A/N: Hey there! Thanks for the reviews everyone! Not on this story, but my other ones too… :) I’m going to try to make this chapter as exciting and good as possible! And let’s not forget, I’m only 12 and I don’t have a lot of experience! Today is Casimir Pulaski Day, so I have no school… :)
Other futuristic terms: “Division” is like a little neighborhood. Not as big as a town, but not as small as a street. “Tech-Screen” is just Rae’s way of calling the newspaper. It’s a huge screen and you could turn its pages like a book, but the papers are screens.
Chapter 1 everyone!
Part 1: The Kidnapping
Chapter 1-Today is Seth’s birthday!
I’m running.
Through an endless alley. I can see my brother Seth far ahead of me. He’s running too, and his head is whirling in every direction, like he’s searching for something. Is he searching for me?
I’m calling his name; I’m screaming. Stomping my feet as hard as I can while I chase after him. Anything to get him to turn around and see me. He’s so close, but yet he’s so far…
Finally, he turns around. Beeeeep! His eyes seem to go right through me, like he doesn’t see me waving my arms and shouting his name. After what seems like forever, he at last spots me. He opens his mouth and says something. Beeeeeeep!! I can just make out what he says. Rae. BEEEEEEP!!!! His face fades away. My eyes shoot open, and for a moment, I feel disoriented to why I heard beeps. Then I remember.
I punch the alarm clock. Finally, it stopped.
6:30. I sit up, groggy.
I’ve been having the same dream every night. I can’t control what I’m doing, and I do the same thing every time. Only this time, when Seth turned around he said my name. That’s some progress right?
I roll out of bed and head for the bathroom. As I pass the stairwell, I hear Seth singing in his morning shower. Wow, he’s a pretty bad singer…. I smile.
Today’s Seth’s birthday. He’s turning twenty years old. I guess that’s why he’s so happy. He finally gets to become one of the head scientists of the lab he started working in. He doesn’t have to be one of the assistants who fetches doughnuts and cleans the toilets for them. Like me. Just four years away… I tell myself.
When I get to the bathroom, I admire my surroundings. I love this bathroom. It’s so pretty and comfortable. My feet feel a soft green rug; my eyes take in the green walls and green tiles and green lights.
I get changed for school.
Yay. Monday.
My straight black hair falls just under my elbows. It's probably about time I cut my long hair. Okay.
I take out long shiny scissors from the left-green-drawer and start snipping some inches off of my hair. I cut until my hair is up to shoulders. This really saves us a lot of money, so I don’t bother to go to one of those trashed up barber shops in our division. Those "barbers" could cut your ear off with just a jerk of their hand. It’s better to just cut your own hair.
I clean up the pieces of hair and examine myself in the mirror. A lean but skinny girl with fiery blazing orange eyes and fair skin reflects back at me.
I feel like something special is today, besides Seth’s birthday. What day is today? I search my brain for any clues to what is going on today. Oh yeah, April 7th; Spring Picture Day. I practice my smile. My eyes are too big and my smile is wrinkling my cheeks. I don’t think I’ll look good.
“Hey, Rae, it’s almost seven! You better get down here if you want something to eat,” Seth calls from downstairs.
“Yeah I’m coming!”
I brush my teeth quickly and put away everything in the bathroom. I run down the stairs, eager to greet Seth a happy birthday and tell him how bad a singer he is. When I arrive in the kitchen, I find Seth at the table bent over the Tech-Screen with his face scrunched up in concentration. He’s probably trying to solve another one of those crossword puzzles.
“Hey stupid. Happy Birthday.”
He looks up, smiling. “Yo. You took a little too long in the bathroom, and I was so hungry I kind of ate all the bacon,” He smirks at me.
A wave of annoyance and playfulness washes over me. “Okay, have it your way then. I guess that means no birthday cake for you tonight,” I shoot back.
It’s amazing how fast his expressions change. He holds his hands up in surrender.
“Alright, alright! I made you a sandwich,”-he jabs his thumb in the direction of the fridge-“it’s in there.”
I grin. “Thanks. See you later.” I grab the sandwich and my green backpack and start to walk out the door. Then I remember something.
“Hey Seth?”
“What?” He calls back.
“You’re a terrible singer!”
“Well, thank you very much!”
I laugh. I hope he can hear me laughing.
“I love you!”
“Love you too,” Seth says.
Smiling, I walk out the door.
Seth doesn’t have work today because it’s his birthday, so he has the whole day off to do whatever he wants. I wonder what he’ll do.
My route to the school is to go through Bengs division and Hawayatha Division and the school will be right there.
Hawayatha Division is Alex’s division. I’ve been having a little crush on him for a long time now. Before, when I started high school, I was always looking at him all the time, even I didn’t mean to. It was like my super eyes were trained to look at him all the time. I guess that was how I started to like him, because I always saw what he was doing. He was usually helping other people and doing something good. He doesn’t notice me though. No one really does. He’s one of the cute popular guys. You know, athletic, football player, and insanely handsome? But I know he’s smart, too. He’s in all of my advanced classes. So in a way, he’s like me.
Except the whole “popular” part.
As I walk through Hawayatha Division, my eyes suddenly dart to the right, where Alex is walking out his front door waving to his mother and little brothers and sisters.
He’s so cute. How do his eyes become so green? His hair so brown and spiky? His lean figure so perfect? He’s obviously dating our cheer team’s snotty captain, Lane. Never mind about me being together with him.
I stop walking; I don’t want him to see me and start talking to me. Oh no. He’s seen me and he’s walking over to me. God, what do people do in these situations again?
“Hey! Rae, isn’t it?” He frowns. “Are you okay? You don’t look so good.” He must’ve seen how tense I looked. Suddenly I don’t feel so fine.
“Uh… Yeah… I just- I don’t feel so good right now.” I manage to stammer out. Idiot.
His frown becomes deeper. “Oh. Maybe you should see the nurse when we get to school.”
We?
“Yeah, sure.” I tell him. I start to walk away, trying to end the conversation. He follows me until he comes up next to me, walking in stride with me. Why is he suddenly being so nice to me? All of the football players usually shove me around and taunt me. Why isn’t he? Sometimes Alex is with them, but he doesn’t help in pushing me around. He just stands there, watching.
We walk together in silence for a moment. He speaks up first.
“So, I heard today’s your brother’s birthday. Wish him happy birthday for me?”
I hope he doesn’t see my blushing face. I nod. “Thanks. I’ll tell him. He has the whole day off from work today,” I say.
He chuckles. “Lucky him.” I find myself chuckling with him. Maybe he’s not so bad.
“Did you get a haircut? It looks shorter.”
“Yeah, I cut it myself.” I mentally slap myself. Why did I say that? Do I want him to think I’m a weirdo or something?
“Oh. That’s cool. It looks cute.” He smiles at me.
“Thanks.” I feel myself turning red.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, we approach the school. He waves goodbye to me and jogs over to a group of people calling his name. Lane is among them; she gives me a death glare. I walk faster, but in my fearful but angry thoughts, I give her a glare back.
I go to my locker. I start to type in the last number of my combination. Through the corner of my eye, I see something round and rough coming at me. It bonks me on the head. I lose my balance and fall, hitting my head severely hard on the floor. I feel really dizzy for a few seconds. My vision blurs and all I see are colors huddled around me. I hear someone shouting; I feel something warm dripping down the side of my head.
I try to stand back up, but the pain in my head refuses to let me. I tumble back down. It hurts like someone just threw ten-thousand hammers at my head, hitting me in the same place. I suddenly have to hurl. Spots jump around my vision like they’re at a party. My hearing becomes muffled, like I just put in earplugs.
Out of all my disoriented thoughts, there’s only one that concerns me: This is the first time my vision and hearing aren’t working.
Right before I black out, I feel someone scooping me up in their arms. I can feel something beating right next to my ear. Wow, their heartbeat is really fast.
A/N: Ok, to be honest, this isn’t the best beginning, in my opinion. I really really tried to make it exciting. I hope I did. Read and review! Feedback would be appreciated!
Until then… Keep reading and writing!
~Renee
You are very enthusiastic and passionate about writing I can tell haha. I couldn't write half as good as you do when I was twelve! you have something and I bet if you keep practicing you'll become an excellent writer.
Just a word of advice that will hopefully help you: be non-attached to what people think. If someone thinks you're the best writer in the whole universe don't get too happy cause it's just an opinion. If someone thinks you're terrible at writing and are saying negative stuff about your writing don't get too miserable cause it's just an opinion.
If you get lost in what other people think about your writing then you are sure to fail. You might even eventually want to give up writing completely because one person said they didn't like it. This doesn't mean you shouldn't pay attention to people's opinions because you will be able to learn from all the many things people have to say. Just don't get attached is all. I made that mistake when I was about your age and stopped writing for a long period of time and I regret doing that.
You're doing great and the story is quite entertaining. Not exactly full on action like I think you wanted it to be but it's good anyway. I think maybe romance or comedy is more your style rather than action and adventure.
Keep writing!
Thanks I understand. Chapter 2 is up if you feel like reading it...
Heya! I'd like to start by saying that I love your enthusiasm. Really makes a hermit like me look bad.
Oh, and welcome to YWS! Hope you enjoy your stay. ^^
Anywho, review times.
Are you quite sure you're twelve? 'Cause this is some pretty solid writing. You show some serious potential; I don't know how anyone can know how to use a semi-colon at twelve, but hey, the world's full of stuff I don't know. Surprises like this are pleasing. Your vocabulary is quite extensive and you're story telling has a smooth rhythym to it. Really impressive stuff.
Other than praise, I've got a couple of pointers for you.
You probably picked 'descry' to sound fancy, but it is completely out of register. It stands out like a sore thumb and jolts the reader out of the story. Just go for something more ordinary here, boring as it is.
The bolded part sounds like he would want to fetch doughnuts. I'm assuming he doesn't so, use a different phrase to show that being an assistant is a negative thing. Even switching get to have conveys this; pick what you will.
Just get rid of the first 'long', as it is repetitive when you mention it again in Rae's thoughts. Also, a quick tip: instead of just stating 'The hair is black and long.', you can weave this information into a more interesting scenario, such as: 'My dark curls hung way past my shoulders. Maybe it was about time I cut them.' The second is more reactive and gives the reader more to imagine. Note that this is only an example, and not something I'm suggesting you add immediately. Just a tip for future writing.
When you have a quotation and you directly indicate that someone says it with, for example, 'he/she/John/the cat said', you replace the period at the end of the quotation with a comma, like so:
"I don't like cake, it tastes fluffy." John said."I don't like cake, it tastes fluffy," John said.
I noticed this in a couple of other places too, so look over your dialouge and fix them up. You'll learn it better if you test it out yourself.
Those were the key points I had, and while there were some other minor errors or slip-ups, they didn't take away from the story. As for the story itself, I don't think this is a bad beginning; sure, the waking up beginning is used quite a lot, but I think you pulled it off well enough. Your MC has a clear voice and there are other characters who have been fleshed out enough to make them potentially interesting. If there's one place that would need improvement, I'd say it's the very end, with the hit on the head. Maybe it's just good that a twelve year old can't quite make someone being knocked unconscious seem realistic, but it left a little to be wanted. My main complaint is this part:
This just feels uninteresting and flat. I think the main problem is the lack of motion and speed in the imagery. Even though you state that something suddenly happens, the word 'suddenly' doesn't give it that oomph that makes good action good. I'd suggest you practice giving your action portions more depth, because a good action scene can really liven up and highlight the rest of your story, especially the emotions of a character. Emotions are caused by actions, and the better portrayed the action is, the more believable the emotion is to the reader.
Oh, and you missed a 'the' in that sentence. I put it in in blue.
Overall, I think this was a well accomplished work, with a well-set premise for the plot to rest upon and a cast of characters that seem enjoyable. I think you'll go a long way in writing, so whatever you do, don't stop practicing.
Hope this review helps and if you've any questions to ask, don't hesitate to ask them. I don't
usuallybite.Your's truly,
-Life
EDIT: The weird numbers/characters in some of the quotes are quotation marks. They spazzed out for some reason, I don't know why. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Thanks so much!
I guess I can write like that because I have really really good teachers.... But thanks... it inspires me to write more 
I'll fix it back to boring. 
Yes, I meant to put in 'descry' to sound fancy.
I'll fix all of the little things. And for some reason, I overlooked that part where I forgot to say 'the'. Sorry 'bout that.
Once again thanks! Really, thanks! I feel really good now
Looking forward to you reviewing again!
Until then.... Keep reading and writing.
~Renee
Well I think it is rather unusual but interesting although you might have put a little to much detail in the first part of the chapter, I look forward to the second chapter.
I am sure that you are a better writer than me.
No, there are no good writers and bad writers.... I'm bet you're a great writer. Seriously.
And yeah, i think i may have put a little too much detail.... oh well..
And I meant "I bet" not I'm bet....
Thank-you for the encouragement...
Yep.