Prologue
“We have reports of their armies closing in,” Councilman Gordo said twisting two fingers through his long graying beard. “The Bakiri are finally coming back to make a move.”
“Does the Eastern government know?” Asked another councilman. Gordo nodded.
“Yes they've been informed, I can only assume they're preparing for what I believe to be an imminent attack.”
“Why would they listen to us though?” Interrupted Fane, “We are the Council of Adventurers and Explorers. We are responsible for THEM,” He said emphasizing his point, pointing a finger towards the window. “Our job is not to try and keep the world safe.”
“But none of us can argue that the people under our command,” Gordo said, pausing with a sigh “And those who don't exactly follow our command, they are far above and beyond that of the normal person, see, they could make a difference and I think we need to be ready. At least have them ready.”
“Gordo, we only have control of the Explorers, we are responsible for the Adventurers as well, but they run around like crazy people, they don't listen to anyone or anything. What makes you even think that we could get their help?” Gordo flipped open a file filled with pages and reports, on the front page was the picture of a young girl.”
“Well,” Gordo said, “We do have some Explorers that have certain... Relationships with some of the Adventurers. We could get her to do it.” Fane frowned.
“No!” He exclaimed “Now we aren't talking about the Adventurers as a whole, no, we're talking about HIM aren't we?”
“Yes...” Gordo sighed “I am referring to him, none of us can deny his abilities, all we have to do is get his attention.”
Councilman Seral spoke up from his long silence.
“We have a duty as citizens, as a council, to protect the East, and not just the East, but all the four corners of Flenever. If we have information of the Bakiri armies, coming back from the darkness they were banished to then we need to be preparing, and that means we need to get all the help we can get.”
Fane clenched his teeth, he didn't like what they were discussing at all. Yet, he kept silent and nodded his head in agreement, they had to do something.
“So it's settled?” He asked to be sure “We get Rayne to recruit him?”
Gordo nodded “Yes, if she can get him to help then we'll have an upper hand.” all the council members nodded.
“Can't argue with that,” Seral chuckled “The boy's a pain, but, he has skill.” Fane snickered but Gordo nodded with a smile.
“Ah yes, you know it's bad when we have to go get help from David Echoe.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
I noticed you’re a new member, so welcome to YWS!
Like swiftfurthewarrior, I was a little confused as to the exact role of the Council of Adventurers and Explorers. I started reading believing one thing was true and then found an apparently contradictory sentence. You might need to revise that.
Aside from the confusion over the Council, I noticed a couple of minor errors. For example, your use of dialogue and speech tags is incorrect:
The tag “Interrupted Fane” is a continuation of the speech, therefore it should not be capitalised. It’s quite a common mistake to make, but you might want to look at this article which explains it in more detail:
You also need to remember to put a full stop (period if you’re American) after the tags. For example:
There should be a full stop / period after “chuckled” and in all other tags.
Also, I don’t think you really need to write important words, such as the “THEM” in “We are responsible for THEM” in capital letters. Italics like this are more common in published work and in stories generally. The “THEM” has impact but it feels a little unnecessarily noisy, like Fane is shouting at the top of his voice.
Apart from that it was really good and I like what you’ve written so far. This is a really promising start, and I’m looking forward to finding out who this mysterious “David Echoe” (presumably the main character?) is. You’ve got some interesting ideas here – including the Council, the world it’s set in (is this fantasy?) and the Bakiri armies. I’m very intrigued to find out who they are, and what “darkness” they were banished to. Keep up the writing, and feel free to let me know when the first chapter’s up!
Hi Dustbunny.
The only real grammatical error I found in this was a quotation mark in the wrong place, after this sentence-
'Gordo flipped open a file filled with pages and reports, on the front page was the picture of a young girl.”'
It doesn't look like he's saying anything and the quotation mark is closing the sentence(Just me nitpicking).
Other than that, I couldn't really find any other grammatical or spelling errors.
I do very much like this prologue so far, it's very interesting and it seems to set up a story that will be exciting and adventurous.
I found a little bit of a problem with the flow though, certain words and sentence structures don't seem to blend together very well, it sort of makes it choppy.
"He said emphasizing his point, pointing a finger towards the window."
For some reason, to me, that sentence seems a bit choppy. Perhaps you could edit the arrangement and structure and make it blend a little more. Of course, I'm assuming this is a first draft so errors like that are common and easily fixed. And I'm also a weirdo, so if it sounds good to you and good to others and you don't think there is any need to fix it, then don't, just my opinion.
It reminds me a bit of how I used to write, a lot of my writing was influenced by the animes I watched(I don't watch them anymore, though). I don't know if that's what's influenced the way you write, but keep at it, keep working on the story. It's good!
Hey there Dustbunny!
I'd give it an 8/10.
I just wanted to say that this is a really good prologue.
I was a little confused, though.
At the beginning, You said The Council of Adventurers and Explorer's job wasn't to protect the world, but then someone says, "We have a duty as citizens, as a council, to protect the East, and not just the East, but all the four corners of Flenever.". Did you mean the only had to protect their town/city/state and the east? Were the Bakiri simply out of range for now, but closing in on them?
There was nothing else I found. No spelling mistakes, no grammatical errors, no punctuation misplaced. Good job.
Keep writing, because I have a feeling this will attract a lot of attention.
~Swiftfur