The Letter

running_with_the_devil wrote:Oh, my apologies for having a personality.
I'll watch out for that.

Oh, nice save.

Not.

Hey there Dusty! I'm June, and I'm going to be your critic/instructor for the moment.

I love the way you open your poem.

A simple note;

Dignity, fate, hope.

I feel your love

Written in every quote.

Quick nitpick on your punctuation: Most often poems that have short, four line stanzas are punctuated like this:

---,
---;
---,
---.

I hope I don't confuse you with that! Basically, the first line ends in a comma, the next in a semi colon, the next in a comma, the next in a period, and then the cycle starts all over again!

The short "o" sound that repeats in every line here is definitely giving it a smooth flow; very nice word play.

*clears throat* Anyway, let's get down to business!


Your wording delivers the message clearly. It sounds simple, and sweet, and in a strange way, it sounds solitary. Reading this first stanza, a love letter came to mind, and it seems like the narrator is reading this alone.

Darling, check the mail

Open thy sealing;

What I give won't fail,

It comes with a revealing.

Why the usage of "thy," when everything else seems modern and fresh? I know that the more classic, and aged a love poem/letter is written the more lovely it makes it seem. Ask yourself, is "thy" doing this poem any good? How is it better than using "the"? Is it helping the reader see anything more than what "the" would show?


Also! In your last line, is "a" really necessary? Are you sure it's not causing your line to drag? Could you sustain the same meaning without it?

Ask yourself, how do these lines fit together with the ones that came before and the ones that will come after. Make sure that it makes sense-- and flows-- when read aloud. Reading aloud is the best revision for something that should flow.


Anyway, I really like this part. It like... shows us the anxiety and like... rushed feeling of expecting on both sides of the party. (I hope I'm making sense!) It feels like, the sender of the letter is just as anxious as the recipient to have the letter opened.

The received letter was written

For the one that I've found.

My heart as if bitten,

Their actions are that of a hound.

Ask yourself: Is this stanza fitting? Am I sacrificing quality for rhyme? Does this make sense? What does written have to do with written? What use does a hound have here? Do I really need this stanza? Is there anyway that I can re-word this to make it sound like I am not forcing rhyme?


Personally-- all negativity aside, I am not trying to be rude/mean/harsh-- but I think this stanza is taking away from the poem when it should be adding to it. The above stanzas/lines were sweet and very lovely, but when you come to this part, I felt like, you were trying to be too wordy.

It started with you and I,

Then they came;

Him after her,

It couldn't feel the same.

This is sweet; it's directing us back in the direction that your poem was heading in. Read this aloud, and ask yourself, How is this flowing for me? What would be taken away if I rearranged somethings in here? How can I make this to flow more efficiently? What can I do to have the overall message begin to conclude here?

But as I you have stated

In your poem of 'Two',

There they are but it's me and you,

That fake friendship hasn't faded.

Nitpick: First line -- "... as I you..." is this a slight error? I'm not sure that "I" belongs here.

Also! Pay attention to the type of rhyme scheme you're following here! Above it's 1,2,1,2 but here it's looking more like A,B,B,A.

Here we are, returned to the scene,

Where you hold the letter with the written dream;

For now and always, together at last,

You have forgotten that we are meant to go fast.

This is such a sweet ending. You did a good job concluding and closing here. Sometimes writers not only close the poem but sometimes they tend to unknowingly close the whole scene... like, in reading poetry I sometimes feel like because the poem ended, the narrators love has ended too.


I hope I'm still making sense... if I ever was? XD


On the whole, it was a very, very sweet poem. I really, really liked it.

The only problems I had was with your rhyme; in some places it stumbled, others it twisted, and in others, it seemed a bit forced.

But! It was really, really good! I hope I wasn't too harsh and hope I didn't "pick your poem apart" too much; hope this helps.


Great Job, Dusty.

Welcome to YWS!

June

Hey Dustin! I'll get right down to this. But I notice that you have three poems up and only four reviews. It'd be very much appreciated if you review before posting your work. So, down to the nitty gritty stuff.

A simple note;

Dignity, fate, hope.

I feel your love

Written in every quote.

Let's see here. In this stanza, your rhyme scheme is ABCA. But, in the others, it's ABCB. This really threw me off when I realized it. Moving aside from that, I noticed a little thing with this stanza.

But as I you have stated

In your poem of 'Two',

There they are but it's me and you,

That fake friendship hasn't faded.

Your rhyme scheme has again changed to ABBA. I think this was intentional, but it's kind of distracting. Sorry. And about your word choice. The rhyming here seems a little forced. An example would be this:

Darling, check the mail

Open thy sealing;

What I give won't fail,

It comes with a revealing.

I again apologize, but here, it seems that you were just desperate for a rhyme. There are other parts scattered across the poem, so I won't go into that. It truly is a wonderful poem, but I think it would be best if you could just forgo rhyming altogether. It would still sound amazing.

Again, sorry for being so critical. You can completely ignore this if you wish. This is your art, after all. If anything isn't clear about this, feel free to give me a PM.