A/N: Ok, so this is a random story I thought of while I was in the car. :) Sorry if it doesn’t make any sense; I just had to put it somewhere. If this story is somehow similar to another story you have read, I promise it is just a coincidence and I had no idea. Great minds think alike though, right? ;)
Also, “Shields” are just the futuristic term for police/guard, by the way… :)
And sorry it’s so long! I didn’t mean for it to be so long!
So, without further ado, prologue of ‘The Disappearance’!
Prologue
Birds. Squirrels. Rabbits. I can see and hear them all. The birds shaking water out of their feathers; the squirrels scurrying up the trees; the rabbits chewing on their food. All of it.
I’ve been like this ever since I can remember. When I was a kid, everyone would ask me how I could see that far or hear the softest sounds. Sometimes I ask myself the same question. I don’t know how I can do it.
I just can.
The eye and ear doctors always say the same report every appointment. “Wow, another perfect test!” They joke around and say I’m not human. Maybe I’m not.
I’m certainly not human when it comes to a social life at school. Apart from my good hearing and sight, I’m nobody. Even though I’m good at the games we play in gym class or singing or being the smartest of the smart, I’m nobody.
Everyone thinks I’m a quiet person, shutting people out of my heart. I guess that’s partly true; ever since my parents, there is only one person I can let into my heart. When I’m at home with my older brother Seth, I’m myself. I can be funny and sarcastic and weird without any judgments from him. It’s just me and him. Him and me. No parents.
At least, not anymore.
They disappeared one night when I was five years old and Seth was nine. I still remember Seth dragging me to the city's guard office with tears of fear in his eyes. I asked him what was going on, and he just shook his head and said, "Not now, Rae." Later on, after the guards had talked to Seth, he told me our parents went missing. I cried right there and then. I was only five years old, but I was smart enough to understand what was going on. Every Shield went looking for them. After a few dreadful years of searching, they pronounced them dead. I was nine by then, and Seth was thirteen years old. Something in me died when I heard the news. I’m sure the same thing happened to Seth, too. During the sorrowful years where Seth and I were still mourning over our parents’ deaths, we had many wordless and emotional nights together.
During those sorrowful years, I had grown up, matured, and became stronger because of our parents' death. I was still suffering inside, but I decided to put it away somewhere and get over them. Seth hadn't progressed much, though. He still moped around the house and sat around staring into space. I had gotten pretty tired of it. After a while of trying to tolerate it, I finally told him to wake up. When Seth was sixteen years old, he finally realized he was now the leader of the Sterling household when I had shouted at him to become a man. I had been been pushed a bit too far on one of those emotional nights. I yelled at him, telling him he should man up and get a job. I told him to just try and get over our parents' death. The fight ended with both of us in tears, hugging each other. The next day, he got a job at the lab, taking advantage of his scientific mind. Immediately, he was liked by the head scientists. He was able to solve many of the problems the other scientists couldn't do. They took him in and made him their intern. We got a lot of money from them. We tried to begin our old lives slowly, but we knew it would never be the same.
Gradually, we started to become normal again. Now, years later, we are back to our regular selves and our life is almost alive again. Almost. But every now and then, I hear Seth crying in the middle of the night. I cannot understand his sadness though. He knew our parents more than I did. He had more to lose than I did. I wish they didn’t disappear.
--------------------------------------------------
Seth once told me the story of how our parents found me deserted on the street when I was a baby. He was four years old and I was about a few months old. Our parents were walking home from a movie date and they heard the cries of a baby. It was me; I was hidden behind the trash cans by our house.
Abandoned, starving, bruised and bloody.
I was months old and I could’ve died. As soon as my parents found me, they took me to a doctor. The doctors all reported back, saying I should’ve died, considering the state I was in. All I was was a pile of bones with a thin layer of skin covered with cuts and bruises. It was a miracle I survived. Maybe it was. But to this day, I still wonder: If I was so close to dying, why didn’t I? I was only a few months old, and a baby so young should have died from whatever I went through before I was abandoned.
I don’t think my “miracle” is true. I somehow know something else happened to me before I was found. Aside from being an unwanted child, what else could’ve happened in the past to me? I guess that’s just another one of the mysteries of me.
--------------------------------------------------
On his twentieth birthday, my brother Seth disappeared. I had brought Alex home for Seth to meet for the first time, when he nowhere to be found. The only evidence that showed something bad happened was the broken window, the knife, and the trail going into the woods. The house suddenly seemed so lifeless without him. I couldn't just stand around and wait for him to be found.
Ever since the episode with my parents, I had made a mental note to myself to find out what happened to both of them. And now, Seth is nowhere to be found, and I don’t want him to be in danger. He’s the only family I have left.
So this time, instead of announcing to the lousy searchers for Shields my brother went missing, I decided to find him myself, also on a mission to find out what really happened to my parents.
It was a rainy night when I set out to find him. I was overcome with emotions I did things before I thought about them. Those actions changed my life completely. Read my story.
A/N: So yeah…. That’s it. :) Was it a good beginning? I hope it was! I’m hoping to have Chapter 1 up by tonight, so keep your eyes out for it! :) Feedback would be great!
Until next time…. Keep reading and writing!
~Renee
Okay, waaaaay too much info on ages.
Was Seth actually nine when he got a job at a lab? I can't think of anything very pleasant a nine year old could do at any lab. How old is he? I think some people below me noticed this too . . . I'd advise you to just go through it, and straighten all of your ages out, that would do amazing wonders for this story.
But, the idea seems original, and I really, really, appreciate original ideas.
This would make a great prologue. However, remember, you're using narrative summary to write here, you've gotta remember that flashbacks and actual telling are SOOOOO much more effective when you're writing a novel, your reader wants to be able to immerse him/her self in the story. Obviously looking at the world through your main characters eyes really is better than telling the story from somewhere ------------------------------------ way out here.
But, this has potential, seeing as I assume this is a first draft I'll keep this review to a minimum. But! You really need to draft it before moving on.
But be sure to move on, it really seems to have potential!
Keep writing.
JB
Thank you! Yeah i'm going to fix those things now.
Chapters 1 and 2 are up if you want to read that
Howdy sleep! Dogs here with your review as requested
. Well I'm just going to jump into the quick comments, firstly interesting start for this piece. Although, I would suggest that because you gave an example for the rabbits and birds that you should also give one for the squirrels.
As you continue on to your supernatural hearing/seeing, I think you should set up the scene for that context more. Describe the interactions between the squirrels and birds and rabbits and what not. Give us a little bit more description before you jump into your supernatural bit.
"and Seth was 9 years old"
Minor detail, but because in the previous few words you say that you were "5 years old" just say: "and Seth was 9." Another note, you shouldn't use the numbers but instead write them out as "five" and "nine." It looks a little sloppy otherwise, you can just put the number for bigger numbers such as 1024 and stuff like that.
"When Seth finally realized he was the leader of the Sterling household, he got a job at the lab."
At nine years old Seth got a job at a lab? That bit seems a little improbable. To make this fit more, either briefly describe years of despair and than state when Seth feels like he's the man of the household and say he got a job (probably at 16 for the very lowest age). Or describe in some other way how Seth is supernaturally good in labs and what not.
So this is a good beginning for a book, definitely has a good start but get's rushed when you go into the part about Seth disappearing. That just seemed a little random, also what are the ages of these kids at the time. So to fix the issue with Seth, maybe add in a bit about you coming home to a ransacked home and Seth no where to be found. Or something along those lines. You're creating the mystery well, nice writing my friend. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you! Chapter 1 and 2 are up by the way...
This is great, I really loved the mystery behind it all, I was all like 'whoa, why are her family members vanishing?' o.O
But seriously, this was really good, and I hope to read more from you when I get the chance.
Thanks!
chapter 1 and 2 are up if you want to read those 
Months old might not be the best words to yews, maybe a month old would do.
Which birthday did Seth disappear on might need to be a little specific here.
Nice work it is interesting so fare keep it up.
It'll be mentioned in chapter 2 which birthday he disappeared on.
I don't have access to a computer so bear with me. And if it seems I've typed something nonsensical it's probably just my phone's swipe feature messing up. I'll do what I call a micro-review since I'm dog tired and lack the mental cpacity to give you an in depth critique.
Things this story has going for it:
¤A clear and present first person narrator. I feel like you, the author know this protagonist very well and that you will have no trouble speaking convincingly in her voice. (Is it a girl?)
¤A unique yet believeable setting. You mentioned that this story is in the future. A futuristic story can be difficult to pull off but I get the feeling that its not so far in the future as to be unrecognizable to present day readers.
¤The bones of an exciting plot. Right off the bat we have a bizarre physical superability what with the hearing thing, a dark and troubled past with the missing presumed dead parents and possibly the beginning of a futurisric detective story with the disappeared big brother.
Things that could be improved:
¤In an odd twist this story's last pro may be its first con. There's too much going, too many potential paths this story could take. I've found what could be the first sentences of three different stories crammed together into one prologue: "I’ve been like this ever since I can remember."
"I was months old and could've died."
"On his birthday, my brother Seth disappeared."
You can introduced these other details as the story goes on but as far as beginnings go you can't have it all. Pick one path and stick with it.
¤I kinda ran out of gas with that last one so I'll be brief with these next two. There's a lot of telling going on and not a lot of showing. Going with the disappeared brother scenario (my favorite of the three) I want to be left with a concrete image of disappearance; a bed that hasn't been slept in for days, a window curtain fluttering in the afternoon breeze, an empty shoe on the sidewalk against the curb.
¤The last is not just a suggestion to you, but a plea to all aspiring novelists. Prologues? PROLOGUES! Do you really need them? I'll admit I may have a slight bias against them, but it's not without good reason. With few notable exceptions I've never read a novel with a prologue that didn't just slow the plot down and make me say "get to the friggin story already!" Readers, especially in today's world of short attention spans want immediacy. They want the story to already be underway when they get there and no speed bumps or plotholes along the way. So please consider turning your prologue into chapter one, or eight or twenty seven if you prefer. And together we can make prologues go extinct once and for all.
Thanks for posting and for the love of Allah, keep writing!
Thanks so much for the review! First of all, yes Rae is a girl, short for Raelynn.
Just for the record, I'm going through the path of the brother, buuuut there might be a little bit of parts where she finds out why she has super senses. But that's still going to be part of the brother story, so I hope that's okay with you..
And will do on the disappearing setting of it... I'll try to make it as deserted as possible.
Also, so sorry about the prologue part.... I can't really fix it, since this chapter was just meant for the exposition part of the plot, but I'll really try to make Chapter 1 as exciting as possible.
Once again, thanks for the review, it helps a lot!
Until then.... Keep reading and writing!
~Renee
^^
No problemo