Madalynn POV
I’m ready.
All I have to think about is how hard I worked. The scolds, the crying, and the pain. I have to think about it all in order to win. All I have to do is channel in the anger and frustration and sadness and cross the finish line.
Let’s do this.
“Take your marks!”
I’m ready.
I look up at Jay, the dream guy I could never have anymore. For a second, I think he’s staring at me. For another second, I miss him deeply. But… Nah, he doesn’t like me. Remember?
BOOM! I take off. I picture my coach’s face. His mouth, which spits out every single insult and scold; his big horrendous eyes. God, that guy scares me.
No. I cannot lose.
I have to win.
I run and run, knowing I am far ahead from everyone but not daring to slow down.
I think about Coach. About how disappointed he would be if I didn’t win.
He would yell and scold and mutter insults…. I say to myself.
I run even harder, not caring at how much air my lungs need. That’s not as important compared to this race. I don’t know how far I’ve ran, but soon the red line comes into view.
It suddenly feels like it’s all happening in slow motion. My legs-which are burning at the moment-feel like they’re moving slower, the cheers coming down to just a blur. And then I finally step over the line, instantly feeling victorious.
Yes! Record time!
I have been waiting for this moment for so long! I deserve this. No matter who says so, I deserve winning this race because I’ve worked hard enough to call it hard work.
When I look around, I see a crowd cheering for me. But I only see one person. His brown eyes jump out at me. Jay has a huge smile on his face, just watching me.
His eyes make me remember our first secret date together last summer. Mollie and Cec were supposedly at the mall shopping for their new ‘back-to-school’ clothes. We were sitting on top of his car right by the river while looking at the moon and stars. We were debating about how much we love each other. It was all perfect. I would never forget the moment, the feelings, and the love. Then Mollie showed up. I could still remember her screams telling me to get off of him, her hands grabbing me to separate us, and her friends trying to take his attention off of me. Ever since then, I feel like he’s avoiding me. He told me that night he would never let anything get in between us, so I thought he wouldn’t let my friends get in between us. But I was wrong. Soon he stopped seeing me altogether. Even though we never talked, I think it was clear we broke up.
I look away. He doesn’t care about me anymore. He just cares about our team. Yes, that’s why he’s smiling at me. Because I had just led our team to victory.
That’s why.
I’m sure.
Author’s note: so there it was! I hope you guys liked it! I tried to take my reviewers’ advice and fix everything. I hope I did fix everything!
I really have no clue on what to do next. Should I continue on this story? If so, what should I do? PLEASE review! It would help a lot! I need as much feedback as possible. :)
That's a really good story! I'm already hooked! Yes! Please continue! If I may offer my personal opintion, I think you should make it a shorter story and have Madalynn pull away from her friends and pull closer to Jay and have them get back together. Not abandon her friends, but stand up to them and them accept Jay and Madalynn being together and have a happy ending! (Real original, I know.) But make it more dramatic than that
But that's just me!
I really like the way you began it! It really hooks you! The ending to. You have talent! Really hope you keep going!
Hope I was of some help!
~SB
Thank you!
Hullooo! Guineapiggirl back to give you a review!
I liked this piece. It was really interesting, hearing it from Madalynn's point of view. You did really well with making all the events the same and stuff. Also, I like the fixed paragraphs and apostrophes! Excellent
"I’m ready.
All I have to think about is how hard I worked.
The scolds, the crying, and the pain. I have to think about it all in order to win.
All I have to do is channel in the anger and frustration and sadness and cross the finish line.
Let’s do this."
This is a really nice opening. It builds up suspense and shows us how determined she is. It's an engaging opening that sucks us straight into the story. My only problem with it is the line break after every sentence. I'd have this with much fewer, maybe cut the line break after how hard I worked and the line break after in order to win. It feels a bit broken up, more like a poem than prose.
"I picture my coach’s face. His big eyes; his big horrendous eyes." This seems a little funny to me. I don't quite get it with the eyes being the object of her fear. When you start by saying his big eyes it sounds like she likes him or something. I think you should have some more description of his face and why he frightens her than just this. It feels a little odd.
"It suddenly feels like it’s all happening in slow motion. My legs-which are burning at the moment-feel like they’re moving slower, the cheers coming down to just a blur. And then I finally step over the line, instantly feeling victorious."
Nice description of the winning. It flows really well.
I also like hearing a bit more about what Molly and Cec did. I'm curious as to why they were so angry. Does Molly like him? Is he not good enough for their friend?
If you continue this, I'd like to find out more about that. Another idea would be having Madalynn do more races. She could get through to the County or State finals or something.
I hope I've helped. If you put anything else on here, just ask me for a review!
Thank you so much! I will try to continue on with this story. Also,I'll try and do it in Madalynn's POV. Looking forward to you reviewing again!
~Renee
Also, since I'm such an explorer (not really lol), I found out you could edit your work and I edited mine. I fixed the line break issue and instead of "big eyes" I wrote, "his mouth,which spits out every single insult and scold;"
Just thought I should let you know.
~Renee
Sorry I don't know why that was sent twice /:
I actually enjoyed this short story.. It showed a very good image of what was happening in my head. I think if you were to continue this story.. Maybe have it be a little more interesting..Some of the sentence felt a bit hollow, But other then that its great.
Hope you continue C:
ok thanks!
i really have no ideas to what i should do yet..... so it might take a while....
Oh and if you didn't read Jay's POV yet, i suggest you go and do that because there's some more to the story there.
thanks 
i have to warn you, though, about REALLY bad punctuation and capitalization and paragraph structure. Just read the reviews about it and all your questions and everything will be answered from my reply to them.
I actually enjoyed this short story.. It showed a very good image of what was happening in my head. I think if you were to continue this story.. Maybe have it be a little more interesting..Some of the sentence felt a bit hollow, But other then that its great.
Hope you continue C: