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Memoirs

by EagleFly


by the way this is a song that I made up myself I hope you like it.

My heart can still see all those old times,

With us all to gather.

We youst to have fun,

We went though are troubles to gather,

And giddied one another,

We helped each other with our crying hearts,

When tears were so strong that only you could fix the sole.

I remember when we could just be given a dole,

That youst to fix everything for us both until a time.

I still feel these Memories,

I still see these Memories in me head.

We could have made all of this Memories last longer then it did.

I remember us being really good friends and making each other happier.

I feel like Memories are just flying in and then flying out and being for gotten for ever.

I wish that we could wined back to the time when we still and those Memories a live.

I have not seen you for a long time and I wish that we never left each other.

Memories just diss a pear so fast.

Before we even no it we do not have any of this Memories left.

OOooo

I just don't want to for get those Memories.

Memories


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12 Reviews


Points: 1036
Reviews: 12

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Mon Dec 03, 2018 11:05 pm
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interstella wrote a review...



Hi! This is a good start for a song! I totally get the feeling of not wanting to forget good memories, especially those about a friend. I do have some pointers from a fellow songwriter:

1. Spelling

I hate to be nitpick-y, but I noticed a lot of spelling errors. Spelling is important if you ever want to publish your lyrics or put them out there; if you pay attention to it and the like, people will take you songs more seriously. So here are the errors I found, and their corrections:

to gather- together
youst- used
giddied- not sure what this means or if it's an error, maybe look for a synonyms so audiences will understand it better.
sole- soul
dole- nice rhyme, but I don't know what it means. I suggest clarifying with context or finding a synonym, if you want
me- my
for ever- forever
wined- rewind/ wind (whatever sounds better)
a live- alive
diss a pear- disappear
no- know
for get- forget

2. Phrasing and Stuff

Some of your wording is a little wonky. For example, "memories," is a plural improper noun. This means that you would put "those" instead of "this" before it, which you've done frequently. That also means that you wouldn't capitalize it unless it's at the beginning of the sentence. In other words, treat it like you would treat any other noun.

Also, consider rephrasing "when we still and those memories alive." What are you trying to say? "When we and these memories were still alive,"? However, that phrasing might imply that you are a ghost singing from the grave, so maybe just find another way, like, "when these memories were still alive."

3. Various Tips

Can you think of any other words for "memories?" It gets a little repetitive during the course of the song. Some synonyms I like are "fantasy," "image," "picture," "thought," and "vision."

Consider taking out the "OOooo" if you so desire, or maybe turning it into a more dignified, "ooh."

If sung, this song will be very short. Consider plucking out a part of the song that you really like, that's really catchy, and making it the chorus. That way, your listeners/ readers will have something familiar to come back to. Not all songs have a chorus, but they help to really hammer the point home.

Last thing- maybe add a rhyme scheme or some kind of meter. It's what keeps your audience bopping their heads to your song, and it'll feel less like a free verse poem and more like a song, which it is.

This is a great start! I admire your songwriting ability, it's one thing to write poems and stories, but to wrap them up into lyrics is hard. I've been writing songs since elementary school, and let me tell you- it's difficult, but it's rewarding. A good song will stick with you for life when you write it. So keep it up! Sorry for the really long review. I hope to see more work from you in the future!

Happy writing,

Stella :)




EagleFly says...


Thanks for the review. :D



interstella says...


No problem!



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12 Reviews


Points: 1036
Reviews: 12

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Mon Dec 03, 2018 11:03 pm
interstella says...



whoops, this was an entire review but i accidentally put it as a comment, expect a review soon




EagleFly says...


that's all right. :D



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Sun Dec 02, 2018 5:49 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Ah, a lovely reflective song on memories Eagle! It's clear that there's a lot of emotion behind this one.

I'll start off with the spelling corrections then get to the rest:

Spoiler! :

My heart can still see all those old times,
With us all to gather. ---> "together."
We youst to have fun,----> "used"
We went though are troubles to gather,----> "our" & "together"
And giddied one another,---> not sure what you mean, maybe "got"
We helped each other with our crying hearts,
When tears were so strong that only you could fix the sole.---> "soul"
I remember when we could just be given a dole,---> "dollar?" or "doll?"
That youst to fix everything for us both until a time. ---> used
I still feel these Memories,
I still see these Memories in me head.---> "my"
We could have made all of this Memories last longer then it did. ---> "these"
I remember us being really good friends and making each other happier.
I feel like Memories are just flying in and then flying out and being for gotten for ever. ---"forgotten forever"
I wish that we could wined back to the time when we still and those Memories a live. ---> wound?"
I have not seen you for a long time and I wish that we never left each other.
Memories just diss a pear so fast. --->
"disappear"
Before we even no it we do not have any of this Memories left. ---> [b]"know" & "these"


OOooo

I just don't want to for get those Memories. ---> "forget"

Memories


Interpretation
Now, I interpreted this song to be about a speaker who really misses an old friend. They used to have this friend that they would do a lot of things together with and they were really close, they made a lot of memories together. But then something happened that pulled the two friends apart, and now the speaker feels that all they really have with that friend are the memories because they aren't as close anymore.

It's a very clear poem, and easy to follow. As far as interpretation - you did a great job making sure there was one specific speaker with one easy to follow problem. That is a good way to make sure that your poem is clear for people to understand.

You also were able to use a few metaphors in your poem - like memories disapearing to make your poem shine and be more unique. I would love to see you explore more metaphors and figurative language in the poem, to really stretch your poem and bring it to the next level.

Suggestions
Now, one thing I always like to talk about in reviews is specificity, or put another way "where would the reader like to learn more?" - In this song, I would like to learn more about why the speaker and their friend were so close to begin with? What fun things did they do together? Why were they such great friends? This would help me understand the song better if you added this specific detail in there.

Overall, this is a nice, clear to understand song, that I think a lot of people will be able to relate to. Glad to see you are writing again Eagle! You really do keep getting better, and I enjoy seeing your creativity!

Best of luck!

~alliyah

Team RudolphBlizzardChristmasFlakesPolarExpressExperience




EagleFly says...


Thank you for the review and happy review day to you. :D



alliyah says...


You're welcome! Happy Review Day to you too!



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Sun Dec 02, 2018 4:43 am
RowenaLynn wrote a review...



Heyo! I want to start by saying that this is a really cool piece about memories... I really find that it connects to me and I HATE the feeling of forgetting! Overall it's a great idea.
There are a few spaces where there is spelling that's off... some or them are probably typos, just weird spacing or ones that autocorrect wrong but they appear a few times throughout and that could be fixed. "We youst to have fun"
"just diss a pear" --> just disappear
"we could wined" ---> we could wind
"To for get" ---> to forget
There may be a few more... it's weird scrolling on my phone. But other than those I think that this is a cool piece! Of course I can't tell what you imagined the lyrics to be like rhythmically, but I kind of sang it to myself while my own idea of how it should sound while reading it and it's pretty cool. Again, the fear of forgetting is real. Well... Happy Review Day to you!




EagleFly says...


Thank you for the review and happy review day to you to. :D




Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant