A/N: Hey! I wasn’t really busy today so I decided to finish writing this chapter and post it! This is in Jay’s POV, but again, if you want me to post Madalynn’s, just say so. This takes place after Madalynn wins the race and everyone is starting to go home. Enjoy!
Part 2
Jay POV
“Hey Jay! Want to come with me to the mall?” Mollie’s annoying voice rings out through all the other voices in the crowd. I tear away my gaze from Madalynn talking to Coach and turn toward Mollie, prepared to tell her to leave me alone.
“No thanks. Got my own plans.” I really don’t, but would you go to the mall with Mollie? Her cheerful expression suddenly leaves her face, anger replacing it. For a second, I just look down at her, startled. It scares me a little, making me forget the thought I meant to say to her when I turned to look at her.
“What do you mean, ‘no’?” She asks in a furious whisper.
“I can’t,” I reply. Then I remember what my purpose for talking to her in the first place was. “Could you just please leave-” I get interrupted by her obnoxious laugh. I notice how forced it sounds to come out casual, even though it leaves her throat smoothly.
“You think you could just reject me and it will all be over and I’ll back off. No. You will like me. You won’t like that freak Madalynn.”Annoyance flares up in my chest. Madalynn is not a freak. She is the most beautiful girl ever with an amazing personality. She’s smart, determined, and hilarious. She’s not a freak. She’s not like Mollie, who lives to taunt and make fun of people.
“You will not talk about Madalynn that way. I thought you were her friend.” By the look on her face, I doubt she ever was. I continue. “I can do whatever I want, and it does not include going to the mall with you.” I snap.
Her face is now red with anger. I smile, trying to make her mad enough to leave me alone. We stand there in silence for a moment. Mollie seems to be think about something pretty intense judging by how her expression turning to mad to concentrating. She flips her long blond locks with her hand in frustration. I wonder what she is planning. Suddenly, she snaps her fingers and a lit light bulb practically floats above her head.
She gives me a look that says, “I’m going to make sure you date me” and stalks off, toward Madalynn, who is sitting on the bench packing her belongings. Theories and possibilities rush through my mind in an instant, trying to figure out what Mollie is about to do. Is she going to start insulting Madalynn? Fight with her? Tell her something bad and untrue about me? I really hope it’s not the last one.
I run to get to Madalynn before Mollie does, but the crowd decides to suddenly thicken at the time when I don’t need it to.
When I finally reach the benches, Mollie has already gotten there, and I was too late. The only thing I could do was listen to their conversation and hope desperately Mollie doesn’t do anything horrible. I lean against the back side of the tree about 20 meters in front of the benches. I strain to hear their exchanging.
I hear Mollie’s high-pitched voice saying, “Hey Madalynn! Great job on that race! Record!” I sneak a look at them. Mollie has a fake smile painted onto her face, making me feel a bit nauseous with disgust. Mollie lifts her eyes and locks them with mine for a second. They display an evil glow to them. It terrifies me enough to root my feet to the ground, frozen.
Even Madalynn looks surprised to Mollie’s sudden kindness. “Oh. Thanks…” She smiles politely, probably wondering why Mollie was congratulating her; she usually never does.
“Yeah, no problem! Hey, so you know that cute guy, Jay?” She speaks like she doesn’t remember catching me and Madalynn on our secret date last summer. I bet she still does. I still remember everything. After she had pulled us apart, every time I try and apologize to Madalynn at school, Mollie always pops up somewhere and steers me in the other direction. Once, I tried getting one of my friends to distract her while I snuck around and went to Madalynn. But… Cec suddenly appeared and pushed me back to Mollie. She threatened to make Madalynn’s secrets go public if I continued to try and see her. Since they pretend to be her friends, they knew as much about her as I do. I wanted to make sure Madalynn had a great life in high school, so I started to avoid her. I never called or texted. Madalynn told me they check her phone when she doesn’t have it with her. I really tried to send Madalynn mental messages through our stares, but they never seem to come to her. Slowly, she started to slip from my fingers. It made me sadder each and every day I saw her. I even saw her talking to other guys, laughing and joking around with them.
Madalynn’s words snap me out of my flashback. “Uh… Yeah, of course I know him. Why?” Oh, no. She will not say anything. NO. Nonononono- “He just asked me out!” Mollie shrieks. That jerk. That jerk! My paralyzed legs have feeling in them again. I’m able to storm over there and tell Madalynn she’s wrong when the love of my life says something I never expected her to say.
“Oh my gosh! He’s totally right for you! Why are you standing here talking to me? Talk to him!” Her voice doesn’t come out with any doubt or sadness or pain or anger. All I hear is pure happiness for her “friend”. Madalynn has truly slipped out of my fingers and left me. My heart sinks to the molten core of the bottom of the earth. I don’t know what I expected Madalynn to say, but I didn’t think this would be what she would say.
“Oh gosh! You’re right! Okay bye!” Mollie starts running in my direction. I am craning my neck, trying to see Madalynn’s face and read her reaction, but Mollie blocks me from view and hugs me. I peel her off of me and shout, “WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!” with anger stirring and swirling around in my stomach. She gives me an innocent smile and says, “What do you mean, BF?” I am too furious to even answer. I start to walk away from her while raking my hands through my hair.
“Wait!” She calls to me.
I whirl around. “WHAT? What do you want from me?”
She walks over to me and glares. She ignores what I just said and simply says, “You date me, Madalynn is left alone and unharmed. No one, the girls, and not even me will bother her. You date me and pretend to like it. If you don’t, Madalynn will not enjoy the rest of her high school experience. Understand?” I am shocked; I can’t do this to myself, but I most certainly can’t let them hurt Madalynn in any way. I decide what I want to do.
I nod. “Understood."
A/N: Review! :)
Very nice but still I don't see how Mollie could make her have a bad time.
Hi Renee,
I wrote a review on these a couple of days ago but due to net problems, it didn't come out. Sorry that you didn't get it earlier.
it reads a bit odd. I think it would sound clearer if you just say: "...making me forget what I was going to tell her when I turned to her"
(just a suggestion)
this paragraph at the beginning parts sound whiny, I have an inkling it was partly intended but I would suggest to tone it down. It would sound more realistic then.
I have previously said that you're writing is clean. That is the same case here at the lower parts of this paragraph. The narrator shows his affection for Madeline. But I want to suggest showing this positive traits of Madalynn at different intervals. Because I think it would give more effect if we know Madalynn is smart, determined, and hilarious through her behaviors.
I think the story is progressing good. The reader is filled with curiosity when he/she hears about Madalynn's secret. Jay's character is also interesting.
Keep writing.
Puck
Thanks for the review
Interesting. I can't believe how snotting and mean this girl is! At first I was really really confused but you explained everything wonderfully and at the end I'm just sitting here with my mouth hanging open amazed at how mean that girl is! Although, I don't know why this girl wants to date this boy against his will and why Madalynn would have to suffer if he didn't but maybe that's something I just have to wonder. Also it confused me when you said that Mollie complemented Madalynn on the race but Madalynn was confused as to why Molly was complementing her but then a paragraph or two later, Madalynn was happy for her 'friend' when Mollie told her that the boy asked her out. If Mollie was her 'friend' then Madalynn shouldn't be confused as to why Mollie was complementing her.
Other than that, the story was good, I only noticed one thing wrong, the last sentance, "Understand."
If you are saying you understand something and someone says, "Do you understand?" you would nod and say "Understood." not "Understand." Keep writing!
Ohhh okay! I'll fix that last sentence.
thanks! I have 2 other parts to this story but for some reason they wouldn't go in the same folder in my portfolio, but it'll be there if you look in my portfolio. 
Thanks for the review
~Renee
Hey there!
I didn't read the first part so I shall review based on this part alone! First off, it's pretty well done! It got my attention pretty quick, but I find you used quite a bit of dialogue and less of narration. Make sure to balance it out, we don't want to see two characters arguing with each other for the majority of the story.
Since I didn't read the first part, I don't exactly know what is going on. But my guess is it's a love triangle. Jay like Madalynn but Mollie likes him. However Jay hates Mollie because of her attitude. At the same time Mollie pretends to be a "friend" to Madalynn. It's a typical love triangle, slightly cliche yes, but a good plot can be made from here. I'm interested to see where this goes, and how the characters will work with one another in this. Just don't focus too much on one person since there's three people here. In this chapter you focus alot on Jay and Mollie, maybe in the next part you could talk about Jay and Madalynn? Just a suggestion!
The way Jay reacts to the turn of events is pretty realistic, and it's quite a good start to showing his character and also how he feels towards both the girls. He's clearly pissed off by what Mollie did but at the same time he's stuck in between the two girls. Develop on that aspect of him and you should have a pretty good character made there.
Overall, great story here! It's a good plot and the storyline is developing at a smooth pace. Just don't overdo the dialogue with caps because it gets annoying when used too often.
Cheers!
Thanks for the review! The first part called "That Girl" is where it contains a lot of focus on Jay and Madalynn. It says some stuff about their secret date and everything. And Madalynn's POV, "That Boy", talks about it too.
I would have put all these stories in a folder in the portfolio, but for some reason it doesn't work when I try to add a folder. So yeah, maybe just go to my portfolio and it will all hopefully be there somewhere.
Thanks again!
~Renee