningWriter. Nice to meet you!
This is like an essay-A total absurd one. I haven't ever read an essay like this before. Most of them leave me wishing I spent the last minute or two of my life writing or reading or watching YouTube. But this one made me smile instead, and it was totally worthwhile.
My favorite part would have to be the part about defying physics. And the American hose made in China...What wonderful logic this story has. I believe that Spock would be very impressed by the way that you constructed your essay and the content inside of it.
Well, good luck on your future writing endeavors!






Haha, I love that part myself! xD That's just my natural sarcastic personality. It was fun to write because it came out naturally. It's nice to meet you TheLearningWriter! I'm glad you liked it as well. :D



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Mon Sep 07, 2015 10:39 pm
GreenTulip wrote a review...



Oh my god. I am so glad that I clicked on this. I nearly choked on the food I was eating to while reading this.

This is an article that I feel like one of my AP classes would have studies because of some-English-term-I-forgot. This would have been fun to read and to write a response over.

Like the person ahead of me said, this would be the perfect article to go onto Onion.

The article was well written. I loved how it started out with it's serious tone and then we were slowly introduced into the joking funny tone of the piece.

Thank you for sharing!

~Tulip






I'm glad you didn't ACTUALLY choke, but I'm also glad that you enjoyed it. And yes, it's exactly that kind of essay. I wrote it like two years ago, some people liked it, so I thought maybe this community would too. It'd be amazing if I could submit it to the Onion, but that's a dream for now. Thank you for your review! Hopefully others will enjoy it as well. c:



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Mon Sep 07, 2015 5:10 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi there,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you've been having a good time so far - I see you've already done a couple of reviews! :) . Thanks for sharing this. I'm Elinor, and I'm here to give you a review.

I found myself cracking a smile while reading this, because the "let's cool down the sun" proposal is funny in and of itself, and something you would probably find in the likes of the Onion or another great satirical news website. So, you've got a good foundation.

But what kept me from really enjoying this is the construction. It could be a lot shorter, I think, and still get across the same point, and it would probably be even clearer and make it that much funnier! If you do read articles on most satirical news sites, they usually are very succinct. In the first couple of paragraphs I was actually confused with what you were trying to say! It also meanders a bit with when you shift the focus to recycling - I would keep it on the sun.

I do hope you decide to revise this! Best of luck, and feel free to let me know if you have any questions at all!

Best,
Elinor






Ah, thank you Elinor xD. I kind of just thought I'd see what would happen if I posted this. I haven't really edited and kind of wung it. You're right, structural wise, it needs some work and could go a long way. And the Onion is an amazing place. I'll definitely edit this and make it a stronger writing. Thanks for taking the time to review it, I appreciate it and I will surely contact you if I have any questions! :D




The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price