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The Boy In The Hat (Short Preview)

by Dustbunny14


"David! Drop the radio!"

"But this is for theme music. Everything is cooler with music."

"How about dying? I bet dying is great, so long as you got your tunes going!"

"Why you gotta be such a spoil sport Maralyn?"

"I think the frost dragon that's currently trying to KILL US is the one ruining the mood! Also, I told you not to call me that!"

ROAR!

"Yeah, I think Robert agrees that you're the one ruining the mood here."

"Did you just name the dragon that's trying to kill us?"

"Well, it's a lot harder to regale people of my adventures if I have to say 'the dragon this, the dragon that' when I could just say 'The dreaded Frost Dragon Robert shot his blast of ice fire...' see what I'm saying?"

"David."

"Yes, Maralyn?"

"You're Insane."

"Thank you." 

A/N Hey guys! That's just an opening preview of my serial short story David Echoe, updated every month. Feel free to review and let me know if that's a good/bad opening scene there. Also, if you want to read the rest as well as see a pretty cool website (reviews wanted for that too) and some pictures to go along with the story check out www.flenever.com thanks!


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7 Reviews


Points: 54
Reviews: 7

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Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:01 pm
Bluegirl135 wrote a review...



Hi,
I really loved this little preview, from what I read you definitely used your imagination. The story line was very interesting, however, it was a little difficult to make out what was going on On the brighter side, it seems like it is a fantastic story. You also need to make it clear who's speaking so they don't have to say each others names all the time.

Anyway, I think you are a great writer with a lot of potential and I will definitely be checking out the rest of this story. :D -Jade xoxo




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Sun Aug 28, 2016 11:33 am
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello! Ripple here on this majestic Review Day.

Overall, I think that, while your dialogue isn't terrible by any means, there needs to be more context for the situation at hand. These characters obviously know each other well, but the reader doesn't yet. Some dialogue tags would be much appreciated as well. Dropping the reader in the middle of banter like this is really confusing, as they don't even know what the characters' names are. You do use names a lot in the dialogue, but it still gets confusing.

"Well, it's a lot harder to regale people of my adventures if I have to say 'the dragon this, the dragon that' when I could just say 'The dreaded Frost Dragon Robert shot his blast of ice fire...' see what I'm saying?"

So, it sounds like David is going to our narrator, according to this nice bit of fourth wall breaking. ;) Why not show off that narration in this preview?

Overall, it has a ways to go, but you have a nice seed here. Keep watering it, and I think it has the potential to grow into an excellent story.




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Fri Aug 26, 2016 10:33 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Dustbunny14. I'm Pan, and I'll be frying up a review for you today!

So, you've got an established cast of characters in this preview. Props to you for starting with dialogue - so many writers tiptoe around interaction because they don't know their characters well enough. It's only a snippet, but it tells me that you already have a good idea of the relationships between your cast, which is great.

Although GrayLynx's comment was needlessly blunt, I do agree that you should disperse your dialogue with some description, especially given the situation your characters are in. A battle with an ice-spitting dragon isn't something you should leave to offhand speech - there is too much potential for epic prose, all of which will make this opening more immersive. So work on that.

I've also got a few tiny nitpicks that I thought I may as well mention:

"Why you gotta be such a spoil sport Maralyn?"


Put a comma after 'sport' and before 'Maralyn'. Names always tend to be separated from a clause by way of a comma.

"I think the frost dragon that's currently trying to KILL US is the one ruining the mood! Also, I told you not to call me that!"


Use italics here rather than capital letters - that's the standard way to convey emphasis.

"You're Insane."


No capital 'I' for insane.

Hope I helped, short as this review was. PM me if you have any questions.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Dustbunny14 says...


Thank you so much! This was really helpful!



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Points: 40
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Fri Aug 26, 2016 1:05 am
GrayLynx says...



It was horrible. Next time add details and description. It's written like a script rather than a short story, which is supposed to have descriptive set up.




Jyva says...


no need to be that rude, but yeah.



Dustbunny14 says...


Hey guys thanks for the feedback, I appreciate the honesty, and if I can't handle that then I shouldn't be writing! I will take what you have said into consideration and work on making my story the best that it can be!




Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter